Saturday, August 24, 2013

Mindfulness of Eating Meditation

Somtam at a winery in Burma. 
I remember wanting to write about eating meditation towards the end of last year, but something stopped me. Although I had practiced this meditation many times, mainly while on retreat, I hadn't been practicing in my daily life and therefore didn't feel right about writing it. Lately, I've been doing quite well with this practice, so I feel like the time has come to offer it up for those of you are unfamiliar, or could use a gentle reminder.

Basically, the idea here is that because we do things in an automatic, unconscious manner, we miss out on what we are actually doing, and who doesn't love to eat? I know I do, so it only seems to make sense that I should try to show up for the experience. One thing I've noticed is that when I show up to eat, I'm more likely to be content with less food. This is because I am more aware of the food that I am eating and it also takes me longer to eat, so I have more time to enjoy it. Even though I'm currently experimenting with eating a more bland diet, and refraining from indulging in particular tastes, I still can't say I don't enjoy eating.

Eating is a spiritual experience. Actually, everything is, but there is something extra-special about eating because it literally supports our life here on earth. If we don't eat, we die, and this survival mechanism is so engrained into us that we are never far from thinking about our next meal. The problem is that food consumption on this planet has turned into a really nasty game. We tend to treat our bodies like garbage disposals, eating whatever we like, regardless of what it's actually made of. But rather than getting into a diet-based exploration in this article, I want to focus more on the actual experience of eating.

If you've never practiced eating-meditation before, I'll offer some basic instructions here:

As you sit in front of your meal, take a moment to contemplate what is about to happen. Think about all the different people that were involved in cultivating the fields, planting crops, harvesting, washing, delivering, prepping, cooking, etc. Depending on where you get your food and what you eat, your food may have traveled thousands of miles to end up on your plate. Find a sense of wonder, gratitude, and appreciation for all that was involved for your food to have made it this far.

Now, set the intention to remain present while eating. If you do, even if your mind wanders, you will at least have this intention to fall back on, and you will find that you will spontaneously remember to come back to the bare sensations involved with eating. Also, set the intention to eat for sustenance, not for pleasure. Enjoying food is one thing, but eating food just to enjoy it is another. Remember: the purpose of food is to keep you alive, not to fill some void in your life.

As you begin to eat, move intentionally and slowly. Try to be aware of each and every movement. When you are collecting the food with your spoon or fork (or hands if you are in India), know that you are collecting the food. As you raise the food to your mouth, know that you are raising the food to your mouth. As you open your mouth, know that you are opening your mouth. As you close your mouth, know that you are closing your mouth. Before you start chewing, stay with the process of lowering your hand. Do only one thing at a time. Chew slowly and try to see how many times you can chew one bite. Try counting your chews if that helps you stay connected.

Are you actually paying attention to the food in your mouth or are you just thinking about your next bite?

Often, we go on eating as if we were always one bite ahead of ourselves. This is actually a metaphor for the way we go through most of our lives. The saying, "stop and smell the roses," comes to mind. It is this idea, that if we blaze through life, we will miss it, that we need to also bring to eating. "Slow down or you won't taste anything," is another one that I remember hearing.

But more than just slowing down, more than just wanting to taste our food, can we find an intimate connection with eating that we've never known before?

With every bite, we should know that we are chewing. We can also connect with the ability to recognize and discern different tastes, and this will help us to understand the causal relationship of what we taste to the mental processes that follow. When we come across something that we like, a whole string of internal events take place that lead us to wanting more. If we had an endless supply of that which can bring us pleasure, and we never had to die, it would be one thing, but in reality, continuing to feed the pleasure seeking drive just brings more suffering in the end. This is largely because we are not aware of how this process works.

If we become aware of how pleasure leads to craving, and how craving leads to suffering, we can take steps to free ourselves from this suffering, and food is a great place to start.

Not only that, but there is so much baggage with food for so many people, myself included. In a few recent conversations I've had with young people my age, I've found that my internal struggles with food over the years is not something unique to me. Even though I'm fairly thin at the moment, I feel like there is a raging war on the inside, and I often find myself losing battles. If I can just take it one battle at a time, I won't get too overwhelmed by the war and can try to keep my strength and composure. Eating with mindfulness is the most powerful weapon I have to do just that.

