The Self-Cherishing Mind

*this post is the follow-up to "Sitting with wisdom."

Today, as I was sitting down for the afternoon teachings by Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo, I was feeling pretty good about my spot on the floor. Unlike yesterday, I had a clear shot at the speaker, and that was making me happy. Then, something happened. Something always happens. Someone put their stuff down in front of me, and that someone was taller than me, so immediately, I lost my happiness. "No, don't sit in front of me,  I won't be able to see!" And then something else happened, and this something else doesn't always happen, so I feel fortunate that it did. I noticed. I caught myself. And then I was able to sort of laugh at myself. "Why are you getting so tense about not having the most perfect situation when the focus of her teachings are 1. seeing obstacles as opportunities and 2. putting others before yourself?" It's funny, really, that I would go so far out of my way to sit through someone talking and then not really follow through with anything she is actually saying. It really is funny, but it's also OK, at least I caught it.

You should see all the people in this room bee-lining for the door when the talks are over, trying to cut in front of others so as to not get stuck in the long line of waiting to get downstairs and out the door. And I can't help but to think that so much of that is because we want to feel good about going out of our way to sit through these teachings, and we want to sit there and nod our heads and say to ourselves, "Yes, that is so true, I'm so glad I came here," but then we just go back to our lives like nothing happened. The problem is that we are not letting the teachings sink it. We are not letting them speak to us on a deeper level, we just want that good feeling, like we are doing something good just by showing up, and it's true, we are, but if we don't put these things into practice, what's even the point?

To me, hearing these profound teachings is a real low-blow to the ego, and it should be, it should hurt. If you are only nodding your head, agreeing with everything, maybe you can ask yourself, who is agreeing? Who is rising to the surface to say, "Yes, I understand, and agree, and wow, that was so profound." Is it not your ego? When we meet the teachings of the Buddha, or any teachings of truth, at the surface level, it's easy to cling to them, thinking that we understand and then feel good that we are even listening in the first place. Putting them into action, on the other hand, is much more difficult. We must let these teachings really get under our skin, and really penetrate all the layers of delusion that is stopping us from realizing them.

To show up, and to listen, and to understand, these are all helpful, but to become the embodiment of these things is another story. So how can we do this? Just as she reminds us, it's just a practice. It's not about being good at it or getting it right, it's just about trying over and over, with pure intentions, until someday, hopefully, our weaknesses become strengths and our inherent perfection shines through unobscured by the defilements of the mind.

It can seem like a daunting task, but she also reminds us not to concern ourselves with results. We aren't doing this so we can have more things to be proud about, "Look at me, look how patient I am now!" If we are, it isn't a wholesome motivation. Instead, we just need to keep working, and in that way, we don't get caught up in the desire of the ego to be something special, nor do we get overwhelmed with how much further we have to go, and end up quitting. We need to find the middle way between not beating ourselves up and also not lifting ourselves above others in self-righteousness, and the way to do that is to put others first, not because they are better, but because they simply outnumber our single self, according to Jetsunma.

The whole thing should be very humbling. Listening to these teachings come from someone who has, from what I can tell, embodied what she teaches, makes me feel like my efforts have been insignificant. I mean really, this woman has spent 12 years meditating in a cave with the Boddhisattva vow to save all beings before she saves herself! The great lengths that she has gone to put others first should rightfully make everyone else in the room feel self-centered and inspire them to really take a look inside.

We don't need to be ashamed about our own self-cherishing mind though, everyone has one. In the west, many of us were raised to believe that we are the most special person in the universe, and it's no wonder why now we scramble for position whenever a long line forms. Instead, we can just take a look, and let our work begin based on what we find. When we look within, we should be unbiased. "Don't just look at your faults, also see your virtues," she said. But this can go both ways I think, some people may only look at their virtues, and overlook their faults. And lastly, she added, "see what is motivating you." If your motivation lies in the realm of personal gain, satisfaction, or praise or recognition from others, it might be time to take a step back and find different intentions.

For me, the purity of intentions has been changing, and I think that it is a natural process. When we first start practicing, we might want more happiness, or less stress, and that seems a perfectly acceptable reason to start meditating. If you told someone that they shouldn't meditate unless they were only doing it for the benefit of others, who would really do it? Who would put in that many hours, when the place they are coming from is so self-centered? Some people are naturally selfless, and do everything for others, so maybe they would decide to start practicing under those conditions, but for the rest of us, who are already lazy as it is, we need to find more tangible reasons to start practicing at the beginning, and frankly, reasons that benefited us. Then, as the purification of our minds gets underway, we can find more and more wholesome reasons and less selfish reasons to practice.

