The Self-Cherishing Mind

*this post is the follow-up to "Sitting with wisdom."

Today, as I was sitting down for the afternoon teachings by Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo, I was feeling pretty good about my spot on the floor. Unlike yesterday, I had a clear shot at the speaker, and that was making me happy. Then, something happened. Something always happens. Someone put their stuff down in front of me, and that someone was taller than me, so immediately, I lost my happiness. "No, don't sit in front of me,  I won't be able to see!" And then something else happened, and this something else doesn't always happen, so I feel fortunate that it did. I noticed. I caught myself. And then I was able to sort of laugh at myself. "Why are you getting so tense about not having the most perfect situation when the focus of her teachings are 1. seeing obstacles as opportunities and 2. putting others before yourself?" It's funny, really, that I would go so far out of my way to sit through someone talking and then not really follow through with anything she is actually saying. It really is funny, but it's also OK, at least I caught it.

You should see all the people in this room bee-lining for the door when the talks are over, trying to cut in front of others so as to not get stuck in the long line of waiting to get downstairs and out the door. And I can't help but to think that so much of that is because we want to feel good about going out of our way to sit through these teachings, and we want to sit there and nod our heads and say to ourselves, "Yes, that is so true, I'm so glad I came here," but then we just go back to our lives like nothing happened. The problem is that we are not letting the teachings sink it. We are not letting them speak to us on a deeper level, we just want that good feeling, like we are doing something good just by showing up, and it's true, we are, but if we don't put these things into practice, what's even the point?

To me, hearing these profound teachings is a real low-blow to the ego, and it should be, it should hurt. If you are only nodding your head, agreeing with everything, maybe you can ask yourself, who is agreeing? Who is rising to the surface to say, "Yes, I understand, and agree, and wow, that was so profound." Is it not your ego? When we meet the teachings of the Buddha, or any teachings of truth, at the surface level, it's easy to cling to them, thinking that we understand and then feel good that we are even listening in the first place. Putting them into action, on the other hand, is much more difficult. We must let these teachings really get under our skin, and really penetrate all the layers of delusion that is stopping us from realizing them.

To show up, and to listen, and to understand, these are all helpful, but to become the embodiment of these things is another story. So how can we do this? Just as she reminds us, it's just a practice. It's not about being good at it or getting it right, it's just about trying over and over, with pure intentions, until someday, hopefully, our weaknesses become strengths and our inherent perfection shines through unobscured by the defilements of the mind.

It can seem like a daunting task, but she also reminds us not to concern ourselves with results. We aren't doing this so we can have more things to be proud about, "Look at me, look how patient I am now!" If we are, it isn't a wholesome motivation. Instead, we just need to keep working, and in that way, we don't get caught up in the desire of the ego to be something special, nor do we get overwhelmed with how much further we have to go, and end up quitting. We need to find the middle way between not beating ourselves up and also not lifting ourselves above others in self-righteousness, and the way to do that is to put others first, not because they are better, but because they simply outnumber our single self, according to Jetsunma.

The whole thing should be very humbling. Listening to these teachings come from someone who has, from what I can tell, embodied what she teaches, makes me feel like my efforts have been insignificant. I mean really, this woman has spent 12 years meditating in a cave with the Boddhisattva vow to save all beings before she saves herself! The great lengths that she has gone to put others first should rightfully make everyone else in the room feel self-centered and inspire them to really take a look inside.

We don't need to be ashamed about our own self-cherishing mind though, everyone has one. In the west, many of us were raised to believe that we are the most special person in the universe, and it's no wonder why now we scramble for position whenever a long line forms. Instead, we can just take a look, and let our work begin based on what we find. When we look within, we should be unbiased. "Don't just look at your faults, also see your virtues," she said. But this can go both ways I think, some people may only look at their virtues, and overlook their faults. And lastly, she added, "see what is motivating you." If your motivation lies in the realm of personal gain, satisfaction, or praise or recognition from others, it might be time to take a step back and find different intentions.

