Wait for it, wait for it, ah, there it is! It's that voice in my head that says, "Why me?" Of course, no one wants to be sick, but it happens to everyone. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I hope to turn this around into another opportunity to practice.
Whenever life offers us less-than-desirable circumstances, we usually find that the "poor me" button is pushed, over, and over, and over. We are so used to this button being pushed that we don't even realize it's happening. Instead of being aware of what is happening, the whining and complaining becomes an automated response. In this way, we basically try to unload our misery onto those around us, always making every little problem we have everyone else's problem.
So what's the problem with that?
If you have loved ones around, being taken care of can feel pretty good, and in a way, it can strengthen a relationship. But if one isn't careful, it can turn into another way to feel sorry for oneself and attract pity and attention. It sort of feels good to have other people feel sorry for us, we get a little extra love and attention, and it makes it feel special, doesn't it?
But I for one will take a stand and say that I'd rather not have to listen to someone whine and complain all day. When I feel like someone is fishing for something, be it a compliment or sympathy, I don't feel obliged to give it to them, because I don't agree with the way it supports this special-me, or poor-me mentality. When someone is relying on extra attention in order to make themselves feel better, it can be seen as in indication that are neglecting to take the time to bring their own attention, loving-kindness, and compassion within.
Even with this understanding, what is one to do when those around you won't stop fishing? It almost makes you feel bad if you don't give them what they want. One way that I've been exposed to recently is the overwhelming support of my girlfriend, to the point that it sort of makes me laugh and become aware of the internal processes. I'm not asking for it, but I'm getting it anyway. So there you go, we can give each other the compassion and support without be lured in by a plea for pity, and thereby show our love without weakening the individual in need and rendering them helpless.
Real support, real compassion, is not just giving someone a crutch, its teaching them how to walk on their own.
So when we find ourselves on the end that is sick, or does need compassion, what can we do to ensure that we don't fall victim to this victim mentality?
1. Cheer up, try to take your illness light-heartedly.
2. Be clear about how you are feeling, and find non-whiny ways to share it.
3. Give yourself a chance to become intimate with your condition.
When we can develop an intimate relationship with our conditions, in a moment to moment analysis, we might find that what we are experiencing isn't as bad as we had previously imagined. It's the mind that becomes overwhelmed by everything, that becomes stressed out, that makes everything into a big dramatic situation and casts us as the victim.
Okay, okay, so I can see this all happening, but it seems so automatic, how can I stop it?
In insight meditation, when we want to stop something, we don't use force, but understanding. So we simply observe and practice kindness. We know that the process is going on and we are okay with that. Over time, through repeated observation and acceptance, we will notice the process change. It does so on its own, it's a completely natural process. With patience, we can watch the poor-me mentality being replaced with a state of balanced acceptance, called equanimity. Being careful not to push unwanted things away, we can develop the capacity to be at peace with them. It is the peace we seek anyway, and the changing of conditions in our favor is just a bonus.
There's nothing miraculous about this practice, it's simply an understanding of the way the human mind works and it was passed down by the Buddha almost 2,600 years ago. Like a super-dorky scientist of the mind, he was able to see these processes clearly, and offered them up for others to use. He never tried to sell anything, but rather encouraged others to put his teachings to the test in their own lives. As I continue to test his teachings, I develop more and more confidence and trust, or what you might call practical faith. You don't need to believe anything that you can't prove for yourself, through your own experience, so give it a try. What's the worst that could happen?
Whenever life offers us less-than-desirable circumstances, we usually find that the "poor me" button is pushed, over, and over, and over. We are so used to this button being pushed that we don't even realize it's happening. Instead of being aware of what is happening, the whining and complaining becomes an automated response. In this way, we basically try to unload our misery onto those around us, always making every little problem we have everyone else's problem.
So what's the problem with that?
If you have loved ones around, being taken care of can feel pretty good, and in a way, it can strengthen a relationship. But if one isn't careful, it can turn into another way to feel sorry for oneself and attract pity and attention. It sort of feels good to have other people feel sorry for us, we get a little extra love and attention, and it makes it feel special, doesn't it?
But I for one will take a stand and say that I'd rather not have to listen to someone whine and complain all day. When I feel like someone is fishing for something, be it a compliment or sympathy, I don't feel obliged to give it to them, because I don't agree with the way it supports this special-me, or poor-me mentality. When someone is relying on extra attention in order to make themselves feel better, it can be seen as in indication that are neglecting to take the time to bring their own attention, loving-kindness, and compassion within.
Even with this understanding, what is one to do when those around you won't stop fishing? It almost makes you feel bad if you don't give them what they want. One way that I've been exposed to recently is the overwhelming support of my girlfriend, to the point that it sort of makes me laugh and become aware of the internal processes. I'm not asking for it, but I'm getting it anyway. So there you go, we can give each other the compassion and support without be lured in by a plea for pity, and thereby show our love without weakening the individual in need and rendering them helpless.
Real support, real compassion, is not just giving someone a crutch, its teaching them how to walk on their own.
So when we find ourselves on the end that is sick, or does need compassion, what can we do to ensure that we don't fall victim to this victim mentality?
1. Cheer up, try to take your illness light-heartedly.
2. Be clear about how you are feeling, and find non-whiny ways to share it.
3. Give yourself a chance to become intimate with your condition.
When we can develop an intimate relationship with our conditions, in a moment to moment analysis, we might find that what we are experiencing isn't as bad as we had previously imagined. It's the mind that becomes overwhelmed by everything, that becomes stressed out, that makes everything into a big dramatic situation and casts us as the victim.
Okay, okay, so I can see this all happening, but it seems so automatic, how can I stop it?
In insight meditation, when we want to stop something, we don't use force, but understanding. So we simply observe and practice kindness. We know that the process is going on and we are okay with that. Over time, through repeated observation and acceptance, we will notice the process change. It does so on its own, it's a completely natural process. With patience, we can watch the poor-me mentality being replaced with a state of balanced acceptance, called equanimity. Being careful not to push unwanted things away, we can develop the capacity to be at peace with them. It is the peace we seek anyway, and the changing of conditions in our favor is just a bonus.
There's nothing miraculous about this practice, it's simply an understanding of the way the human mind works and it was passed down by the Buddha almost 2,600 years ago. Like a super-dorky scientist of the mind, he was able to see these processes clearly, and offered them up for others to use. He never tried to sell anything, but rather encouraged others to put his teachings to the test in their own lives. As I continue to test his teachings, I develop more and more confidence and trust, or what you might call practical faith. You don't need to believe anything that you can't prove for yourself, through your own experience, so give it a try. What's the worst that could happen?
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