Going to Bed Hungry

Right now, I am hungry. Or let me rephrase from more of a Buddhist perspective: there is hunger arising in the framework of this body-mind experience that is currently being known. I've been awake since early this morning, have only eaten breakfast and lunch, and just got home from a long day at work, but I won't eat anything else before going to bed.

You might be thinking that I am too poor to afford to buy food, which is a reasonable guess for those of you who know me. Even though it's the end of the month, and I have a long history of being broke, I actually have more than enough cash in my pocket to afford food for the next couple days until I get paid again. Not only that, but there is plenty of good food in my kitchen.

As some of you might know, if you've been reading my blog lately, I've been experimenting with a more austere lifestyle in order to get a taste of freedom. After discovering that I feel more freedom by practicing restraint than indulgence, I've been compelled to continue to up-the-ante. I've already got enough rules to try to live by for the time being, so I'm not going to bother using force here, but I am going to make an effort to just eat two meals a day when it seems like it won't cause too much suffering.

Herein lies the dichotomy: in order to find freedom from suffering, we must invite it into our lives. Only then will we be able to recognize it, understand its causes, and eventually learn to overcome it. At least that is the Buddhist perspective. If you have another way that is easier, let me know.

By sitting here and deliberately allowing myself to feel this hunger arising I am creating the space for which to be able to hold this experience of suffering. What I should say is that I'm building up a tolerance for unpleasantness, because I don't actually feel like I'm suffering, in spite of the fact that it's a little uncomfortable. I've been doing this for the past few days--just eating two small-to-normal sized meals a day, and watching my reaction to skipping dinner at night. What I've found is that the mental reaction is worse than the physical discomfort, and this in itself is a wonderful reminder of the relationship between pain and suffering.

Pain arises, and then it is the mind that complains and causes suffering. If the mind was able to change its beliefs as to what should or shouldn't happen, the suffering would cease altogether. Plenty of people go to bed hungry in this world every night, and it's not by choice. Do you think they are disappointed that they don't have dinner? If you never had dinner, would you expect it? Certainly not. It is the conditioned needs of the mind that sets us up for suffering, not the situation itself.

Now that I am one week into Khao Phansa, the three month Buddhist Lent period during which many Buddhists undergo stricter adherences of austerity in their lives and their meditation practice, I've already had the opportunity to see the benefits that such practices have to offer. Instead of seeing things as being so final, or black and white, having a time period for which to experiment with such matters seems to offer some mental ease when it comes to the whole thing. If I told myself I was going to meditate for 90 minutes daily for the rest of my life, I would undoubtedly become overwhelmed with the daunting task and throw in the towel. But with a shorter time period of 90 days, I have some faith I can actually do it, and at the end, I'll be able to decide whether or not I continue, with no pressure either way. So far, I've been able to adhere to this more austere lifestyle, and have even found ways to go beyond my initial goals in things like 2 hours of meditation on many days and now eating only two meals. Another thing that I'm playing around with is not using any seasoning in my food, in an attempt to not allow craving for the sense pleasure of taste to arise while eating.

When it comes to these practices, which I've experimented with before with varying degrees of success, it seems that a stepping-stone approach works best. I've often failed in the past because I tried to make too large a leap, and I just fell short. I had been so excited about this spiritual path that I just got too overzealous. Now I see that it's best to let it come sort of naturally, and not try to control the progression too much. When I feel compelled to do something, I will try it, but not because I feel like I should, but because it seems like the logical next step.

I highly encourage you to investigate the nature of your own being and its relationship to suffering by willfully engaging in experiments of living a more austere life. The easiest thing to do is to go to a monastery or meditation retreat in which you will be expected to follow such guidelines and you will have the support of others who are doing the same. But if that isn't available to you, maybe you can try something at home. I know many people who are trying to lose weight will experiment with skipping meals with great success. The challenge becomes to not over-eat during the other two meals of the day. This is a good lesson that is worth noting. If we take it to an extreme that we aren't ready for, we're likely to come crashing down and be worse off than we were before. We need to be careful here, to not over-do it and to be reasonable with where we are in our capacity to live with austerity. We don't have to lie to ourselves, thinking that it is easy. We can accept that these experiments are difficult and that just by trying, we are doing something good for ourselves.

When we challenge ourselves in wholesome directions in order to become better people, the fruits of our efforts benefit those around us as well. Not only do we become stronger and more disciplined, but we also become more compassionate on account of our intimate relationship with our own suffering. It's too easy to just come home, stuff ourselves, and sit in front of the TV. The reason why we like doing this so much (and believe me, I like it too) is that it offers us a chance to escape any sort of discomfort. But if we keep avoiding discomfort at every opportunity, we are crippling ourselves from learning how to deal with it when it inevitably arises in our lives.

Similar to the way I felt while doing a 1-week raw-food diet experiment in India earlier this year, I feel like this experiment is putting me in touch with the bare experience of what it means to be alive. Instead of feeling comfortably numb, like I do after indulging, I feel like I am vibrant and full of life. It's actually so unfamiliar to me that my mind thinks it's discomfort, when really it's something quite special. Buddhist monks in the Therevada tradition live by 227 precepts, one of which is refraining from eating after 12-noon. Moreover, in the Thai Forest Tradition of Northeastern Thailand, which is known for being especially austere in it's practices, monks only eat one meal a day, usually around 9 or 10am. I've stayed at a couple forest tradition monasteries and found that the one meal a day isn't really so bad, if you can get past the whining and complaining of the mind.

So that's just it, it's just this mind that separates us from the freedom that is our birthright. In order to connect with this freedom, we have to work to purify our hearts and minds in order to see what's really happening, the truth. When we are able to see the truth, we can develop wisdom and we are on the path to becoming freer, better people, for ourselves and all living creatures everywhere. Don't give up!

