I think there is this misunderstanding out there that people think that to be a "spiritual person," they have to always be positive and happy-go-lucky about everything. The problem with this line of thinking is that it doesn't offer a healthy way to deal with the natural swing-of-life we find ourselves in, constantly moving between happiness and unhappiness. Sometimes, we are happy, and sometimes, we aren't. To try to always act happy is more-than-likely an attempt to cover up some unhappiness that is potentially deep-seated, and causing suffering.
I've come across many people on this trip, that on the surface, act like they are such spiritual people, and at-one with everything, but then they show their true colors by the way they end up snapping at someone, or treating others as inferiors. To me, this isn't just an indication that they aren't very developed in their practice, but more that they are trying to hide something about themselves. When I thought about what it could be, the answer hit me. They are operating under the false assumption that life is like a fantasy world, and that they shouldn't have to deal with any suffering. When we have this view, that we shouldn't have to suffer, we end up denying anything that might bring suffering upon us. It makes us unable to compromise with others and quick to react harshly to someone who is messing up our pretty little painting.
Don't paint a pretty little picture that will let you down when reality strikes.
Unfortunately, it's not a matter of if we are guilty of this, but rather just to the degree of which we hold on to these views. Don't worry, it's not really our fault, we have been conditioned to see ourselves as separate from others, we've been raised to believe we were something special. I want to let you in on a little secret.
You are no more or less special than anyone else.
One who treats others poorly as a way to avoid suffering believes they are more special than others. But we can also believe that we are less special than others, and this too, can make us unhappy. So we need to look at our unhappiness and try to see where it comes from. If we can understand where it comes from, and understand how it works, we can get to know the nature of our unhappiness. Once we know the nature, we can be freed from the suffering that it tends to cause us. The point isn't to get rid of the unhappiness, that is only a natural response to the changing and uncontrollable nature of reality. If we could control reality, and make it constant, we could theoretically make ourselves happy all the time, but some things are out of our control.
What is in our control is whether or not we do the work to free ourselves from the bondage of the mind's reactions to the unchanging and uncontrollable nature of reality. The work, that we need to do, is to remove our delusions. We think that life is always supposed to be peachy, and that we shouldn't have to suffer. These are our delusions. We also believe that we are either better or worse than other people, instead of seeing everyone has equals. These are our delusions.
If we understand that it is natural to move between happiness and unhappiness, and we can admit that sometimes, life does suck, we can make things much easier for ourselves. Instead of being taken for a ride by the mind's reactions to the changing conditions, we can take a step back from things enough to see that what is happening is not really who we are. By observing the changes, both internally and externally, we will find our peace from them. We will know the true nature of all things, what the Buddha called the 3 characteristics.
1. All things are impermanent.
2. All things are not in our control.
3. All things are not who or what we really are.
If we can accept these three characteristics, and remind ourselves of them when it comes understanding the nature of our unhappiness, we won't suffer.
We tend to identify with changing conditions, and this is a failure to understand the 3rd characterisic. Neither happiness nor unhappiness is a good representation of who or what we really are. If we identify with happiness when we are happy, we will suffer when it's gone, and it will go away, it always does. But this is what we tend to do, we tend to think, "I am happy again, finally! I'm back! This is who I really am. I act more like myself when I'm happy."
Then, when we lose that happiness, the unhappiness becomes unbearable because we fail to understand its nature. If you identiy with being happy, and lose your happiness, you will feel lost. What happened to you? Where did you go? Obviously, you haven't gone anywhere, but it can feel that way. In comparison to what we think we should be experiencing, we find the reality of our situation to be unfair. "What is wrong with me? Why don't I feel happy anymore?" If we think that life is always supposed to be fantastic, we will have a hard time accepting that at the moment, life sucks.
Can we be big enough to admit that sometimes, life sucks?
When it does, we don't need to take it personally. Just because life sometimes sucks, doesn't mean that it's always our fault. That's just the way things are. To understand the three characterisics of all things, the changing, uncontrollable, and impersonal aspects of all phenomenon, is to not be swept off our feet from feeling happiness or unhappiness.