So I sit, alone, cross-legged on the floor, with a bowl of food in front of me, and I take my time to eat. And as I do, I also take the opportunity to contemplate all the baggage that inevitably comes up during meal times. All the desire, all the shame, all the imbalance. I take it all in instead of just throwing it on the back-burner. By endeavoring to face my enemy now, with each meal, with each bite, I know that I'm doing something good for myself and leaving myself with a brighter future as opposed to more accumulated problems. In each moment, there is a choice, as to how much intention there is to be mindful. Yes, I'd rather just go into unconsciousness and sit in front of the TV while eating as I have so many countless times. Yes, I'd rather just stuff my face, always focusing on the next mouthful of delicious goodness, but I don't.

As I notice all these things, I try to remain equanimous. I try not to get wrapped up in judging myself for the ugliness that I see. I try not to let the pleasure of eating cover up anything deeper within me. I try to keep observing, and allowing whatever experience I come across to be. This isn't about doing, it's just about setting the intention and then letting the experience run its course. With this attitude, we can understand that this is just something to experiment with. It doesn't mean we need to eat every meal in this manner, or feel ashamed when we just don't have the time or patience to make it happen. But if we are feeling up for it, it's something worth doing so as to get a glimpse at what's really going on. If nothing else, it's showing up for our lives in real-time, which as it turns out, isn't something we do very often.

When you stand up to face your biggest problems, you are bound to find a deeply humbling experience. My problems are sometimes so deep that I don't even know they are there until I give them ample space in which to arise. You might not be inclined to believe there is that much surrounding your relationship with food, and maybe there isn't, but if you open yourself up to the possibility, you never know what you might find. Even if you find something ugly, you can feel good about being brave enough to be willing to see what's there.


Saturday, August 17, 2013

Don't Believe What You See

Idea Go/freedigitalphotos.net
"Seeing is believing," right? Didn't the Buddha himself urge us not to take his word for anything, but to put his teachings to the test and see for ourselves? Instead of being asked to blindly follow his teachings, we are encouraged to use our own power of observation and discernment, so what is the problem?

The problem is, the world is full of illusions. What you see with your physical eye is not necessarily what the Buddha was referring to when he said to not believe anything we are taught, but rather to observe and come to our own conclusions. What I believe he meant was to observe with the mind, what you might call the mind's eye, or the third-eye. This is our capacity to take a step back from an experience and know it as it really is. It's not allowing ourselves to be entangled by the internal processes that lead to delusion.

Just last week, while staying at the monastery, I had an insight to this truth when a newbie showed up to practice, and was obviously having a hard time. It reminded me of my first meditation retreat, just over 3 years ago, and how difficult it was for me to sit still. My body was stiff and inflexible, and the sheer pain of sitting on the floor for extended periods throughout the day was torture. Now, three years and many hours later, that aspect of the practice is getting much easier.

So as I opened my eyes after sitting for an hour, and got up to do my walking meditation, I saw this young Spanish man, named Daniel, fidgeting about like a fish out of water. In this particular meditation center, at Wat Bhaddanta, you do your walking meditation in the space between your mat and the next one in front of you, which is spaced out about 15-20 feet apart. As he wasn't there when I had sat down an hour earlier, I was surprised to see him when I opened my eyes. I didn't make it a point to watch him, but as I walked back and forth between our two mats, I couldn't help but to notice his inability to sit still. He couldn't go for more than a few seconds before having to move something, his arms, his head, his legs.

When we sit for meditation, especially in the beginning, there is much resistance, and the brain will send lots of signals to the body to make readjustments. Over time, we learn to sit through these impulses to move and we sort of soften ourselves into stillness. Eventually, we become quite comfortable sitting in stillness for extended periods.

Seeing him instantly made me think back to that first retreat I sat and the next thought was remembering what I used to think about the other meditators who were able to sit still all day. "Wow, look at that guy, he must be having the best meditation ever right now! I wonder how close he is to enlightenment." The next thing I realized was that this guy, Daniel, could have very well been thinking the same thing about me, after seeing me sitting there like a stone Buddha statue for so long.

And what followed was the insight that compelled me to write this article: don't believe everything you see. Appearances are just that, they are projections, and the truth lies hidden somewhere behind them. Our inability to see this truth causes us to believe in the appearances, which is the most readily available and tangible thing to process. But the problem is, that appearances are rarely accurate.

master isolated images/freedigitalphotos.net
The truth was, that I was far from having an amazing meditation experience. In fact, I spent most of the 4 days just drifting in neural space, trying to focus, and moving back and forth between consciousness and unconsciousness.