Not Just Living for the Weekends

Having just worked everyday for the past two weeks, while maintaining a level of fulfillment and balance that I haven't known before, I became aware of just how far from this I "normally" am. In the past, I have held this mentality that is shared by many, which is to live for the weekends, or for those times when we are able to be free from daily responsibilities. We tend to grit our teeth and countdown until the next break we have. I remember always thinking on Mondays something to the effect of, "only four more days until Friday."

The problem with this mentality is that it is only honoring a small portion of our lives, and the rest of it is just seen as something that we have to endure. 

Life shouldn't be something that we endure, it should be something that we celebrate. 

To celebrate life is to honor the importance that each role plays, not to differentiate and thereby assign a value system. If we aren't careful, we start to see some parts of our lives as valuable and the rest of it as miserable. We perpetuate our own suffering by doing this, and we whine and complain about all the things we must do to keep ourselves alive.

What I remember about this is that the fulfillment that I may or may not get on the weekends was only enough to last for a little while, and then I would just need to look forward to the next opportunity to feel good again. Even when I had a job I liked, I would just be going through the motions, dreaming about the day when I wouldn't have to wake up and go to work in the morning.

As someone who loves a good challenge, I am now offering myself the challenge to be able to appreciate all aspects of my life, not just when I have free-time. What this means in the practical sense is that I am trying to practice mindfulness. When I am being mindful, I notice that I don't care much whether I am eating a nice bowl of food or am hot and sweaty while walking through Bangkok. Mindfulness just sees things as they are, it doesn't judge them.

In my opinion, the spiritual life isn't something you choose, it's something you must work for. It's one thing to say to yourself, "Okay, I'm going to enjoy every minute of everyday," but it's another thing altogether to actually experience the manifestation of that. Although I'm far from that point, I have noticed a shift taking place. I have found more moments of mindfulness throughout my work day and I attribute that to a consistent sitting mediation practice at home. When I sit every morning, I am building a strong foundation for mindfulness for the rest of the day. Whatever efforts I put forth in the morning will train the mind to keep coming back to the present moment. The idea with mindfulness is to try have these snippets of presence as often as possible and then to sort of string them together into stream of awareness.

As I was walking out of work tonight, I noticed that I felt nice and light and relaxed. Usually, I can't wait to get out of there and get home, and the tension makes me uneasy. In addition to feeling more relaxed at the end of the work day, I have been noticing the lack of thoughts about not wanting to go to work upon waking. I am beginning to neither look forward to work, nor dread it, but just see it as something that I must do, just like taking a shower or brushing my teeth. Throughout the days, while I'm at work, or on my way to and fro, I keep coming back to my breath, and then realize that my attention was elsewhere for who knows how long. These beautiful moments of awareness are usually short-lived, but they serve as reminders that we tend to live in our minds and not in the present moment.

Can we see that everything is just happening, and that nothing is supposed to be happening?

Can we connect with this ever-changing moment and find a sense of gratitude to be experiencing whatever it is that we are experiencing?

Can we see that every moment is precious, and not something to merely endure?

Khao Phansa: a 90-day Meditation Challenge

Today marks the opening day of the 3-month rains retreat for Therevada Buddhists, which is called Vassa. Traditionally, this period is a time for wandering monks to post-up in a monastery for the rainy season, and often associated with a period of intensive meditation practice. Apparently, this tradition dates all the way back to the Buddha, and was intended to prevent monks from wandering through fields and trampling on young sprouting crops. For many lay-Buddhists, or non-monastic Buddhist followers, it is also a time to observe a more strict discipline for their practice, or to abstain from things like drinking alcohol or smoking.

Last year, during this period, I undertook the personal challenge to quit drinking, and even though it was extremely challenging, I was able to make it without a drop. Shortly after the end of the Vassa, which is called Awk Phansa (literally exiting the rain), while traveling through Burma, I gave in and broke my streak.

This year, as Khao Phansa (entering the rain) was approaching, I wanted to use it as another opportunity to challenge myself and deepen my practice. As I'm already on another no-drinking streak, this one more than 5 months in, I figured I should keep it more focused on meditation.

I was looking on a local meditation group's website the other day and saw they were implementing a program in which participants would vow to practice at home 30 minutes a day, in addition to some chanting and observation of some other rules, and a weekly group meeting. As this weekly event falls on my day off, I won't be able to participate, but still found the idea inspiring.

Insight Meditation Timer app for Android. 

At the end of June I told myself I would sit at least an hour for everyday in July, and so far, I've been able to do just that. Since I see personal challenges as stepping stones, I felt compelled to take it up a notch, so I've decided to challenge myself to 90 days of 90 minutes a day, in addition to morning and evening chanting. I want the first and last words coming out of my mouth each day to be in Pali language, as a way to keep those most valuable parts of my day connected to the Dhamma.

A challenge like this, for me, isn't about winning or losing. It's just a fun way to give myself a little push in a positive direction, in order to learn something about myself and hopefully change my life. In the past few years, I've undertaken many such challenges and even though not all of the things I've tried to implement into my daily life have been strictly observed every day, I have still seen this effort to steer my life in a wholesome direction bring about many positive changes, personal strength, and inner peace.

Some other things I hope to keep up for the next 3 months are daily yoga (at least 12 sun salutations), a strictly vegan diet (I'm almost there already), and a regular habit of writing in my blog, if not everyday. With my work schedule, and the commute to and from, it's going to be pretty hard to fit everything into one day. Since the point isn't to push myself so much that I break, I will keep a light attitude about everything, and just try my best. If I feel like I'm being too hard on myself, I'll happily back off a little, and I hope to keep you guys posted on how I'm doing. Wish me luck!

Freedom: the Ability to Say "No"

Many people have asked me why I submit myself to practicing restraint from things I want to do. "Isn't that freedom, to be able to do as you want?" they ask me. It would appear to be this way, wouldn't it. This is our working definition of freedom. We think that to be free is to be able to do whatever we want, when we want it. We celebrate our freedom to choose and the freedom in our western worlds to live the life we want to live.

But is this really freedom?