If we've been practicing for a number of years, then it's probably time to start holding ourselves more accountable for our actions and our intentions. All the good excuses will be used up, and we need to really be willing to take a deeper look at where we are. For me, in the past two days, this has really come to light for me. "Why am I really practicing?" It's easy for me to see how the answer to this question has changed over the past 4 or 5 years, and it's important that I keep an eye on it. Sometimes, someone gets to a certain point in their practice, let's say a point where they are thinking clearly, and then they use their clarity to win friends and influence people. They might use it to start a new business and then be swept away by greed and desire, only working to build themselves up and accumulate more and more. Obviously, this is a divergence from the path.

In these past two days, It's almost been like I'm sitting cross-legged but with my metaphorical-tail between my legs, trying to allow the teachings to really sink and cause enough pain that I will take measures to treat the wounds. Am I really working for the benefit others or am I just looking for personal gain? Am I even a nicer person after all the hours I've spent meditating? If not, what was it all for? Am I just chasing achievements? As changes take place within me, is it helping me to treat others better or am I just becoming more of an asshole?

Sometimes, those questions aren't so easy to answer, and if we are too quick to assume that the answers are all favorable, we might be unwilling to see that it's just the ego claiming to be good at something. Just like the ego loves to be good at playing basketball or video games (I'm good at neither), it loves to be good at being spiritual too, but guess what, the ego often lies to us. Knowing that your ego might be lying to you, I encourage you to really let the teachings sink in deeper than the surface level, and make a fair assessment of how your progress on the spiritual path is affecting the way you treat others. If it's making you believe you are more and more special, just stop, and get back to the basics, because you aren't doing yourself any good, nor anyone else.

Sometimes, the truth hurts, but luckily for us, the Buddha prescribed a remedy for just such an occasion. We can always practice compassion for ourself. After all, we are just doing the best we can with what we have. It is only through causes and conditions, and our own ignorance, that the pure, radiant, inner-perfection of all beings is covered up with ugliness. It's all okay, there is nothing that is supposed to be happening. There is no one judging us except for us. Be a fair judge, be an accurate judge, but be a kind judge. Don't save yourself an honest assessment because you are scared to get yourself down. If you get down, good, that means the practice is working. Then, when you go to stand up, maybe you can stand up for the right reasons. Don't revel in your wholesome deeds either. If you are doing good deeds for the right reason, you won't care about recognition. You may notice a feeling of being proud of yourself, but just see it as a temporary feeling, and don't identify with it. And one more time, she reminded us that our daily lives and especially the obstacles in it, are path to awakening the wise and compassion heart with all of us.

Wow, this level of practice seems unobtainable. I think it's important to just listen to these teachings and use them as inspiration to be more careful with my intentions and actions. I can see right away that comparison to the ultimate model won't get me very far. I'd get too down on myself and end up giving up. Instead, I'll try to just compete with myself, and work towards the little changes, the slow and steady self-improvement. But at the same time, it's nice to have role models, who've walked this path, and purified their minds, such as the Dalai Lama, to inspire us. When we can look to leaders, and avoid getting frustrated by comparing ourselves with them, we can keep a balanced practice. It's finding the balance between exposing yourself to inspiration and trusting your inner-guidance. At some point, regardless of how many teachers to go to see or how many books you've read, you have to do the work. Don't forget that any progress made is a valuable thing, even if we have so far yet to go. Keep going!

May all beings be willing to take an honest look at themselves: their qualities, their faults, and their motivations.

May all beings really allow the truth to be felt at a very deep level, even if it means that it will hurt.

May all beings, through their own efforts, work toward purifying their minds of self-cherishing tendencies.

Sitting with wisdom

Today, I had the good fortune of listening to a truly inspiring Buddhist teacher here at Deer Park Institute, a Tibetan Monastery in Bir, way up in the mountains of northern India. The teacher, Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo, spent 12 years in seclusion, meditating in a Himalayan cave, and now has devoted her life to helping others, as a nun.