When I have gone to monasteries, meditation centers, or on retreats, I have always found it difficult to be around others who seem to be having such an easy time, especially if I'm not. From what I know based on talking to others and reading about this, it seems to be quite a common experience. But we should remember, take only inspiration from others. You never know what they are experiencing, so why allow yourself to become discouraged by comparing yourself to them?

If we watch this process, of how we interpret our surroundings, much insight is to be gained. How we see the world is largely written off to familiar experience, and we look no further. For example, when we see a tree of a familiar species, we say to ourselves, "Oh, it's just another _______ tree, no big deal, I've seen it a million times." But are any two trees the same? We do the same with people, we stuff people into these little boxes and slap a label on them, so we can feel like we have understood them without having to do any real inquiry. "Oh he is a jock, she is a slut, I've seen it all before, nothing different here."

One of the problems with people is that many also strive to be put into these boxes, and become more like two-dimensional characters than real people, but that is a different story. What we can do is choose not to honor their desire to be deemed as this or that, if that is indeed what they desire, and instead, look to their character, look at them as constantly changing life-streams, and look at them as just doing the best they can with what they have. When we do this, compassion follows.

Instead of seeing something with our eyes and labeling the object as familiar and known, can we focus more on the experience of seeing? Let's bring the experience of our lives back within and stop throwing our attention away on things that don't matter. That doesn't mean that we should just think about ourselves, thinking has nothing to do with it. It's about intention, attention, and love. When we put the world into little boxes and think we understand everything, we are failing to connect with the process of observation within. The observer within doesn't understand everything, nor does it care to, it only observes and recognizes. It recognizes swirling energy as shapes and forms, and it is quite happy to keep it that way. The brain then comes in and reifies everything into concrete, unchanging realities, and delusion follows.

Let's not believe in the lies of our eyes, the deception of illusion, and look no further. Keep looking, keep observing, and keep noticing what's happening within. To do anything else is to allow yourself to be lost in the illusion of the world, drifting around in the mind and it's crazy misconceptions, fears, and desires. Let's keep coming back to the present moment, instead of being lost in judgment and comparisons. Let's see things for what they really are, and not just our loaded interpretations of them. Can we see with our eyes without the mind jumping in to make a statement? Can we perceive without judging?

Just by staying with the bare sensations of our lives, we stay in the present moment and we don't get trapped in the game of identifying with our thoughts. I know it's easier said that done, because I've made a serious effort in the past few years to do this. I can't say that I know what it's like to be free from this identification, but I can say that any progress has been more rewarding and fulfilling than anything else I've experienced in this world. It might seem impossible, or too much work to justify, but what is more important than waking up to your highest potential? How can it not be worth it to want to develop an intimate relationship with your life as it unfolds? For me, the choice is clear. Good luck to those of you who also choose to work towards peace, freedom, love, and wisdom. And if that path isn't for you, well then, there's nothing wrong with that either, and I love you anyway!

Sunday, August 11, 2013

The Truth Won't Set You Free

Freedom to make mistakes. Freedom to believe in freedom. Freedom to pretend you have a choice. Freedom to waste time and money in pursuit of a false sense of happiness. Freedom to feed the greed inside that perpetuates suffering. But not really free.

What is freedom? In the US, we think it's the ability to choose our religion, to voice our opinion, and our right to bear arms. But we have forgotten about the most common oppressor. It's not the government, it's not our society, it's not our enemies, but it's our own minds. We are not free until we can find freedom from our incessant thoughts, compulsions, cravings, and delusions. 

So where do we look?

Exsodus, freedigitalphotos.net
Well, let's start by looking at the source of the problem. If it's the mind that's enslaving us, let's look at the mind itself. When we do, we can begin to see that our impulses to behave largely produce the corresponding behavior. If an incoming stimulus triggers a response of anger, we get angry. If an incoming stimulus triggers a response of pleasure, we feel good and we want more. It's that simple. 

But doesn't this sound a bit too much like a computer? Are computers free? 

On my computer, if I push a button, I can expect that it will produce the desired result. If I want to close  a window, I hit the red X button on the top left hand corner (using a Mac) and it seems to follow that the window will close. So the question becomes, is the incoming stimulus controlling my life in the same way? Am I just automatically responding to my internal and external environment without realizing it?