I think we need a new definition of freedom. Instead of being able to choose, it should be being able to say no. True freedom comes not from giving in to desire for sense pleasures, but from being able to resist this desire. Do you want to be a slave to every craving you have? This is what is happening. The mind tells us we want something, and then we find ourselves bending over backwards to make that happen. This is not freedom, this is mental slavery, and if you don't believe me, ask a recovering alcoholic or drug addict.

I guess I consider myself a recovering alcoholic as well, and every time I find the strength and courage to say no and walk away, something wells up within me. In those moments, the revelation of what freedom to choose truly means becomes clear in my mind. But you don't have to have problems with alcohol or drugs to benefit from this practice. Those are just extreme examples.

We are largely led through life by our desires. We want to be happy, we want to be satisfied, to feel fulfilled, and we want to be loved. We want, we want, we want. The wanting never stops. Can you see this?

The reason why the wanting never stops is because we tend to give in to these cravings. Just like a child who cries to get what it wants, so too does our inner child cry out for the gratification of its whimsical desires. And just like a child who always gets what he or she wants experiences more and more faith in his or her ability to do exactly that, by employing the means of annoying the parents until they give in, so too does our inner child whine and scream until we finally give in. Every time we give in, to either the inner child or the outer one, we are reinforcing their strength and power over us, and we are losing our grip on our ability to stand our ground.

Okay, so I'm not trying to tell you how to train your children, I don't have any and I don't pretend to know the best methods. But I am encouraging myself to train my mind, and I want to share this journey with you.

Watch the cravings come, watch them go, you don't have to feed them, you know. 

Last night, my company had a huge 10 year anniversary party with over 500 attendees from the 9 different branches we have around Bangkok. There was free food and drinks for all. Now, take me back a few years, and I would have destroyed this event, in the sense that I would have taken full advantage. I would have eaten everything and drunk everything I possible could. I probably would have had a great time.

But as I get older, I am finding that there is something more to life than having a "great time." A great time like that is only due to the conditions that support it. Take away those conditions, and you take away the great time. No matter how hard you try, you won't be able to maintain the conditions necessary for great times. There's only so much you are able to do to protect yourself from the harshness of life. Here is the basic law of the universe. Whatever is created must be destroyed.

If you are experiencing good times now, hard times are sure to follow. 

This is a simple reality that we all must face. But what it means is that for those of you out there who are experiencing hard times now, you can rest assured that good times are sure to come. Life has a way of balancing itself it out, and if we fight against that, we will inevitably lose.

So instead of having a great time last night, I had a modest amount of food and went home. With the exception of becoming aware of what I was potentially missing out on, I didn't feel any sense of tightening around my decision. Looking back, in those situations when I was trying make the most out of things in hopes to perpetuate the good times, I do remember this sense of tightening. It's fear really, that my normal day-to-day life isn't good enough, and that I have to somehow make it better, and hold on to those high-points. But what comes up, must come down. And I did.

Being able to walk away from temptation last night, from the desire and craving, and not be sick over my decision, I really felt a sense of freedom. I am now starting to see freedom as the ability to do otherwise. Not in the sense that you could do something other than what you did, but in the sense that you did do something other than what you would. What I mean is that our cravings have already made decisions about what we will do in certain situations. To feed those cravings is to reinforce their ability to choose for us. This is easy to do, but mental slavery.

Try to become aware of what it is you are unable to walk away from. It might come in different forms than what you expect. The obvious is the drugs, the alcohol, cigarettes, the chocolate or ice-cream, but can you see what else it might be? TV? Music? Sex? It comes in all forms...

When  cravings arise, just notice them. You don't have to gather up armies right away to try to combat them. Take them one step at a time.

Just becoming aware of your cravings is a step in the right direction, a step toward freedom. 

I can't sit here and pretend that I've overcome the challenges of cravings and desire, not even close. But I can promise you that I am working on it, that I'm doing my best, and I'm going to let that be good enough for me, for now. Everyday, I get stronger, and I experience more and more the ability to say no, the ability to walk away and feel like I do have a choice.

Close Your Eyes, Open Your Heart

Just a moment ago, as I was doing yoga, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in. In that moment, something happened. I felt my heart open, and thereby realized that it had been closed. Not a shocker, as I have found that this has been a difficult thing for me to maintain in the past, an open heart.

Even though I view life and the world with a sense of optimism, there is a still a tendency to carry myself with this shield over my heart. When you look at what is happening in the world, all the pain and suffering, the immediate reaction is to protect yourself. This is a survival skill, and although it has its place in keeping us safe, it isn't making the situation any better.

In a way, the world, for each of us, starts from the very center of our being and radiates outward. This isn't necessarily a choice, it's just the reality of our perspective from where we are standing. Keeping this in mind, it seems all too important to assess how exactly we are looking at the world. If we are viewing life and humanity from a jaded perspective, allowing the negative aspects of our past and the harsh realities of the present conditions in many parts of the world to keep our hearts locked up in a safe deep down there somewhere, we are no better than our oppressors.

The only way to combat the situations that we find as being less-than desirable is to bring an amount of love to them. I say an amount because to heedlessly pour your entire heart and soul into everything would leave you exhausted, tapped-out, and vulnerable. The point here is to bring strength into our lives, so that we might better use our resources to help each other and the rest of humanity. If we are throwing our love around carelessly, we are probably wasting it.

Love is a precious thing, and very strong at that. To tune into the love within you is to open up a box of your most powerful resource. What you do with it will define who you are, and will help to shape the world around you.

At what level are you allowing love to flow freely from your heart?

If you are like me, than you might notice there seems to be a bit of blockage there. Don't worry, I'd say this is fairly normal, and it's not necessarily our fault. We are conditioned to care about trivial things, and have learned to hate from a very young age. I've been working hard to remove the hate from my life, replacing it instead with compassion and tolerance. But where is the love? Yes, compassion is a form of love, one of the purest forms, but there is another form that is also important, and that is what is called metta in the Pali language, or what's usually translated as loving-kindness. 