Her talk today, and for this 3-day non-residential retreat I find myself on, is based on the practice of Lojong. I don't really know much about Tibetan Buddhism, so I'm just trying to follow along. She said some really amazing things that served as great reminders to me, and once again, I got that feeling that I'm exactly where I need to be, and hearing exactly what I need to hear, at this point in my life. She mainly spoke of the importance of bringing the practice of awakening into our daily lives. We can have all sorts of wonderful experiences while on meditation retreats, and profound insights, but if it doesn't make us nicer people when we get home, we've accomplished nothing.

It's too easy for the ego to take credit for any presumed progress along the path, and when it does, it furthers the gap between the one who has made so much progress and all the others who aren't as far along. When this happens, the practice isn't working, but it tends to happen all too often, and we need to be careful that it isn't happening in us as well.

"Why do you want to be the master of your mind?" she asked us.

If we don't have wholesome intentions behind our actions, any actions, they aren't serving us. First, we need to cultivate wholesome intentions. If we want to do good for ourselves and leave all others behind to fend for themselves, we will never get anywhere. "If the mind has distortions, everything we do will be distorted," she offered. Sometimes, we might not know how to deal with a distorted mind, and we need to see that it is due to our past karma. Instead of brooding over it, we can just work to plant wholesome deeds for a better future. By doing good deeds now, we can purify the mind and tip the scales in our favor. To do this, we need to have a sense of urgency about wanting to wake up. This urgency shows up as effort, and it is this effort that will allow us to cultivate a wholesome mind and be freed from the suffering of a mind that reacts to the changing conditions of life.

As she reminded us, it doesn't matter what happens to us in life, it only matters what we are doing with what happens. Are we reacting or responding? If we aren't responding skillfully to the rollercoaster of life, chances are, we are caught up in our reactivity and we are suffering. It's not that the awakened mind doesn't feel anything, and is indifferent to the highs and lows, but rather, that the awakened mind isn't swept away by these changing conditions. It still has feelings, it still has empathy, but it doesn't identify with these feelings, with this empathy. By identifying, by making it personal, we've crippled our ability to act skillfully. If our afflictive emotions get in the way of our ability to think clearly, how are we supposed to avoid reacting?

Her invitation is to really bring the practice into our daily lives, into the workplace with our boss and colleagues, into the homes with our families, and into the world as a whole with all beings. It is only through ignorance that we think that obstacles along the way aren't helping us. We all have been raised to believe that life is all about being happy and having pleasant experiences, but the Dhamma teaches us that obstacles can be opportunities for practice. Instead of getting upset or angry with someone for making our lives miserable, we can actually turn that around by thanking them for allowing us a wonderful opportunity to deal with our own problems caused by the self-cherishing mind. What a wonderful practice this is!

"Thank you for being obnoxious."

"Thank you for unloading your problems on me."

"Thank you for stealing from me."

"Thank you for going behind my back."

Like this, we can see that we always have something to work with, and we don't need to look beyond our own life circumstances to find it. Can we be grateful for hardships? Can we see that the more difficult things are, the more we are learning and growing?

"If we didn't have our self-cherishing mind, we wouldn't have any obstacles." Tenzin Palmo

Tibetan Buddhism is also well-known for its practice of Tonglen, which is a way of inviting in the suffering of others, and replacing it with our own good-fortune. Instead of celebrating our good-fortune, and being thankful that our situation isn't so bad as others, we actually volunteer to trade places with them. By breathing in all of their pain, anguish, and misfortunes, they transform it into pure, white or golden shining light, and breathe it back into the recipient. "I will accept your suffering!" you can say.

It really touches my heart to sit near such a profound and deeply realized being such as Jetsunma and hear from the depth of her experience what it means to be a spiritual person. She is funny, she is light-hearted, but there is something very serious about her, and that is her capacity to take on the suffering of others. These practices offer us an insight into what it really means to be a spiritual person. It's not all about chasing rainbows and riding on unicorns. It's not about pretending to be happy all the time. It's not about not having to do anything because we are perfect already. It's about some serious work, that most would think an absurd notion to undergo.

But, she won't let us forget about that which is unconditioned, either. "If there was no unconditioned, it would be impossible to escape the conditioned," said the Buddha. That pure awareness is who and what we are, but there is no "I" in it, so it's not something to grasp. Eventually, as she said, it becomes our automated response, but until then, we have to keep working to chip away at all the layers of imperfection that cover it up. "It takes a lot of effort to become effortless," she offered, which really clarifies these misconceived theories about not having to practice anything because we are perfect already.