During meditation retreats, I always have somewhat severe states of unhappiness, sometimes lasting just an hour or two, and sometimes continuing on for days. It's like that black cloud over your head, and it's not fun. It makes me feel embarassed, that I lost my smile, that life's got me down. Since I can't talk, the thoughts consume my time, eating away at my ability to remain centered and concentrate. And then something happens. It goes away, and is replaced by feeling happy. Sometimes, I see what is happening, and I don't identify.
"Oh, happiness is here again."
"Happiness is no longer with me."
When I am able to recognize what is happening, I don't suffer as much. If I fail to recognize, I suffer immensely. It's just a matter of whether or not I remember to practice. And that's all this is, it's just a practice. If we think it's something other than a practice, our ego will get involved. "Nah, I'm not one of those people," your ego will say. "There's nothing wrong with me."
But don't be fooled by the ego, it is only natural for us to fall into the traps of the mind on this one. Being able to recognize the three characteristics present in our unhappiness doesn't make us any more valuable that others. It's not something to feel proud about for being "good" at, nor is it something to be ashamed about not being "good" at. Just like unhappiness, it's not something to be taken personally.
With this attitude, we can ask ourselves if we are identifying with happiness, and thereby suffering when we lose it. If we can see that we are trying to paint a pretty picture, and are unable to accept that sometimes, life does such, can we also see how this is not serving us? It's okay to admit that not everything is so fantastic all the time. In fact, it can be quite liberating. You don't have to go on pretending anymore, if that's what you've been doing. We all want life to be great, and it is, but not because we are always happy. There is such an emphasis on being happy that we are delusional about it. But we need to see that life has a natural balance to it, and if we don't align ourselves with the changing nature of reality, we will lose our balance.
It's okay to feel whatever you may be feeling.
If you are feeling unhappy, try not to take it personally, there is nothing wrong with you.
If life's got you down, don't make it worse by thinking that it's your fault, or that you aren't worthy.
When we feel unhappy, it can be helpful to have someone we can talk to, preferably who understands the relationship between unhappiness and suffering.
If you are someone who can admit that life isn't always peachy, but you can put a positive spin on it, that is okay, as long as you don't pretend it's better than it is.
"Right now, I don't have any happiness, but that's okay, it will be back."
This is using wisdom to deal with unhappiness.
Use this mantra, said by the Buddha about the impermanent nature of things:
It's not me.
It's not mine.
It's not who I am.
I have used this on the last few retreats and it has really helped me to avoid the trap of identifying with my changing emotions. When I forget this practice of reminding myself, I really have a hard time. In fact, I'd say some of the lowest points of my life have been experienced while on a meditation retreat. Without any distractions, or vices for dealing with my discomfort, the risk of getting taken for a ride is real. This sort of fragile condition is why things become so apparent while on retreat. You might be able to see things much faster than in normal life because they are right in your face. Whatever is there can get really strong, and if you're not careful, it will make you weak. And that's just it, the worse I feel, the weaker I get, but does this have to be so?
Can I maintain my strength even in the face of feeling unwell?
Can I not forget that what I am feeling and what I am are two different things?
Can I not be scared to admit that sometimes, life does suck, and that to admit that, I am helping myself to deal with my unhappiness in healthy ways and avoid suffering.
So what are healthy ways of dealing with unhappiness? Mainly, just to keep reminding ourselves that what is happening, is really happening, and that it's okay. We don't need to run away from it, nor run to something to make ourselves feel better, by covering it up. Instead, we can be present for it, and patiently wait for it to pass. The more fully we are able to be present with it, the faster it will likely pass. Covering up our unhappiness just leads to a ticking time-bomb, and we end up treating others unfairly so as to not spoil our pretty picture. Go ahead, feel unhappy, it's OK. Be sad, be upset, take the time you need.
If you can vocalize this with others, you may find that they can relate to what you are going through, and either offer the space or the support you require. It's when you wait too long to admit that you are unhappy that you end up hurting others and then, it is harder for them to understand. If you can admit that you are unhappy, you are more likely to avoid hurting others, especially if you can share your feelings with those around you. There's nothing wrong with telling someone you just want to be alone for a little while.
May all beings realize that unhappiness is a natural feeling and that it doesn't really say anything about who or what they really are.
May all beings, having understood the three characteristics of all phenomenon, not allow themselves to be caught up in the games of denial or feeling unworthy.
May all beings retain their balance even in the midst of the inevitable changing nature of reality.
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