In Buddhism, there are specific practices that help one to develop loving-kindness for all beings. Although I have done these practices, I don't do them often. Since I don't have access to a good meditation teacher, or guru, on a regular basis, I need to learn to guide myself through this process of opening my heart. What it's going to take is a lot of patience, persistence, and humility.

Whenever we go into the heart, we are bound to find wounds. Tread lightly my friends, as the weight of the world is upon us. There is nothing more deeply profound than to venture into your heart, in an attempt to open it up and share it with the world. But it's probably not going to be a journey filled with nothing but warm fuzzy feelings and a sense of connectivity. Yes, those moments are there, but if that's all we are willing to see, we are probably neglecting to get back into those dark corners where we've been hurt and are still carrying the baggage.

We've all been hurt, we've all felt pain, and we've all suffered. This is the first noble truth according to the Buddha. What's worse is that we tend to hold on to these wounds, and even identify with them, in order to develop pity for ourselves and then use it to justify a jaded world view. Just like a good essay writer, we make our claim and then back it up with supporting evidence of all the times we've been wronged. This is what we do, isn't it?

It's one thing, to take a look within and see that this is happening. This is progress, but it's only the first step. It's too easy to have a realization like this and then just slide back into habituated perspectives without ever addressing the root of the problem. Since I'm still in the process of figuring out what that is for me, I'm not going to offer you some sort of magical solution. But what I am going to do is encourage you to take a look, to close your eyes and open your heart. When you do, try to be real about what you find. Sit with the pain, sit with the memories of being hurt.

Can you be a container big enough to hold your suffering?

If you can, what you might find happens is that you will find an opening taking place. By opening up to what is, we can heal our wounds and find the right amount of sensitivity to offer to the rest of the world. Don't offer something you don't have. I've seen too many people wrapped up in the desire to be something they aren't, to offer something they don't have, and have watched it all fall apart. If you offer yourself to others at the expense of neglecting yourself, you aren't helping anyone.

In order to be the change you wish to see in the world, you need to be strong. Just as one who wants a strong body must first exercise, we too must work to develop a strong foundation from which to stand up and not be blown over every time there is a breeze.

Your heart waits for you to give it the time and energy it needs to be healed, and become whole again. It doesn't like to be hidden behind a shield nor whimsically thrown around and stomped on. It has a message for us, but are we listening? My heart is telling me that it's time to come out of its shell, that I've been working so hard to develop this strong foundation and now its time to come forth and be a beacon of light for the world.

But what I don't believe is that this heart is mine. 

No, I don't believe my heart is any different than yours. By listening to one heart you have listened to the hearts of all those who have ever lived. We all yearn for a connection to the whole, we all yearn for belonging, to be understood, and to be accepted. But if we continue to see ourselves as such separate entities, we will continue to find ourselves feeling disconnected, isolated, and misunderstood. With this jaded perspective, judgment and condemnation prevails, instead of love and compassionate acceptance.

The only reason there is injustice in this world is because the love is not shared. The only way to stop oppression is to love the oppressors. And if you're not ready to accept this, I understand.

If you're not ready to love even the worst of us, at least love yourself!

If our perspective of the world radiates out from the center of our own being, we need to be careful about the condition of this tender spot within. Bring love, compassion, and light into the darkness that lies within, and you will begin to see that what you do to yourself, you do for all.

I love you!

There Is No Answer

I keep coming into the same questions about life, and I find that I keep banging my head on the wall in search of the answers. Eventually, it occurs to me that I am indeed banging my head on the wall and something beautiful happens. I am allowed the opportunity to take a step back and find the doorway through to the other side of the problem.

It has just been recently that I have been stuck on another one of these problems. This one, in particular, isn't new to me though. I have been here before, many times, and it seems to be a recurring question for me.

How to make the most out of life?

It seems like whether or not this question is in the forefront of our life, it's always there, somewhere. The difference is that for some it is nothing more than a dream, a fantasy question that has little relevance to their lives and the situations they find themselves in. But for others, and I'd like to think myself included, I don't see much of a difference between dreams and possibilities. And this, as I see it, is a blessing and a curse.

It is a blessing because I feel like I can have an impact on the direction my life is going in and, to a certain extent, create my future. It is a curse because it means that I am constantly trying to figure out what I should do, what would be the best way.

The doorway to the other side, in this particular problem, is to realize that there is no best way. Like everything else, it is dependent upon too many factors. For one person, the best way might be different than for another.

Isn't this the way it should be?

If there was one thing that everyone should do, one answer to the best way to live life, society would fall apart. In order for a society to work, for humanity to thrive, we need to fulfill particular duties and help each other out.

It is because of the comparing mind that I have been repeatedly blindsided by this question. When choosing my path, the tendency is to think "This is the best way, it's better than all the other ways, and that's why I'm going to do it."

Before I am too quick to judge this judgmental mind of mine, I need to give it a little bit of credit. After all, do I want to be choosing the worst way?

Okay, so it appears that this mindset just needs a bit of tweaking, just a gentle reminder.

The only one I am choosing for is myself, so there's no need to compare my path to anyone else's. 

Is anyone else like me? Does anyone else have exactly the same situation, temperament, past, dreams, and values as me? Certainly not. We are all unique individuals when it comes to this matter.

Another potential pitfall here is to in turn think that I have to do something different from everyone else, in order to prove my uniqueness or specialness. Even though there is no one exactly like me, there are many others who fit into a similar mold. Because of this, I can look to others who have gone before me to gain some inspiration and perspective on where I might like to head myself.

Two nights ago I went to see Venerable Ajahn Tiradhammo give a dhamma talk here in Bangkok and was able to ask him a question during the Q&A session. In response to my question, he said something that I will hope to implement into this tiring process of trying to figure out the best path for myself. "Just feel your way through, no reason to make any drastic decisions." Okay, that's not exactly what he said, but it went something like that.