In any case, we can use any hardships and misfortunes as a way to check-in with our own practice. If we find that we are truly grateful for the opportunity to practice, and that we are willing to take on these hardships and take on the the suffering of others, maybe we no longer need to put  forth effort. Until that day comes, there is lots of work to do.

May all beings find the strength and courage to accept obstacles and blessings and be grateful for the opportunity to practice the Dhamma.

May all beings see that their spiritual lives and their daily lives are one.

May all beings see the suffering of others as their own, and use it to relieve suffering in their own hearts and in others.



To find out more about Deer Park Institute, which is a center for the study of classical Indian wisdom traditions, hosts retreats and programs throughout the year, and runs various socially-engaged Buddhist projects , please visit: www.deerpark.in


To learn more about Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo, who is the founder and abbess of a Tibetan Buddhist Nunnery in India, please visit www.tenzinpalmo.com

Sometimes life does suck; dealing with unhappiness

I think there is this misunderstanding out there that people think that to be a "spiritual person," they have to always be positive and happy-go-lucky about everything. The problem with this line of thinking is that it doesn't offer a healthy way to deal with the natural swing-of-life we find ourselves in, constantly moving between happiness and unhappiness. Sometimes, we are happy, and sometimes, we aren't. To try to always act happy is more-than-likely an attempt to cover up some unhappiness that is potentially deep-seated, and causing suffering.

I've come across many people on this trip, that on the surface, act like they are such spiritual people, and at-one with everything, but then they show their true colors by the way they end up snapping at someone, or treating others as inferiors. To me, this isn't just an indication that they aren't very developed in their practice, but more that they are trying to hide something about themselves. When I thought about what it could be, the answer hit me. They are operating under the false assumption that life is like a fantasy world, and that they shouldn't have to deal with any suffering. When we have this view, that we shouldn't have to suffer, we end up denying anything that might bring suffering upon us. It makes us unable to compromise with others and quick to react harshly to someone who is messing up our pretty little painting.

Don't paint a pretty little picture that will let you down when reality strikes.

Unfortunately, it's not a matter of if we are guilty of this, but rather just to the degree of which we hold on to these views. Don't worry, it's not really our fault, we have been conditioned to see ourselves as separate from others, we've been raised to believe we were something special. I want to let you in on a little secret.

You are no more or less special than anyone else. 

One who treats others poorly as a way to avoid suffering believes they are more special than others. But we can also believe that we are less special than others, and this too, can make us unhappy. So we need to look at our unhappiness and try to see where it comes from. If we can understand where it comes from, and understand how it works, we can get to know the nature of our unhappiness. Once we know the nature, we can be freed from the suffering that it tends to cause us. The point isn't to get rid of the unhappiness, that is only a natural response to the changing and uncontrollable nature of reality. If we could control reality, and make it constant, we could theoretically make ourselves happy all the time, but some things are out of our control.

What is in our control is whether or not we do the work to free ourselves from the bondage of the mind's reactions to the unchanging and uncontrollable nature of reality. The work, that we need to do, is to remove our delusions. We think that life is always supposed to be peachy, and that we shouldn't have to suffer. These are our delusions. We also believe that we are either better or worse than other people, instead of seeing everyone has equals. These are our delusions.

If we understand that it is natural to move between happiness and unhappiness, and we can admit that sometimes, life does suck, we can make things much easier for ourselves. Instead of being taken for a ride by the mind's reactions to the changing conditions, we can take a step back from things enough to see that what is happening is not really who we are. By observing the changes, both internally and externally, we will find our peace from them. We will know the true nature of all things, what the Buddha called the 3 characteristics.

 1. All things are impermanent.
 2. All things are not in our control.
 3. All things are not who or what we really are.

If we can accept these three characteristics, and remind ourselves of them when it comes understanding the nature of our unhappiness, we won't suffer.
We tend to identify with changing conditions, and this is a failure to understand the 3rd characterisic. Neither happiness nor unhappiness is a good representation of who or what we really are. If we identify with happiness when we are happy, we will suffer when it's gone, and it will go away, it always does. But this is what we tend to do, we tend to think, "I am happy again, finally! I'm back! This is who I really am. I act more like myself when I'm happy."

