Envisioning the "Future Me"

It's helpful to be able to identify our personal shortcomings and have a vision about where we see ourselves headed. By having clear intentions, we can do our best to co-create with the Universe and manifest the future. Whenever you discover something about yourself that you don't like, you can add it to your list. 

Here is my vision for my future:

1. To be so grateful for life that I enjoy even the times when I'm miserable and suffering.

2. To not look to blame someone or something every time something goes wrong.

3. To be fascinated by the simplest things.

4. To be the strongest when I feel the weakest.

5. To see people only in their highest light, their true nature.

6. To not look for comfort in things like food, entertainment, or intoxicants.

7. To laugh and play like a kid again.

8. To put others first.

9. To take advantage of every opportunity.

10. To surrender to something higher than me. 

Basically, as Ghandi put it, I want to be the change I wish to see in the world. I know that in order to be the change, I must first see the change. I want to practice what I preach, but I need help. I hope that by setting these intentions, I can make it more clear to myself about where I want to go in life, and thereby get a better idea of how I can get there. Knowing that now is all I'll ever have, I better get to work!

What do you envision for your future?

Wishing you all the best in your travels through life.

I might not live another day, but if I do, I intend to be a better person than I have been today. 

Dhamma in the City: The Practice Never Stops

Now that I’m back in Thailand and settled into a new job and a new apartment, I often find myself wondering if I’ve strayed from the path towards freedom. Making money and having worldly responsibilities, at first glance, seems counter-productive to what I’m trying to do here. When I was leaving the last meditation retreat I sat, which was in Nepal, I had a strong vision about my aspirations for the the next year or so, and to say the least, it didn’t involve signing a 1-year contract to teach English full-time in Bangkok. Nevertheless, I find myself in precisely such a situation, and needing to make sense of it all.

What is happening, from as best as I can tell, is that fear is starting to arise. This fear is worried about getting wrapped up in making money and having things. But is this rational? Sure, it can be a slippery slope, but since when are you not allowed to make money and have a spiritual life? The problem isn’t in the money, but in the fear itself. The fact that I’m worried is actually a good thing, it means that my aspirations to stay on the path are deeply rooted, and that even shifting conditions won’t make me forget what I really want. But acting out of fear is never a good idea. So I see that fear is arising, and I can just practice observing it, knowing it not to be who or what I really am. In this way, I can keep moving forward in a positive manner, and not let the worries and doubts create turmoil in my mind.

But that’s not the end of the story. What is happening in the here and now is much more important than speculative projections about where I’m going to be a year from now when my contract runs out and whether I’ll be more likely to visit the beach than the monastery. Yes, I know that to live a life in the Dhamma, one must make arrangements, one must sacrifice and plan to spend time practicing. Otherwise, one drifts aimlessly and remains hopelessly lost in the world of swirling mental formations, not knowing what is what and always chasing the next form of pleasant experience. But if I go on thinking that spending time in meditation retreats is the extent of my spiritual life, I’m missing the point.

And that’s what my insight has been the last few days. I don’t need to wait for another retreat to practice; I can practice in each and every waking moment. Although that’s easier said than done, the opportunity is there, and if I’m not taking advantage of it, by at least setting an intention to be mindful, I’m most-likely missing out on the beauty of the ever-present moment.

Okay, there’s a lot here already, so I’ll try to be more specific. Although traffic jams and pounding pavement in a big city of 9 million people seems far from the peace and serenity of a monastery in the forest or mountains somewhere, the practice remains the same.

What is it like to be alive in this moment?

Why do I need to be sitting cross-legged with my eyes closed to ask this question? Yes, it’s probably a good idea to do meditation retreats, as they really offer an opportunity to develop concentration that can later be used. They also work on the level of problem solving. Since so many deep-rooted problems arise during intensive practice, we learn how to deal with all sorts of internal obstacles.