For me, the purity of intentions has been changing, and I think that it is a natural process. When we first start practicing, we might want more happiness, or less stress, and that seems a perfectly acceptable reason to start meditating. If you told someone that they shouldn't meditate unless they were only doing it for the benefit of others, who would really do it? Who would put in that many hours, when the place they are coming from is so self-centered? Some people are naturally selfless, and do everything for others, so maybe they would decide to start practicing under those conditions, but for the rest of us, who are already lazy as it is, we need to find more tangible reasons to start practicing at the beginning, and frankly, reasons that benefited us. Then, as the purification of our minds gets underway, we can find more and more wholesome reasons and less selfish reasons to practice.

If we've been practicing for a number of years, then it's probably time to start holding ourselves more accountable for our actions and our intentions. All the good excuses will be used up, and we need to really be willing to take a deeper look at where we are. For me, in the past two days, this has really come to light for me. "Why am I really practicing?" It's easy for me to see how the answer to this question has changed over the past 4 or 5 years, and it's important that I keep an eye on it. Sometimes, someone gets to a certain point in their practice, let's say a point where they are thinking clearly, and then they use their clarity to win friends and influence people. They might use it to start a new business and then be swept away by greed and desire, only working to build themselves up and accumulate more and more. Obviously, this is a divergence from the path.

In these past two days, It's almost been like I'm sitting cross-legged but with my metaphorical-tail between my legs, trying to allow the teachings to really sink and cause enough pain that I will take measures to treat the wounds. Am I really working for the benefit others or am I just looking for personal gain? Am I even a nicer person after all the hours I've spent meditating? If not, what was it all for? Am I just chasing achievements? As changes take place within me, is it helping me to treat others better or am I just becoming more of an asshole?

Sometimes, those questions aren't so easy to answer, and if we are too quick to assume that the answers are all favorable, we might be unwilling to see that it's just the ego claiming to be good at something. Just like the ego loves to be good at playing basketball or video games (I'm good at neither), it loves to be good at being spiritual too, but guess what, the ego often lies to us. Knowing that your ego might be lying to you, I encourage you to really let the teachings sink in deeper than the surface level, and make a fair assessment of how your progress on the spiritual path is affecting the way you treat others. If it's making you believe you are more and more special, just stop, and get back to the basics, because you aren't doing yourself any good, nor anyone else.

Sometimes, the truth hurts, but luckily for us, the Buddha prescribed a remedy for just such an occasion. We can always practice compassion for ourself. After all, we are just doing the best we can with what we have. It is only through causes and conditions, and our own ignorance, that the pure, radiant, inner-perfection of all beings is covered up with ugliness. It's all okay, there is nothing that is supposed to be happening. There is no one judging us except for us. Be a fair judge, be an accurate judge, but be a kind judge. Don't save yourself an honest assessment because you are scared to get yourself down. If you get down, good, that means the practice is working. Then, when you go to stand up, maybe you can stand up for the right reasons. Don't revel in your wholesome deeds either. If you are doing good deeds for the right reason, you won't care about recognition. You may notice a feeling of being proud of yourself, but just see it as a temporary feeling, and don't identify with it. And one more time, she reminded us that our daily lives and especially the obstacles in it, are path to awakening the wise and compassion heart with all of us.

Wow, this level of practice seems unobtainable. I think it's important to just listen to these teachings and use them as inspiration to be more careful with my intentions and actions. I can see right away that comparison to the ultimate model won't get me very far. I'd get too down on myself and end up giving up. Instead, I'll try to just compete with myself, and work towards the little changes, the slow and steady self-improvement. But at the same time, it's nice to have role models, who've walked this path, and purified their minds, such as the Dalai Lama, to inspire us. When we can look to leaders, and avoid getting frustrated by comparing ourselves with them, we can keep a balanced practice. It's finding the balance between exposing yourself to inspiration and trusting your inner-guidance. At some point, regardless of how many teachers to go to see or how many books you've read, you have to do the work. Don't forget that any progress made is a valuable thing, even if we have so far yet to go. Keep going!

May all beings be willing to take an honest look at themselves: their qualities, their faults, and their motivations.

May all beings really allow the truth to be felt at a very deep level, even if it means that it will hurt.

May all beings, through their own efforts, work toward purifying their minds of self-cherishing tendencies.