Since I hope to achieve some level of transparency and honesty with this blog, I feel compelled to keep you updated on my progress, or lack thereof, with my 90-day meditation challenge. Not that I think anyone really cares, nor that anyone actually reads this stuff (very few people do), but just that it's a way of being honest with myself, and keeping myself in check. Usually, people live within communities and have circles of support around them to do this, but as I find myself virtually alone in the world, far from the circles of my friends, I am resorting to the next best thing, virtual support.
I'm nearly two weeks into the 3-month challenge and am falling apart. I've already lost my battle with the attempt to eat a strictly vegan diet, albeit only once to a pint of ice-cream, and my evening chanting has been hit or miss. I haven't been writing much (if you haven't noticed, but why would you), and I've found myself over-eating in the evenings, despite quite a few days of keeping it down to 2 small meals. I have kept up the 90 minutes of meditation a day, which is/was the main goal, and have done at least 12 sun-salutations worth of yoga each day, but it's what's happening on the inside that is making me feel so weak.
So what is it?
The first week, I was doing great. I was waking up early, practicing a lot, and eating only a little, exactly the kind of life I have envisioned for myself. But I failed to keep it going. Slowly, but surely, cravings started to creep in and I found myself wanting more. I wanted more of that temporary surface-level satisfaction that I am conditioned to chase after at all costs, even though I was tapping into something so much greater and more fulfilling.
It seems like we think of how terrible it would be to not have what we wanted, especially basic things like tasty food and some form of entertainment to keep us preoccupied and offer an escape from the daily grind. But what I've found is that what's much more terrible is to want these things in the first place. When the choice is ours, when we have the means to get what we want, but we don't allow ourselves to have it, we can see the reality of how much suffering craving brings into our lives. We are just so used to feeding it that we don't notice how miserable it is.
Not having the means to feed it is one thing, then I could dismiss it as not being a viable option and at least have a little bit of peace from it. But to know that what I desire is so close, and so accessible, is enough to make me go crazy.
So why not just give in?
Well, I guess I have been, to an extent, and I wouldn't be surprised if I continue to, because it's really not easy to hold-out from things we are used to relying on to make us feel happy and comfortable. Cravings are like a sickness, like a disease, and when we have a disease, we should look for the cure. We are conditioned by mass-media and by society to believe that the cure for this disease is more more more, but this is actually just reinforcing our problems and turning us into habituated self-serving morons.
The truth is, we don't think for ourselves, our cravings think for us. We are being blindly led along by that which we desire, and to fail to recognize this is to remain in the dark. Until we accept this, we will always be perpetually chasing after sense pleasures and prisoner to all the tricks the mind employs to fulfill what it wants. To turn the light on is to take a stand for our own personal freedom and right to choose. It's not an easy task, and some would say it's not worth the effort and end up reverting back to unconsciousness. But I accept the challenge, and am confident that every ounce of energy I put into this will be rewarded.
The more we feed our desires, the more we neglect the deeper yearning to be free from them, and the weaker we become. The important thing I need to remind myself is that it's all really okay. There is nothing that is supposed to be happening. I'm not supposed to be stronger than my desires, there is no objectivity here. If I can keep a playful attitude about it all, and just keep doing my best, I can slowly chip away from this self-serving perspective that keeps me separated from the rest of creation and keeps me constantly chasing the dragon to get another temporary fix. If it's not one thing, it's another, and there is no end in sight. The only hope is to purify the mind from these defilements of greed and delusion that serve to solidify this view of self that needs to be satisfied.
One main problem is that we are led to believe that "whatever makes you happy" is what's best. If we could really distinguish the difference between true happiness and conventional happiness, that would be one thing, but for the most part, we can't. We think that happiness is feeling good. And what makes us feel good? You guessed it, it's getting what we want! It works out quite well for those looking to sell us things, a product, an experience, an identity, but it leaves us wondering how to fill the void in our lives. We yearn for something deeper, something that lasts, but we don't know where to look, so we cover it up by always getting more.
But it isn't getting anything that will make us truly happy, it is more like losing something. So as I sit here, feeling like I am losing, I know there is still hope. What I haven't lost is the faith that what I'm doing isn't for nothing. Yes, I am sitting here, suffering, but so are we all, I'm just finally facing it head-on. What we really want, what we really yearn for, is truth, not happiness. We want truth, we want freedom, and we want peace. That is true happiness. I haven't lost my cravings, nor my delusions, nor my greed, and even though I've been knocked down, I feel like I am slowly crawling towards the strength that will eventually allow me to be victorious. The battle continues!