Then, when we lose that happiness, the unhappiness becomes unbearable because we fail to understand its nature. If you identiy with being happy, and lose your happiness, you will feel lost. What happened to you? Where did you go? Obviously, you haven't gone anywhere, but it can feel that way. In comparison to what we think we should be experiencing, we find the reality of our situation to be unfair. "What is wrong with me? Why don't I feel happy anymore?" If we think that life is always supposed to be fantastic, we will have a hard time accepting that at the moment, life sucks.

Can we be big enough to admit that sometimes, life sucks?

When it does, we don't need to take it personally. Just because life sometimes sucks, doesn't mean that it's always our fault. That's just the way things are. To understand the three characterisics of all things, the changing, uncontrollable, and impersonal aspects of all phenomenon, is to not be swept off our feet from feeling happiness or unhappiness.


During meditation retreats, I always have somewhat severe states of unhappiness, sometimes lasting just an hour or two, and sometimes continuing on for days. It's like that black cloud over your head, and it's not fun. It makes me feel embarassed, that I lost my smile, that life's got me down. Since I can't talk, the thoughts consume my time, eating away at my ability to remain centered and concentrate. And then something happens. It goes away, and is replaced by feeling happy. Sometimes, I see what is happening, and I don't identify.

"Oh, happiness is here again."

"Happiness is no longer with me."

When I am able to recognize what is happening, I don't suffer as much. If I fail to recognize, I suffer immensely. It's just a matter of whether or not I remember to practice. And that's all this is, it's just a practice. If we think it's something other than a practice, our ego will get involved. "Nah, I'm not one of those people," your ego will say. "There's nothing wrong with me."

But don't be fooled by the ego, it is only natural for us to fall into the traps of the mind on this one. Being able to recognize the three characteristics present in our unhappiness doesn't make us any more valuable that others. It's not something to feel proud about for being "good" at, nor is it something to be ashamed about not being "good" at. Just like unhappiness, it's not something to be taken personally.

With this attitude, we can ask ourselves if we are identifying with happiness, and thereby suffering when we lose it. If we can see that we are trying to paint a pretty picture, and are unable to accept that sometimes, life does such, can we also see how this is not serving us? It's okay to admit that not everything is so fantastic all the time. In fact, it can be quite liberating. You don't have to go on pretending anymore, if that's what you've been doing. We all want life to be great, and it is, but not because we are always happy. There is such an emphasis on being happy that we are delusional about it. But we need to see that life has a natural balance to it, and if we don't align ourselves with the changing nature of reality, we will lose our balance.

It's okay to feel whatever you may be feeling.
If you are feeling unhappy, try not to take it personally, there is nothing wrong with you.
If life's got you down, don't make it worse by thinking that it's your fault, or that you aren't worthy.
When we feel unhappy, it can be helpful to have someone we can talk to, preferably who understands the relationship between unhappiness and suffering.

If you are someone who can admit that life isn't always peachy, but you can put a positive spin on it, that is okay, as long as you don't pretend it's better than it is.

"Right now, I don't have any happiness, but that's okay, it will be back."

This is using wisdom to deal with unhappiness.

Use this mantra, said by the Buddha about the impermanent nature of things:

It's not me.
It's not mine.
It's not who I am.

I have used this on the last few retreats and it has really helped me to avoid the trap of identifying with my changing emotions. When I forget this practice of reminding myself, I really have a hard time. In fact, I'd say some of the lowest points of my life have been experienced while on a meditation retreat. Without any distractions, or vices for dealing with my discomfort, the risk of getting taken for a ride is real. This sort of fragile condition is why things become so apparent while on retreat. You might be able to see things much faster than in normal life because they are right in your face. Whatever is there can get really strong, and if you're not careful, it will make you weak. And that's just it, the worse I feel, the weaker I get, but does this have to be so?

Can I maintain my strength even in the face of feeling unwell?
Can I not forget that what I am feeling and what I am are two different things?
Can I not be scared to admit that sometimes, life does suck, and that to admit that, I am helping myself to deal with my unhappiness in healthy ways and avoid suffering.

So what are healthy ways of dealing with unhappiness? Mainly, just to keep reminding ourselves that what is happening, is really happening, and that it's okay. We don't need to run away from it, nor run to something to make ourselves feel better, by covering it up. Instead, we can be present for it, and patiently wait for it to pass. The more fully we are able to be present with it, the faster it will likely pass. Covering up our unhappiness just leads to a ticking time-bomb, and we end up treating others unfairly so as to not spoil our pretty picture. Go ahead, feel unhappy, it's OK. Be sad, be upset, take the time you need.