What I feel like will help me at this point is staying true to my values and my intentions to become a better person. If I can do this, I can maybe relax a bit and rest assured that whatever happens, whatever I choose or is chosen for me, will be for the best. I know I can't control everything, but the more I pull my head out of my ass, the more I see I do have some say in the matter. There is a whole future ahead of me, and the world is full of possibilities. But what is driving me? If I can define this, and develop a strong relationship to it, that will prove to be more important than the details of what I choose. Who knows, maybe something will come up that I can't even imagine at this point, and someday, I will look back and be glad I didn't set my future plans in stone at a young age.

There is no answer to the best way to live life. Life is something that is lived in the moment, and trying too hard to control the future means that I'm missing out on my life now. Planning is a good thing, but when done unconsciously, it proves to be a waste of time and brings lots of headache along with it. If I can keep my efforts more focused, even with the end-goal unclear, I'll be doing my best to keep the road ahead paved with the best of intentions and plenty of hope to keep me going.

Life is a constant discovery of who and what we are, which is always changing. To know this is to move like a leaf in the wind, holding on to nothing, running away from nowhere, and heading in no particular direction. I wish you the best of luck on your journeys. 

108 Sun Salutations Before Breakfast

I woke up this morning, feeling a bit under the weather, as I have for the past couple weeks now (I think I've lost weight from blowing my nose so much), and wanted to turn things around a bit for myself. After my 1-hour morning meditation, I decided to hit my yoga mat. I had the idea already, from a few days ago, that I wanted to do 108 sun salutations when I felt well enough to do so. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to pull it off, but I went for it, and took it one at a time.

For those of you who don't know, a sun salutation (Surya Namaskar) is an ancient series of 12 yoga postures strung together by the breath. There are many variations, but I prefer one that seems to come from Hatha Yoga, and includes forward lunges in addition to upward and downward facing dogs. If you are familiar with this sequence, you might be asking if I count left and right side as one salutation or two. Let me assure you, I barely was able to do 108 with counting left and ride as two, so if you are the type that counts one "round" as one "salutation," we are not the same!

There is something quite special about this practice of doing sun salutations. They say that if you do 12 sun salutations a day, you will live longer, and I totally believe this. The problem is, somedays, I don't even want to do one!

There are two opposing ideas that come to mind when sort of "making" myself do something like this:

1. I am fighting laziness, and building will-power. I am doing something good for myself both mentally and physically. I should do this more often.

2. This is a game of the ego. By setting the bar somewhat high, and forcing myself to accomplish the lofty goal, I have created an opportunity to celebrate myself, to puff myself and say look at what I've done! Afterall, isn't that exactly what I'm doing by writing this?

Here are my thoughts:

Yes, there is some danger here with both aspects of these concerns I have.

1. If I don't do something that truly is good for myself because I fear that it will just be a challenge that my ego can celebrate, I'll probably just stay in bed and never do anything. For my personality, it takes a challenge to get myself going sometimes, and there is nothing wrong with this.

2. If I find that my motivation to do something good for myself is just to write something about it on my blog and tell everyone how amazing I am, then I probably should just stay in bed and never do anything.

Ah, the dichotomy of life, I love it! 

Okay, so how do we work through this problem? You should know by now that that's what I really love, is problems. I guess I share them with you because I know some of you out there are going through the same things, at the same time, and this is a way to connect us.

You may have already made up your mind about me, about my motivation, and my sincerity, and that's fine. Why shouldn't you? "This guy is an egotistical maniac, he only wants to prove himself to others to gain some level of self-worth." I actually know for a fact that there are those of you out there who feel this way, because some of you have come right out and accused me of being a self-proclaimed guru who thinks he's enlightened. Maybe they are right, maybe I am just an asshole like I used to be, and finding something different to show-off about. But the truth is, they can't be sure. The only one who can know is myself, and that requires constant evaluation.

That's the thing about the ego, is that it does step in and take over our intentions. Even if we develop wholesome intentions, such as to purify the heart and mind for the benefit of others, the ego can still sneak in the back door if we're not paying attention and turn it into an attainment game. If we deny that this risk is real, we may have already lost the wholesomeness of our intentions. In the world of yoga and meditation, this type of thing happens frequently, and any sort of "progress" just becomes another bragging right.

I've always been a terrible liar. Maybe that's why I've made it a point to stop lying. So I like being open about things, being honest. For one thing, you can read every article in my blog and you will see that I've never made any such claims of being enlightened or a guru. If you want to accuse me of being a self-proclaimed guru, that means, by definition, that I would have, at some point, had to call myself a guru. Other than having found some passing moments of peace in my practice, I'm still a beginner at this whole thing, but because I've fallen in love with it to such an extent, I can't resist sharing it with everyone I meet.

Why have I fallen in love with it?

In my short time on this earth, I feel like I have been fortunate enough to experience many things. In addition to having seen many beautiful places and had unforgettable memories, I have been in many dark corners of my mind, and danced with the devil inside me, and I am grateful for this as well. It has shown me that there are many ways to get your kicks in life, and many alleys that have the promise of being what life is all about. The problem is, that any sort of satisfaction that comes from anywhere but within can and will cause you suffering. You might have what you want for a while, but you will lose it. You will lose your possessions, you will come down from your buzz, you will wake up the next day and have to realize that the best night of your life is over. And then what?

If you can find another source of happiness, the only true and lasting source, you can begin to develop a relationship to the everlasting joy that is your birthright. For me, I have found this source within me, and practices such as yoga and meditation have been the gateway to this inner world. Despite finding myself far from having a constant connecting to this radiant joy, I've seen it, I've tasted it, and I know it's real.

So why am I writing this article?

I don't know, that's a good question, one that I am also asking myself. I guess I'm just thinking with my fingers and watching it appear on the screen. First of all, 108 sun salutations isn't the world's greatest achievement, it only takes an hour or so, and besides, I've already done it once, in India, and didn't write about it that time. I guess it's just that feeling that I have, that is a result from having treated myself to a truly divine way to wake up this morning, and it has inspired me to write something. Although I wasn't sure what I was going to write, I must say I didn't expect it to go in this direction, but at some point, I became self-aware of the greater lesson here, the one that I was potentially guilty of failing to recognize.