I'm nearly two weeks into the 3-month challenge and am falling apart. I've already lost my battle with the attempt to eat a strictly vegan diet, albeit only once to a pint of ice-cream, and my evening chanting has been hit or miss. I haven't been writing much (if you haven't noticed, but why would you), and I've found myself over-eating in the evenings, despite quite a few days of keeping it down to 2 small meals. I have kept up the 90 minutes of meditation a day, which is/was the main goal, and have done at least 12 sun-salutations worth of yoga each day, but it's what's happening on the inside that is making me feel so weak.
So what is it?
The first week, I was doing great. I was waking up early, practicing a lot, and eating only a little, exactly the kind of life I have envisioned for myself. But I failed to keep it going. Slowly, but surely, cravings started to creep in and I found myself wanting more. I wanted more of that temporary surface-level satisfaction that I am conditioned to chase after at all costs, even though I was tapping into something so much greater and more fulfilling.
It seems like we think of how terrible it would be to not have what we wanted, especially basic things like tasty food and some form of entertainment to keep us preoccupied and offer an escape from the daily grind. But what I've found is that what's much more terrible is to want these things in the first place. When the choice is ours, when we have the means to get what we want, but we don't allow ourselves to have it, we can see the reality of how much suffering craving brings into our lives. We are just so used to feeding it that we don't notice how miserable it is.
Not having the means to feed it is one thing, then I could dismiss it as not being a viable option and at least have a little bit of peace from it. But to know that what I desire is so close, and so accessible, is enough to make me go crazy.
So why not just give in?
Well, I guess I have been, to an extent, and I wouldn't be surprised if I continue to, because it's really not easy to hold-out from things we are used to relying on to make us feel happy and comfortable. Cravings are like a sickness, like a disease, and when we have a disease, we should look for the cure. We are conditioned by mass-media and by society to believe that the cure for this disease is more more more, but this is actually just reinforcing our problems and turning us into habituated self-serving morons.
The truth is, we don't think for ourselves, our cravings think for us. We are being blindly led along by that which we desire, and to fail to recognize this is to remain in the dark. Until we accept this, we will always be perpetually chasing after sense pleasures and prisoner to all the tricks the mind employs to fulfill what it wants. To turn the light on is to take a stand for our own personal freedom and right to choose. It's not an easy task, and some would say it's not worth the effort and end up reverting back to unconsciousness. But I accept the challenge, and am confident that every ounce of energy I put into this will be rewarded.
The more we feed our desires, the more we neglect the deeper yearning to be free from them, and the weaker we become. The important thing I need to remind myself is that it's all really okay. There is nothing that is supposed to be happening. I'm not supposed to be stronger than my desires, there is no objectivity here. If I can keep a playful attitude about it all, and just keep doing my best, I can slowly chip away from this self-serving perspective that keeps me separated from the rest of creation and keeps me constantly chasing the dragon to get another temporary fix. If it's not one thing, it's another, and there is no end in sight. The only hope is to purify the mind from these defilements of greed and delusion that serve to solidify this view of self that needs to be satisfied.
One main problem is that we are led to believe that "whatever makes you happy" is what's best. If we could really distinguish the difference between true happiness and conventional happiness, that would be one thing, but for the most part, we can't. We think that happiness is feeling good. And what makes us feel good? You guessed it, it's getting what we want! It works out quite well for those looking to sell us things, a product, an experience, an identity, but it leaves us wondering how to fill the void in our lives. We yearn for something deeper, something that lasts, but we don't know where to look, so we cover it up by always getting more.
But it isn't getting anything that will make us truly happy, it is more like losing something. So as I sit here, feeling like I am losing, I know there is still hope. What I haven't lost is the faith that what I'm doing isn't for nothing. Yes, I am sitting here, suffering, but so are we all, I'm just finally facing it head-on. What we really want, what we really yearn for, is truth, not happiness. We want truth, we want freedom, and we want peace. That is true happiness. I haven't lost my cravings, nor my delusions, nor my greed, and even though I've been knocked down, I feel like I am slowly crawling towards the strength that will eventually allow me to be victorious. The battle continues!
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