The answer, unfortunately, is largely a yes. And that is because I am not fully aware of these internal processes and how they relate to what is being experienced. For example, how much is the voice in my head, which is another form of incoming stimuli (an internal form), affecting my actions? How much am I letting this voice control what I think, say, or do? 

When I take the time to look, the first thing I notice is that this process is quite difficult. My attention-span is short and it sort of gets grey pretty quickly. When I am able to sustain my attention into this internal arena, I notice that the types of thoughts running through my head are extremely bogus and mostly random. The scary part is that most of the time I'm not aware of them at all and yet I realize how much they are infiltrating my system. 

To continue watching is to open yourself up to the truth of what games are being played. And we all know the age-old Biblical adage, "the truth will set you free," but I'm here to say that this is quite misleading. The problem is that many of those who have witnessed the truth have been appalled at what they've seen and run back to unconsciousness with their tails between their legs. They don't like what they see, it scares them, and you know what, I can't say that I blame them. 

The truth hurts. It's scary, and it involves having to admit that we aren't nearly as free as we believed ourselves to be. This has nothing to do with any sort of religious belief system of ancient teaching, this is the direct experience of you watching your own mind. To do so is to invite the truth into the little bubble that we call our awareness. This is a step in the right direction, but as we find, seeing the truth doesn't set us free, that is something we must do ourselves. 

So how do we set ourselves free?

We have to find that moment between the impulse to behave, which is a reaction to an incoming stimulus, and the moment when an action is taken. 

An action comes in two kinds: 

1. Reaction. This is the normal type of action. Just like a computer, when a button is pushed, whatever response is hard-wired into the system manifests. Some things make us happy, others make us sad, defensive, hungry, lustful, annoyed, etc. 

2. Response. This is the type of action that is only possible when we become aware of the impulses to behave. We can start to see the impulse arise, and then we are afforded the opportunity to follow the impulse or to choose otherwise. This is when freedom becomes possible. 

Basically, we all have buttons, and the habituated way in which they are pushed and reacted to reinforces the predictability that the corresponding action will take place. If we stop reacting to the impulses, than we can become like a computer that has "a mind of its own" and we can override the stimuli. 

The only way to stop this is to develop a kind curiosity towards these internal processes in order to step in and intervene on the automated reactions. 

Otherwise, we will continue to live in auto-pilot, and believe that the voice in our heads is really us and that we are running the show, which is the biggest lie the world has ever known. It doesn't really matter what else we believe. If we think that something outside of ourselves is going to be responsible for our own freedom, happiness, or salvation, we are failing to recognize the habitual tendencies of our own minds. Without inviting this truth into our lives, we will never have a chance to be free. 

Okay, okay, I know, maybe you are telling me that you don't care about freedom. What you want is more like love, happiness, comfort, security, and a sense of well-being. And what's wrong with that?

Nothing is wrong with that, this is all up to you. There is nothing particularly right about endeavoring to understanding your own mind in order to find freedom, either. It's just something to do. There is nothing we have to do while we are living out these short lives here on earth. The way we spend our time is up to us, or at least to this collection of inner workings and hard-wired neural pathways being governed by a mostly random and compulsive voice in our heads that we call "us." So carry on, if you will, or stand up for your right to act from a deeper place of wisdom and understanding. The choice is yours. Or is it?

Rejnith Krishnan, freedigitalphotos.net
Questions to ask yourself:

What's guiding your actions?

Are you really in control of what you think, say, and do?

In what ways are you hard-wired to react to incoming stimuli? 

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Finding a Spiritual Mentor at Wat Bhaddanta

A few months ago, shortly after returning from India, I stumbled across a Dhamma book at my yoga studio in Bangkok. The book was thin and had a nice cartoon image of a boy doing walking meditation on the front, and so I was immediately drawn to it. I picked it up, and saw that it was written by a monk at Wat Bhaddanta, in a province not far from Bangkok, and so I took out a piece of paper to jot down the website and contact email.


As I was doing so, the lady behind the counter told me to keep the book, that someone had left it there and it was up-for-grabs. It's not everyday that you stumble across Dhamma books when you are out-and-about on the town, so I gratefully accepted. When I got home, I checked out the website and was immediately impressed by the English version and all the information available. There were many pictures, and I also noticed that the facilities were fairly new and looked clean.