If we want to improve our lives, and do something good for ourselves, we have to be careful that it is for the right reasons. If we just want power, money, fame, or praise for our efforts, it would be better if we did nothing at all. To really improve ourselves is to purify the heart and mind, and in order to do this, we have to have wholesome intentions. This requires us to constantly check in with our intentions, to ask ourselves what it is that is driving us. If we can't answer, or if we are too quick to assume that what is driving us is wholesome, we might be turning a blind eye to the fact that our efforts have become a game of the ego.

So I encourage you to take the time in your own life to go within and discover the answer to this question for your own life. Don't just do it once, you must continue to do it as you progress through life. And if you find that you aren't really progressing, that you don't really have anything that is driving you, I invite you to try yoga and meditation on for size. As it turns out, it's one size fits all!

Thank you for reading. I hope that in some way, this will help you to make sense of and improve your own life.

Namaste.

The Art of Doing Nothing

As much as I am plugged in, and spend a lot of my free-time online or watching movies, I am becoming more and more comfortable with not doing anything, or doing nothing. In the modern world, the need to keep ourselves entertained is growing and our ability to be content without having something to do is diminishing. Going anywhere in Bangkok provides constant reminders of just how much society is growing dependent on their devices to keep them from getting bored.

Even though a lot of the time I spend is devoted to learning Thai or studying Dhamma, I still feel compelled to put the book or computer down and let life catch up to me. What I am coming to believe is that boredom is a myth. It's an experience based on the fear that the mind will have nothing to engage itself in and we will therefore have to bear witness to its insanity. Now, don't get me wrong, there's a reason this fear exists, and there are a million reasons why one would want to avoid having to witness the insanity of their own mind, but if we want to be free, there's no way around it.

Ignorance is bliss, but it's also prison. It's like painting beautiful scenery onto prison walls and believing that we have a nice view of reality. Sure, it's nice to look at a painting, but the moment we fail to realize that it's a painting, we are deluded. I don't know about you, but I for one intend to wake up from this state of constant delusion in order to see the world as it really is. There may be different techniques that enable us to eradicate this delusion, but all of them require some serious work to be done. Anyone who tries to promise you freedom that won't require you to do anything is deluded about what freedom really is.

So what is freedom?

Freedom, in the sense I am referring to, is the absence of impurities in the mind. So as long as there is still judgment, anger, resentment, impatience, pride, or greed, we cannot be free. If you think you are free, just check to see if any of these things are still present. If they are, you might find that it's worth a shot to learn this art of doing nothing.

But what's so special about doing nothing?

Well, if the mind is constantly full of defilements, doing nothing is a miserable experience. This is why I could only manage to sit for a few minutes when I first started meditating. Anything beyond that was mental torture. It was like someone pointing out all your shortcomings and expecting you to just sit there and take it. If you're like me, there's only so much you can handle in one sitting. But as the mind begins to calm down, the process of purification begins to take place and glimpses of freedom are experienced. Once freedom is experienced, the motivation to continue solidifies and the illusion of boredom is replaced with the reality of a crazy mind.

It's one thing to have a crazy mind, it's another thing to have a crazy mind with no skills as to how to deal with it. It would be like having a serial killer on the loose and knowing that there were no cops out there looking for him. That's when the real fear would set in, but as long as those cops are there we can at least tell ourselves, "They'll catch him, and then we can be safe again."

Not knowing how to deal with boredom is like knowing there is a serial killer in your neighborhood but not having anyway to protect yourself. It's that constant fear of doing nothing, of any gap in activity in which the crazy mind will lurk up behind you and you will be forced to sit through it's madness. The worst part is, for many, is that they won't even know what hit them. It's like being pulled into the underworld without having realize that you've gone. It's like a mental black hole, and it sucks up everything in its path.

If you have not explored silent meditation much, you can sit down with the idea of doing nothing and see what happens. You will probably just experience the familiar feeling of being bored, and then you will get caught up in your thoughts and spin into some dark abyss rather quickly. It's worth trying just to come to terms with the fact that this is how it is. That's why we use an anchor in meditation practice, most of the time, in order to have an object to focus our attention on and keep us grounded in the here and now.

I have some pretty good friends who have admitted to me that they haven't really tried much in the way of silent meditation. "I don't do well sitting still for long periods," they've said. Well, in my opinion, that's all the more reason to practice doing exactly that. If sitting still in silence is easy for you, and you don't just get sucked into thinking, or daydreaming, or some sort of state where you are half asleep and disconnected from the present moment, then you must have a fairly pure mind. If you are like me, and most others, it's not so simple. The dark reality of our inner world becomes evident and it can be truly scary. It makes us want to do something, do anything other than sit there and witness the chilling reality, but the more we are able to do exactly that, the more we are able to find freedom, peace, and happiness.

If you do try this, I'll just ask that you are honest with yourself. If you can admit that the mind is indeed crazy and out of control, the next step is to find a practice in which to learn to control it and purify it. Instead of thinking that meditation isn't for you, don't even think of it as meditation. Just think of it as being able to spend time with yourself, without doing anything else. The art of doing nothing is synonymous with a fulfilling life. I find it hard to believe that one could have a deeply fulfilling life without have the ability to do nothing. The more you avoid doing nothing, the more you allow your problems to pile on top of each other. Just like we need to take out the trash in our kitchen or on our computer, we need to take the time to empty the trash in our minds.

Doing nothing is a special thing to do. It's just you, watching your life unfold, from moment to moment. Still bored?

The Spiritual Experience

This seems to be what so many of us out there today are looking for. We take a meditation retreat, we take a pill, we take a journey to some spiritual place, hoping to come in contact with some "spiritual experience," something that will make us feel alive again and tell us that everything will be okay. I don't want to say that there is anything wrong with that, but just that with this mentality, the spiritual life is always one step away.