If you can vocalize this with others, you may find that they can relate to what you are going through, and either offer the space or the support you require. It's when you wait too long to admit that you are unhappy that you end up hurting others and then, it is harder for them to understand. If you can admit that you are unhappy, you are more likely to avoid hurting others, especially if you can share your feelings with those around you. There's nothing wrong with telling someone you just want to be alone for a little while.

May all beings realize that unhappiness is a natural feeling and that it doesn't really say anything about who or what they really are.

May all beings, having understood the three characteristics of all phenomenon, not allow themselves to be caught up in the games of denial or feeling unworthy.

May all beings retain their balance even in the midst of the inevitable changing nature of reality.

Before Your Eyes, a poem

I've traveled great lengths to find you.
Alas, here you are, before my eyes.
Far more beautiful than I ever imagined.

I've wanted to so deeply to hold you.
I yearn to see your face.
I've tried and tried, you slip away.

Are you sure we've not met before?
Your form was different then, for sure.
Or have my eyes changed that much?

How long will you stay this time?
I have so much to ask.
OK, OK, I'll just be glad you're here.

With so much left to question,
and so many things unclear,
I'll trust your answers will come with time.

Before you go, I'll have you know,
now I know where to find you,
and we'll never be apart again.

You live deep within me.
I'm an expression of who you are.
Alas, here I am, before your eyes

February 18th, 2013
Day 8/10
Vipassana Meditation Retreat
w/ Christopher Titmuss
Bodh Gaya, Bihar, India.

My initiation into Kriya Yoga

After I was asked to leave Parmath Niketan Ashram, I decided to move over to the big white dome-shaped ashram on the top of the hill, called the Kriya Yoga Ashram. I had dropped in the day before, attracted to its prominent stature in town and my pre-existing interest in Kriya Yoga. It had that sort of feeling to it, not necessarily a welcoming one, but one of a serious nature that you don't just drop into. Unlike Parmath, that has open gates during the daytime and is somewhat of a tourist attraction, I immediately sensed that the Kriya Yoga Ashram was not an attraction, but a serious place of practice.

One thing that gives off that vibe is that Kriya Yoga is protected. It is not offered freely to anyone who comes by. Ever since I read Autobiography of a Yogi, by Paramahansa Yogananda, about a year ago, I became fascinated with the practice that the book really explains almost nothing about. Rather, it tells of the many stories of Yogananda, how he came to start practicing Kriya, and what kind of supernatural powers his masters were known for having. I would say most of the foreigners who end up at this ashram also come because they have read Autobiography of a Yogi, and want to know more.

I'm not really interested in developing supernatural powers, but my curiousity has been leading me to explore various paths and techniques for as long as I have been interested in spirituality. It's a good thing, really, to have this sort of curiosity, but it can be potentially dangerous unless you have a sort of  "spiritual sales resistance." Mine is strong, as I am quite skeptical of things of this matter in general and hesitant to buy-into anything. Also, I already have a practice, so I'm not shopping around for a new car, I'm just test driving them for the hell of it. I remember the first couple years of practicing Buddhist meditation, I'd always ask any teacher I came across about mixing different practices and traditions. Most told me don't do it, just find one and stick to it. But how do you know if you have found the right one?

Surely it is my skepticism and doubt in the beliefs of my homeland that has led me to be looking at eastern traditions in the first place, so does it really make sense to drop one thing and then just pick up the next, just like that? I don't think so, but those teachers did make a good point. If you just do a little of this and a little of that, you are only skimming off the top and you never allow yourself to go deep by fully committing yourself to one practice.  Now, some years later, I don't ask that question anymore, because I've already found my answer. I have my practice, which most of you know is vipassana meditation, and it comes from the Therevada Buddhist tradition of SE Asia. Additionally, I enjoy various forms of yoga, including Bhakti (devotional), Asana (physical postures), and Pranayama (breathing exercises). Not only that, but I'm open to try just about anything.