Going on Pindabat with the
monks at sunrise. 
When I decided to visit the monastery instead of going to the beach, I started to look into places to go. With there being so many options close to Bangkok, it was a difficult decision to make. I guess I had to narrow it down. What was I looking for? Did I want to go hang out with monks or did I want to follow a strict schedule of meditation? Did I want a place that had daily chanting, or interviews with an English speaking teacher? These are all important questions to ask when looking for a place to practice in Thailand, as the answers to these questions will direct you to different places. Not only that, but there are also a few main techniques that are practiced, so you can also decide what lineage or style you'd like to practice.

I've come across a few really good teachers while practicing in Asia, but I was particularly impressed by Ajahn Somsak Sorado. Right away, I knew he was someone important for my practice and for my life.

So what makes a good spiritual mentor? 

Theres probably no fair way to answer that, I guess it depends on the person. People with different temperaments need different types of teachers. For example, one lacking discipline and the ability to be self-critical might need a strict and direct teacher, someone to push them and also keep them in line. Another person, who is disciplined and overly self-critical, which is probably what I am, might need a softer teacher, one who is more compassionate and understanding.

Spiritual teachers aren't one size fits all. 

Being a Buddhist, I don't really believe in the whole guru-disciple model, so I don't have this romantic impression that I've found "the one" or anything, although when I first saw him, I guess I did sort of have that feeling. What I look for in a teacher in someone who I want to be like. Not only that, but someone who I believe I can be like, if I keep practicing. He or she has to be sort of accessible in that way, not some mystical man from the mountains who is going to change my life.

While I was chanting with about 20 monks, 15 nuns, and 60 lay practitioners dressed in white on Tuesday, Phra Somsak came in to the Dhamma hall and bowed three times before joining us. As he is the Abbott of Wat Bhaddanta, he has a special place in each evening's service and a special place to sit up in the front. As soon as I saw him walk up out of the corner of my eye, I knew there was something about him. I could tell by his presence, by the way that he moved, even within the first few seconds of seeing him.

He's not a very big guy, but his presence was enormous. Not in a egotistical way, of expressing his own importance, but in a humble and dignified way. His movements were ever so slow and graceful, and watching him bow three times to the Buddha statue was truly inspiring. I knew he was the real deal. No, I don't know if he's fully enlightened, how could I? But I can tell that he is one thing, and that is very mindful. You can tell if someone is mindful when they are doing even the most mundane activities. Actually, that is an especially good time to watch them. As this practice that he teaches, known as the Mahasi Method, stresses the role of mindfulness in spiritual awakening, it is the first thing I look at when I meet a meditation teacher from this lineage. Maybe it's fault-finding, but to me, if the teacher looks like he or she is haphazardly doing something, I can't accept them as being someone who has realized what they are teaching.
Inside the Dhamma hall. 

While watching the Abbott, I was blown away by how precise and smooth each and every motion was. There was no erroneous movements, not with the hand or the eye. He was 100% focused on everything he was doing. We all know what this is like because we've all been there. Maybe it has been while playing music, sports, or in a near-car accident, but we've all had those experiences that our attention was completely fixed in the present moment. We can call it being in the "zone."

Street signs at a monastery!
A local woman offers rice to the monks. 











While giving his Dhamma talks, Phra Ajahn (the title of "Teacher Monk") would stop now and then to have a drink of his tea. The cup of tea had a lid on it, probably to keep it hot, and so this activity would include removing the lid, picking up the tea, bringing it to his mouth to drink it, and then putting the cup back down before replacing the lid. A simple, everyday activity. Nothing special about it. But when you have 100 pairs of eyes on you, it could be a bit of an awkward moment, and I've definitely seen meditation teachers handle those moments less-gracefully. What amazed me was how collected he was. He didn't move extremely slowly, but with such precision that even while replacing the lid, I never once heard even the slightest clinking sound in the 4 days I was there. Every time, his movements were perfect.

Never underestimate the power of a peaceful community.
Having spent a few years in the US, he could also speak English pretty well which is not really common for monks in Thailand. When I had my daily interviews with him, he spoke softly and gave me gentle encouragement. He always smiled when I told him about my practice, not in a judgmental way, but in a fatherly kind of way, so as to tell me that I should keep going. "Just observe, it's not serious," he assured me. It's not serious? Woah, that's news to me. Has he never been to most of the monasteries that teach the Mahasi Method before? Of course he has, but he was playing to my temperament, I reminded myself. He knew what kind of assistance I need, and his advice couldn't have been any better.
Happy to practice together!