A friend of mine, whom I met in India, recently stayed at a center in Myanmar to practice for 40 days, and posted something about his experience on Facebook. Someone commented on his post, asking him if he had any spiritual experiences to share, and his response was such a beautiful reminder of the practice that it inspired me to want to write something about it.

"Every experience is spiritual."  - Sascha from Russia

So there you have it, there is the realization of a very devoted practitioner, one who had spent 40 days in retreats by the time I had met him earlier this year and has since spent another 40 days in an intensive meditation center. If you understand this truth, your spiritual life will open up for you, it'll fall right into your lap, because it's always been there! The only problem is without having known this, we might have been ignorant to it. We go through most of our lives feeling disconnected, chasing after those good feelings, a sense of belonging and worth, but the temporary fixes just don't do the trick. We yearn for something deeper, something more fulfilling and more sustainable, but no matter where we look, and to what lengths we travel, we're always a step behind.

Here in Thailand, where you can't drink the tapwater, I have to refill big jugs in a machine downstairs and then fill smaller bottles that I keep cold in the fridge. The mouth of the jugs are quite a bit larger than those on the 1 liter bottles I keep in the fridge, so this act of pouring is always a bit of an exercise in concentration. As I was trying my best to keep a steady stream of water pouring into the bottle, I had a sudden reminder of exactly what Sascha was talking about. The focus of my mind, coordinating with my body to keep the jug tilted at just the right angle, and the steady gaze of my eyes looking into a miniature waterfall of crystal clear water filling up a bottle that will support my life here on earth. In those moments, time had stopped. There were no thoughts about the future or memories about the past. There was no me and my boatload of problems, opinions, and concerns. In those moments, I was free. It was truly a spiritual experience, but yet an everyday one.

So what made me have a spiritual experience in that everyday moment as opposed to the countless other everyday experiences where I don't feel that connection?

That's easy, I was paying attention. Pay attention to your life and you will find that it's full of these moments. They are never-ending.

Another friend of mine, who is having a bit of a hard time back in the states, said something to me the other day that illustrates this disconnection that people are feeling. "I can't even imagine how much life you're experiencing daily. I feel like I'm not even living," he said. I wonder what exactly it is that he thinks I'm doing over here on a daily basis that would lead him to believe this. If you stay somewhere for a while, walking through the streets and going to work becomes familiar rather quickly. Once things are familiar, the senses are dulled and we stop paying attention. Sure, you can move somewhere else, get off to a new start, and things will be fresh and exciting for a while, but as soon as that wears off, it's just you and life left to ride out the waves of change. To fight against these waves, this change, results in stagnation and disconnection. To embrace change, we must connect with the ever changing moment.

Okay, okay, I know I'm making this all sound so easy, like I've got it all figured out. But let me assure you, it's not, and I don't. It takes work, you see, to be able to maintain this connection to the beauty and the mystery of life. What we can do now is see that it's always there, and at least believe in our ability to open up to it. Then, with continued practice, we will catch these reminders, these moments that bring us back to what is happening in the here and now, and we will realize we were here the whole time. The only thing that changes is our attention. The more glimpses of this we have, especially those that aren't dependent on external conditions being fulfilled, the more faith we have that it's there, and the more inspired we are inspired to cultivate our relationship to it.

It's easy to feel connected when you are listening to some beautiful music, taking a walk through nature, or watching the sunset, but what about all those other in-between times? If we start assigning values to our experiences, seeing some as being special while others are seen as insignificant or downright boring, we will still be caught in the game of chasing after pleasant experience, instead of seeing the true spiritual nature to each and every experience we have.

So the invitation here is to look no further than the very nuts and bolts of your life, the highs and lows and everything in between. See if you can connect to this moment and find what is in store for you. It might not always be pretty, it might not always be enjoyable, but it's always real and it's always happening.

There are no dull moments, only dull minds. 

The Dhamma of Being Sick

Wait for it, wait for it, ah, there it is! It's that voice in my head that says, "Why me?" Of course, no one wants to be sick, but it happens to everyone. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I hope to turn this around into another opportunity to practice.

Whenever life offers us less-than-desirable circumstances, we usually find that the "poor me" button is pushed, over, and over, and over. We are so used to this button being pushed that we don't even realize it's happening. Instead of being aware of what is happening, the whining and complaining becomes an automated response. In this way, we basically try to unload our misery onto those around us, always making every little problem we have everyone else's problem.

So what's the problem with that?

If you have loved ones around, being taken care of can feel pretty good, and in a way, it can strengthen a relationship. But if one isn't careful, it can turn into another way to feel sorry for oneself and attract pity and attention. It sort of feels good to have other people feel sorry for us, we get a little extra love and attention, and it makes it feel special, doesn't it?

But I for one will take a stand and say that I'd rather not have to listen to someone whine and complain all day. When I feel like someone is fishing for something, be it a compliment or sympathy, I don't feel obliged to give it to them, because I don't agree with the way it supports this special-me, or poor-me mentality. When someone is relying on extra attention in order to make themselves feel better, it can be seen as in indication that are neglecting to take the time to bring their own attention, loving-kindness, and compassion within.

Even with this understanding, what is one to do when those around you won't stop fishing? It almost makes you feel bad if you don't give them what they want. One way that I've been exposed to recently is the overwhelming support of my girlfriend, to the point that it sort of makes me laugh and become aware of the internal processes. I'm not asking for it, but I'm getting it anyway. So there you go, we can give each other the compassion and support without be lured in by a plea for pity, and thereby show our love without weakening the individual in need and rendering them helpless.

Real support, real compassion, is not just giving someone a crutch, its teaching them how to walk on their own.

So when we find ourselves on the end that is sick, or does need compassion, what can we do to ensure that we don't fall victim to this victim mentality?

1. Cheer up, try to take your illness light-heartedly.
2. Be clear about how you are feeling, and find non-whiny ways to share it.
3. Give yourself a chance to become intimate with your condition.