In the “real world,” all the problems seem to be external, but I when I can remember, I know better. All the frustration I’m feeling living in the city, the slow moving pedestrians that criss-cross down the sidewalk without looking, the lanes of traffic that are frozen for minutes at a time, the endless heat, seems to be because of external obstacles. But then I look over, and I see the person next to me, facing the same external situation, seemingly unaffected. The difference must lie in the way this external phenomena is being processed and translated.

It is only because of my resistance that I am suffering.

If I am present enough to notice my resistance, it weakens. Sometimes, it even goes away altogether. In those moments, a gentle smile appears on my face and I am reminded that everything is okay. If I’m late to yoga, if I don’t make it to work at all, if I’m constantly bordering on becoming a human waterfall of sweat, who cares? The truth is, it’s only my mind that cares, but in reality, it doesn’t really matter. If I miss yoga, if I miss work, even if I get fired, so what? Is there not another job waiting for me? Is there not another class tomorrow? If I remain positive, knowing that I am not in control, I can rest assured that whatever life has in store for me is going to be what I need when I need it. It might not come packaged the way I want it to, or the way I have envisioned, but that’s okay.

Honestly, I feel like my life right now is the end of a movie. It’s like everything has worked out for me over the past year or so, over the course of some major changes, and now that everything has fallen into place, it’s time to move forward with optimism and hope, with a sense of belonging and direction, and most importantly, with an opportunity to implement all the things that I’ve learned. When one story ends, a new one begins, and the next chapter of my life remains to be seen. Can I surrender to life and let whatever comes come? Can I have a respectable job and wear nice shirts and ties without losing my purpose? Can I find ways to practice what the Buddha taught, about being mindful for each step as I walk through the city, staying with my breath as I ride the bus, and responding with compassion to those around me?

Who knows what will happen! If I knew, life would be boring. If I was in complete control, there wouldn’t be any surprises. Besides, I would have never made it here if I could have sculpted my life from the beginning. I’d probably have my head up my ass in the US with some fancy career or something by now. So I guess I feel good about where I am, and am grateful to have had the opportunities that have come my way. I’m locked in to a full time job, but I doubt I’ll forget what is important to me. If I can remember to ask myself what life is like for me, right now, and keep asking myself as many times as possible, I will find freedom from my fears, I will find truth, and who knows, maybe even a bit of happiness. 

So as I walked through the blazing heat of the city today, I felt for the first time since I've been back that I'm right on track, even if doesn't seem that way at first glance. I have plenty of opportunities to practice the Dhamma, to practice implementing the skills that I've worked so hard to develop. Patience, flexibility, tolerance. If I can't put them into use now, when I need them most, what good have my efforts been? I refuse to believe that my efforts have been in vain, and I take this opportunity to set the intention to stay connected with the direct experience of my life as it unfolds, from moment to moment, from breath to breath, from step to step. 

I walk into the future, but without leaving the now. 

I wish all of you the best of luck on your journey, may you walk with peace, love, and direction. 

Teaching Yoga in India, a dream come true!

Having just finished teaching an official yoga class for the first time, and preparing to leave the town of Bhagsu, a place I've called home for nearly 6 weeks now, I feel compelled to write something. Teaching this morning made my whole trip through India come full circle. I remember just over a year ago, when I sitting in my room in southern Colorado, and wondering what life was going to bring me next. My job at Fort Lewis College was coming to an end and I needed to make a decision about what to do next. For possibly the first time in my life, I felt like I actually had options. I went from having what seemed like no options to having too many in just a matter of a few days. Basically, it was when I stopped believing the lies that my mind was telling me, about how I am a victim and have limited opportunities in life. When I believed this, I was powerless. When I stopped believing, when I pulled my head out of my ass, a whole world of opportunities opened up for me.