I suppose it's quite difficult to explain exactly what I liked about Ajahn Somsak. I just had a feeling about him that he was a very pure and honorable man who had sincerely devoted his life to the Buddha's teachings. To meet such a man was truly and honor, and I look forward to continuing my practice under his guidance in the future.

To learn more about Wat Bhaddanta and Phra Somsak Sorado,
visit: http://bhaddanta-eng-version.blogspot.com/

You can also download a  free copy of his E-Book here:
Vipassana Meditation Handbook for Beginners

A very clean dining hall. 

An outdoor Dhamma hall.




Barefoot on Pindabat (alms-gathering round). 







A monk on Tudong, which means to
wander through the forests with nothing
but what you see being held here...

Monday, August 5, 2013

Beach vs. Monastery?

Okay, so I rearranged some things with my co-worker which enabled me to get four consecutive days off of work, my first of such break since I started this job almost 3 months ago. I'm not going to lie, it's a little tough to see that all my friends back home are blasting through the country in summer-mode and having the times of their lives while I'm locked down with a tight work-schedule. When I originally planned for this four-day break, I had my sights set on Koh Chang, a nice island on the eastern edge of Thailand near Cambodia, and a popular destination for travelers and Thais alike. But sometime, about 2 weeks ago, I realized that there might be a better way to spend my time, in the monastery.

One of the best reasons to live in Bangkok (there are many) is the close proximity and easy access to some really wonderful beaches and islands. If you have a long-weekend, there are many places you can get to, for pretty cheap, and find yourself posted up beachside within a couple hours of walking out of your door. This seems to be the obvious holiday of choice for most people living in the city.

But as I connect with my purpose here on this earth, I know that there is something else I'd rather be doing, and that is exploring this life through my own consciousness in hopes of finding truth, understanding, peace, and freedom.

Let's look at it from a practical level: 

If you go to the beach, you will enjoy for a few days, and then on the last day you will be sad to leave. You will think about how you have to go back to your apartment and your job and you will be miserable, comparing the beautiful beach to your miserable life back home.

If you go to the monastery, you will suffer for a few days, and then on the last day you will be so happy, like you are getting out of jail! I will be expected to wake up at 3:30 each day and practice sitting and walking meditation all day until 10pm, with just a couple breaks for breakfast, lunch, and tea. I already know, it's going to suck, so why do it?

Yes, there will be moments of peace, of clarity, insights will most likely come, but much of the day will be spent trapped in the circus of my mind, and I'll be kicking myself for not choosing to relax on the beach instead. Some of the happiest days of my life as I can recall have been the days on which I am released from the monastery and back into the world, full of life, fresh with ideas and inspiration, and insights to guide my next move. I've never been to jail, but I imagine this feels even better because you get to reap all the benefits of the hard work you have labored over while practicing intensively.

Practicing mindfulness is a lot like exercising a muscle. If you want to be strong, you need to work out. Working out sucks, for those of you who don't know. To me, it's not a fun process, really, but after repeated exercise, you are then stronger. Then when you need to put your strength to use, while at work or moving boxes to a new house, you are glad you put in the hours in the gym. It's the same way with meditation and mindfulness practices. I know I have to put in the time to train my mind to incline toward the good and avoid the bad, to keep a gentle curiosity about the present moment, and to turn it back on itself in order to become aware of what kind of insane thoughts its brewing up.

Sometimes, I enjoy it, and other times, it's like living in hell. I just want to wake up and magically have the strongest mindfulness possible, just like a body-builder looks in the mirror and envisions himself or herself with the perfect physique. But the fact of the matter is that we must work for that which we want to cultivate with this body and mind, nothing is offered without a hard days work.

Okay, I'm out the door. I guess I'll let you know if I live to regret my decision of spending my holiday at the monastery instead of the beach...


Sunday, August 4, 2013

Craving: Pleasure's Evil Twin

Since I hope to achieve some level of transparency and honesty with this blog, I feel compelled to keep you updated on my progress, or lack thereof, with my 90-day meditation challenge. Not that I think anyone really cares, nor that anyone actually reads this stuff (very few people do), but just that it's a way of being honest with myself, and keeping myself in check. Usually, people live within communities and have circles of support around them to do this, but as I find myself virtually alone in the world, far from the circles of my friends, I am resorting to the next best thing, virtual support.