When we can develop an intimate relationship with our conditions, in a moment to moment analysis, we might find that what we are experiencing isn't as bad as we had previously imagined. It's the mind that becomes overwhelmed by everything, that becomes stressed out, that makes everything into a big dramatic situation and casts us as the victim.

Okay, okay, so I can see this all happening, but it seems so automatic, how can I stop it?

In insight meditation, when we want to stop something, we don't use force, but understanding. So we simply observe and practice kindness. We know that the process is going on and we are okay with that. Over time, through repeated observation and acceptance, we will notice the process change. It does so on its own, it's a completely natural process. With patience, we can watch the poor-me mentality being replaced with a state of balanced acceptance, called equanimity. Being careful not to push unwanted things away, we can develop the capacity to be at peace with them. It is the peace we seek anyway, and the changing of conditions in our favor is just a bonus.

There's nothing miraculous about this practice, it's simply an understanding of the way the human mind works and it was passed down by the Buddha almost 2,600 years ago. Like a super-dorky scientist of the mind, he was able to see these processes clearly, and offered them up for others to use. He never tried to sell anything, but rather encouraged others to put his teachings to the test in their own lives. As I continue to test his teachings, I develop more and more confidence and trust, or what you might call practical faith. You don't need to believe anything that you can't prove for yourself, through your own experience, so give it a try. What's the worst that could happen?

How to Make Work Your Work Your Practice

Now that I'm well underway with my new job, as an English teacher at a private language center in Bangkok, I've had plenty of chances to see just how much of an opportunity working can be for developing one's practice. Although I find myself wearing a shirt and tie and am far from the daily schedule of the monastery, where I find myself wishing I was, I'm still in a conducive environment to practice if I can open up to the possibilties that every moment offers. In some ways, it doesn't matter what you do, you can always bring awareness to any activity. But what's so special about work?


Getting feedback:

In just about any job, especially when you first start out, you are probably going to get some sort of feedback as to how you are doing. It might be in a formal, sit-down situation, such as with my current job, or it might just be in the unspoken body language of your supervisor. Either way, there will be opinions about how you are doing, and if you are a keen observer, you can pick up on these. What you do with this feedback can really be a great place to practice. If you receive good feedback, and puff yourself up because of it, you are strengthening the false sense of self that is the ego. The stronger the ego, the less connected you are with reality. But the ego doesn't just like to be praised, it is also strengthened by blame. Even blame strengthens the ego in the sense that it reaffirms that it does in fact exist, and then it feels sorry for itself.

Even though I have some teaching experience, the job I'm in now is quite specific and not all the skills are the same. I have a long way to go, but it's still a challenge to recieve criticism without getting defensive. My challenge is therefore to take criticism with a smile, knowing that I have room for improvement, and to take compliments without letting it get to my head.

"Praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow come and go like the wind . To be happy, rest like a giant tree in the midst of them all." - The Buddha


Trash talking:

Another area we can potentially practice while at work is when it comes to talking about others in the workplace, be it co-workers, bosses, or customers. This is a real trap, as in one way, it offers the promise of building a bridge, a way to bond with co-workers and turn them into friends. If you just go along with their remarks about others, it can go a long way in their eyes, and it's easy to do, especially if you agree. Similarly, if you think you have an opinion that they will agree with, it's an easy to hook to throw out there. If they bite, then it's a green-light to bad-mouth the other person whenever the chance arises. As a working relationship continues, this bridge can be strengthened and you readily turn to each other to unload the latest complaint or judgment about the third party.

I've always had a big mouth and an even bigger opinion, but now I'm starting to see that there is nothing good that comes from this. Even if it feels good to find someone who has the same opinion, it doesn't feel good to talk trash about someone else. It's a complete lack of compassion and again, strengthens the ego and the sense of separteness between myself and the rest of the world. As long as this separation exists, I will be unable to see things as they really are and I'll never have access to the freedom and natural joy that is my birthright.

The challenge with trash talking at work is how to find positive things to say about others, and how to listen with compassion to someone who is talking trash without biting the hook? Needless to say, it's not easy, and I'm glad I've had the clarity to notice the early trends now before the bridge is too reinforced to break without an earthquake.


Not taking what isn't given:

I know this sounds stupid, but it's true. I used to take things from the places I worked. Not often and not much, but for example, I might take a couple batteries or some nails, something simple that I knew I needed but didn't want to buy. Beyond that, I might be inclined to take another's belongings if they were left out heedlessly. Some of the things are almost so silly that I used to justify it by saying. "It's just a pencil, they probably wouldn't even care." Okay, on some occasions, that may have actually been true, but the reality remains the same, they weren't given to me.

Many of my friends have been known for taking a ridiculous amount of things from work, to the point where it was even sort of a respected thing to do. For example, if someone worked in a restaurant, they might stock their kitchen at home forks and knives from their workplace. The restaurant might not even have noticed, but that's not the point. If everyone just skims a little off the top, it starts to add up. Even if it doesn't, even if there are no consequences, we are still cultivating an unwholesome mind state by taking things that aren't offered to us.

Especially with my friends, I used to take advantage of the theory that they wouldn't mind. Sometimes, the delusion woudl be so strong that I would later learn that they did in fact mind and was suprised to find out so. One of the five precepts that Buddhists are suggested to follow is to not take what has not been given, and this principle has really made me realize how automatic such a thing had become for me. I wouldn't hesitate about taking something that I figured wasn't significant or important, and it was perpetuating the I-centered universe that I had been living in. If everything resolves around us, then it only makes sense that we should be able to take what we wish, but this is ignorance at its finest. Wouldn't it be nice to know that if you left your nice pen out overnight, it would still be there in the morning? Should we really have to be that careful with our personal belongings, always fearing that someone will conveniently swipe anything that is left around?


Can you find some opportunites to practice at your workplace? If so, please feel free to share your thoughts!

Oh, and by the way, I'm still looking for that pen that I left out the other day...