It was like a hobo had run up to my dirty car windshield at a traffic light and suddenly cleaned it without me knowing what happened. All of a sudden, I could see! But since there was no need for a hobo, I didn't have to pay anything, it was free! At that moment, or in the course of those few days, I made a decision that would undoubtedly shape the course of the rest of my life. It was the decision to return to Thailand that did it for me. It was a difficult decision to make, and came up as if from nowhere. I realized that I just needed to use a credit card to buy my ticket and count on my last couple paychecks with the school to keep me going until paychecks from teaching English rolled in.

English nor money was pulling me back to Asia, but rather, it was what's called Samvega in the Pali language, which means something like spiritual urgency. I knew that the East is a good place for a young seeker to be, with many opportunities to explore Buddhism, yoga, and meditation. Since these three things have become my passions in the last few years, I had to trust my intuition that was pulling me back. Not long after that I bought my ticket and my time in Colorado was yet again coming to an end, as it had the first time I left it for Thailand 3 years ago. Since I was connected with a strong community of yoga and meditation practitioners in Colorado, I had a few weeks to ask around, getting ideas for places to meditate and countries to visit. At the top of my list was Burma, which is known for having some of the most intense meditation practices in the world. Of course, in my mind, I had everything planned out, but as I am once again reminded, I'm not in control here.

So I was going to get a meditation VISA for Burma and try to spend a few months at one of the monasteries that I had my eye on. But then another idea came up, maybe I should go to India first, do a yoga teacher training course and prepare my body for sitting in meditation long of the day. Either way, I would return to Colorado after a year and settle down in Durango. Both seemed like good ideas, and although the big decision to make about whether or not to go back to Thailand had been made, a series of equally difficult decisions had yet to be made, and again, those decisions have been shaping my life ever since then.

After teaching English for about 5 months, I moved out of my bungalow in Sukothai province and hit the road on October 1st of 2012. Since then, I've managed to spend 2 months in intensive meditation settings in 4 different countries, incuding Thailand, Burma, India, and Nepal, and devoted about 2 months to yoga, including a 4 week teacher training course. Even though my plan didn't work out the way I thought it would, you can see that my dream last year and the reality of what has happened the past 7 months are pretty similar. The details look a little different, but the beautiful thing is that what actually happened was better than what I had hoped for. Despite not getting a meditation VISA for Burma, and thereby having to cut my trip there to 1 month, I have a feeling that the way things have worked out have been far beyond what I could have imagined.

It's important to have plans, to have dreams about the future, but we need to understand that ultimately, the future is out of our control. There are too many forces at work, unexpected twists and turns in life to think that we can create the future. But, we do find that we can co-create with the universe. By having an intention, we act and can thereby manifest something within the confines of our own abilities and in accordance with the laws of nature. In this way, we can cause a rock in our hand to hit the ground by letting go of it. The intention will be to let go of the rock and one can be sure if unobstructed, that rock will hit the ground. This is working within our limitations and in accordance with the laws of nature. Whether we do this consciously or unconsciously, we are doing it. If we can become aware of our intentions, we can consciously sculpt them in order to bring about a desired result. One will find, that if they let go of the rock but have the desire for it to go up instead of down, they will be going against nature and will fail to produce the desired result.

What this means for us is that we can set intentions to consciously create our future while understanding that we have limited abilities. Instead of having a plan and sticking to it, we can see that it's better to have dreams, to have ideas, and to be open for what the future holds. If we are too attached to our plans, we will miss opportunities as they present themselves to us. Besides, you never know when you get hit by a bus while trying to cross the street or a meteor lands on your head. You just never know.

On this trip in particular, almost nothing has gone as planned. I thought I knew what was going to happen, I was to fly to Goa and start my yoga teacher training on the beach right away. I'd be a certified teacher by the end of January, make my way to the Kumbha Mela, then to Bodh Gaya for a meditation retreat, and then to Rishikesh before flying back to Thailand in March. I had it all figured out and was happy about my little plan. Oh, how foolish I was! What I didn't know, yet, was that India had a different plan for me. When I've been able to accept this, things have gone pretty smooth for me, but when I resist this idea, and I try too hard to control, I have suffered. And believe me, Oh, how I have suffered on this trip. Not only has it been the most rewarding adventure of my life, it's also been the most difficult, and challenges have been plentiful.