I'm nearly two weeks into the 3-month challenge and am falling apart. I've already lost my battle with the attempt to eat a strictly vegan diet, albeit only once to a pint of ice-cream, and my evening chanting has been hit or miss. I haven't been writing much (if you haven't noticed, but why would you), and I've found myself over-eating in the evenings, despite quite a few days of keeping it down to 2 small meals. I have kept up the 90 minutes of meditation a day, which is/was the main goal, and have done at least 12 sun-salutations worth of yoga each day, but it's what's happening on the inside that is making me feel so weak.

So what is it?

The first week, I was doing great. I was waking up early, practicing a lot, and eating only a little, exactly the kind of life I have envisioned for myself. But I failed to keep it going. Slowly, but surely, cravings started to creep in and I found myself wanting more. I wanted more of that temporary surface-level satisfaction that I am conditioned to chase after at all costs, even though I was tapping into something so much greater and more fulfilling.

It seems like we think of how terrible it would be to not have what we wanted, especially basic things like tasty food and some form of entertainment to keep us preoccupied and offer an escape from the daily grind. But what I've found is that what's much more terrible is to want these things in the first place. When the choice is ours, when we have the means to get what we want, but we don't allow ourselves to have it, we can see the reality of how much suffering craving brings into our lives. We are just so used to feeding it that we don't notice how miserable it is.

Not having the means to feed it is one thing, then I could dismiss it as not being a viable option and at least have a little bit of peace from it. But to know that what I desire is so close, and so accessible, is enough to make me go crazy.

So why not just give in?

Well, I guess I have been, to an extent, and I wouldn't be surprised if I continue to, because it's really not easy to hold-out from things we are used to relying on to make us feel happy and comfortable. Cravings are like a sickness, like a disease, and when we have a disease, we should look for the cure. We are conditioned by mass-media and by society to believe that the cure for this disease is more more more, but this is actually just reinforcing our problems and turning us into habituated self-serving morons.

The truth is, we don't think for ourselves, our cravings think for us. We are being blindly led along by that which we desire, and to fail to recognize this is to remain in the dark. Until we accept this, we will always be perpetually chasing after sense pleasures and prisoner to all the tricks the mind employs to fulfill what it wants. To turn the light on is to take a stand for our own personal freedom and right to choose. It's not an easy task, and some would say it's not worth the effort and end up reverting back to unconsciousness. But I accept the challenge, and am confident that every ounce of energy I put into this will be rewarded.

The more we feed our desires, the more we neglect the deeper yearning to be free from them, and the weaker we become. The important thing I need to remind myself is that it's all really okay. There is nothing that is supposed to be happening. I'm not supposed to be stronger than my desires, there is no objectivity here. If I can keep a playful attitude about it all, and just keep doing my best, I can slowly chip away from this self-serving perspective that keeps me separated from the rest of creation and keeps me constantly chasing the dragon to get another temporary fix. If it's not one thing, it's another, and there is no end in sight. The only hope is to purify the mind from these defilements of greed and delusion that serve to solidify this view of self that needs to be satisfied.

One main problem is that we are led to believe that "whatever makes you happy" is what's best. If we could really distinguish the difference between true happiness and conventional happiness, that would be one thing, but for the most part, we can't. We think that happiness is feeling good. And what makes us feel good? You guessed it, it's getting what we want! It works out quite well for those looking to sell us things, a product, an experience, an identity, but it leaves us wondering how to fill the void in our lives. We yearn for something deeper, something that lasts, but we don't know where to look, so we cover it up by always getting more.

But it isn't getting anything that will make us truly happy, it is more like losing something. So as I sit here, feeling like I am losing, I know there is still hope. What I haven't lost is the faith that what I'm doing isn't for nothing. Yes, I am sitting here, suffering, but so are we all, I'm just finally facing it head-on. What we really want, what we really yearn for, is truth, not happiness. We want truth, we want freedom, and we want peace. That is true happiness. I haven't lost my cravings, nor my delusions, nor my greed, and even though I've been knocked down, I feel like I am slowly crawling towards the strength that will eventually allow me to be victorious. The battle continues!