So what happened was I didn't like my yoga course, in Goa, dropped out after 1 night, and headed to Auroville, a spiritual and intentional community run mostly by foreigners, to volunteer at Sadhana Forest, a reforestation project. After 3 weeks of living with travelers from all over the world, planting trees, and making new friends, I headed to Bangalore to see Amma. My week in Bangalore gave me time to spend 3 days at the Art of Living ashram for a yoga course, and to see the IKSCON (Hare Krishna movement) International Headquarters. From there I took the train to Kolkata and then to Gaya, for my 10 day retreat, which proved to be the only thing that really worked out as planned. After 2 weeks in Bodhgaya, soaking up the Buddhist pilgrimage vibe, I dropped my stuff on in Sarnath and headed out to the Kumbha Mela. Although I did have that planned before as well, I planned to go before the meditation retreat during the peak time of the over 1 month religious festival that attracted 80 million people. Having found the crowds when I was there to be more than enough, I was grateful to not have gone during the peak bathing dates.

It was around this point that I decided to take a short dip into Nepal, to hit up a Burmese meditation center in Lumbini that a German told me about. Besides, I had already gone to two of the four main Buddhist Holy places, and this allowed me to complete the circuit. This new idea meant I only had one night at the Mela and one night in Varanasi, India's holiest city along the Ganges River. After sleeping on the ground with a bunch of dirty hippies in the Rainbow Camp at the Mela and then watching dead bodies burn and barely avoiding getting eaten by street dogs in Varanasi, I was ready to get back into the silence of a meditation retreat, so as to do the work that would allow me to handle these adverse situations that India was throwing at me. If you come here in your own little world, full of judgments and feeling entitled, your bubble will be popped by the shit-show that is this country. The more I practice meditation, the more I am able to find peace amidst the craziness, to keep my balance even in the face of difficult situations.  It helps me to see that everything is in a constant state of flux, and there's nothing really there to grab onto. I sense myself constantly changing and understand that so is everything else. Understanding this helps me to relax my expectations, and to be okay with whatever happens. It hasn't been easy. Sometimes, I feel strong, and other times, at my weakest.

While in Auroville, in January, I made reservations for another yoga teacher training course in Rishikesh, so I headed there from Nepal after my 8 day retreat in Lumbini. I started training on my own, taking classes around town, and preparing for the 1 month intensive. After the first few hours of the course, I knew that, once again, I had found myself in the wrong place. Another failed attempt to plan to be where I needed to be. Where I needed to be, as I found out, was further north, up around Dharamsala. So after 2.5 weeks in Rishikesh, I came to Dharamsala and found the neighboring community of Bhagsu for a third attempt at becoming a yoga teacher. When I got here, the doubt that was prevelant in Goa and Rishikesh had vanished, and I knew with all my heart that I was exactly where I needed to be.

Looking back in this way, at the facts, makes me realize how blessed I've been and how it would have been impossible for me to plan out for all these things to happen to me. My trip has been much different than I expected, but more rewarding that I had imagined. By staying open to what the universe has in store for me, I've been afforded the ability to see opportunities, and the flexibility to take advantage of them. I now know that when sculpting my future, it's good to have dreams, it's good to have a sense of purpose and direction, but when the time comes, it's good to be able to let go of plans and step into the magic and the mystery that is the present moment.

Now, one year after returning to Thailand, I have no plans to return to the good ol' USA and am overwhelmed by this magic and the beauty of life. My head is once again filled with a million ideas about the future, but I'm learning how to keep the fire stoked without getting burned. What lies ahead for me in the future is only possibilities, and I now believe that any dream of mine can come true. As for my fate, time will only tell. I can only hope that this feeling I have today, high up in the Himalayas, about how life is one epic journey, will never fade. Keep dreaming!