It is with this attitude that I came to be initiated into Kriya Yoga, which I have been practicing for the past few days now. When I first showed up with my bag, the guy look at me and reluctantly agreed to let me stay. "How long do you want to stay?" he asked. "I'm not sure, maybe 4 or 5 days," I said. "You can stay for no more than 2 nights," he replied. That ended up being a confirmation of that feeling I got, that this isn't just a place for anyone to come to. So I stayed for a couple days and liked the energy of the place quite a bit, even though I wasn't really participating in the morning and evening ceremonies that I later learned were compulsory. I wasn't quite ready to leave Rishikesh yet, and didn't want to relocate a third time, so I asked him if I could extend my stay a bit. "You want to stay longer?" he asked. "Yeah, it's very nice here, I don't want to leave yet." He sort of contemplated for a second, asked me what room I was in, and then said, "Okay, you can stay, but if we need your room, I'll let you know at least 2 days in advance."

The guy has ended up being probably the nicest Indian I've met on my entire trip so far, and I really wouldn't have ended up staying here if it wasn't for his kindness. It's interesting how I went from only having permission to stay for 2 days to being given an open-ended extension with the idea that I'd be given a 2-day notice to vacate. I tend to believe I was in a probation period those first two days, to see if they wanted to keep me around.

When I asked them if I could learn about Kriya here, he pointed me to a small flyer on the front door about the upcoming retreat with Per Wibe, a western teacher. I skimmed the details, but immediately dismissed it as a possibility. I wanted to stay focused with preparing for my upcoming yoga teacher training program and besides, it was a bit too expensive. But then something happened. While I was meditating in the main hall, during one of the evening ceremonies that I finally decided to join, I felt the energy of the place in a different way, and got a real sense of respect and admiration for the secretive and protected tradition, as well as all the masters that have handed it down throughout history. When I thought about it, I realized how many things had to go right for me to end up in the position I was in. I had to get kicked out of Parmath, I had to stumble into this ashram and then be reluctantly allowed to stay. Then, instead of leaving as instructed, I had to ask for permission to stay longer, the permission had to be granted, and then on top of all of that, there just happened to be an 8-day retreat starting during my stay.

I was already signed up for a 3-day retreat at a Tibetan Buddhist monastery at the end of the month, so I wouldn't be able to do the full 8 days, but the Kriya retreat happened to allow the option to participate in only the first 4 days. Out of all the hundreds of thousands of people around the world who have read and been intrigued by Autobiography of a Yogi, how many of them have the opportunity to be initiated just fall into their lap? At that moment, while meditating, I realized I had to do it, and that it was crazy to think that I was almost about to let it slip through my fingers.

Today, being day 4, I'm just kind of finishing up and getting ready to head north to the Tibetan monastery, and looking back on this experience, I feel I made the right decision. But again, it was actually the main guy who works here that proved to be the deciding factor, because when I failed to find flowers in time for the initiation ceremony, I had given up, and resorted to looking at exit travel plans online in the lobby. When he walked by, he stopped, and asked why I wasn't getting initiated. "I don't know, I got lost in town and couldn't find the flower shop, and then just got stressed out about it and came back." He could obviously sense my disappointment. His eyes got big, and he eagerly insisted I follow him outside, where he proceeded to run around barefoot, plucking the 5 different types of flowers needed for the ceremony from the garden, and handed them to me. Actually, he had plucked 6. Then, he escorted me into the meditation hall and collected some cushions for me to sit on. I was pretty embarrassed, basically arriving 30 minutes late at this point, and would have never had the nerve to do it if it hadn't been for him. "It's okay, it's okay, you should initiate, it's good luck for you," he insisted with a genuine smile.

And just like that, I came to learn the technique as taught by Mahavatar Babaji, who taught it to Lahiri Mahasaya, who then taught it to Sri Yukteswar Giri, who in turn taught it to Paramahansa Yogananda and Swami Narayana Giri, who in turn taught it to Swami Shankarananda Giri, who in turn taught it to Per H. Wibe, who in turn taught it to me.

I must say, I've never quite felt anything quite like the power and energetic forces of this technique. I can't tell you what the technique is, but I can say it deals with using the breath to move energy through the body with the powers of attention and observation, breath retention, compression, stretching, and the chakras. Although I'd say it takes me to a plane of consciousness I've never been to before, it doesn't compare, for me, to the step-by-step progression that is paved with wisdom in the Buddha's path to liberation. In Kriya, I get a really good "high" from it, but after 10 or 15 minutes, it wears off, and to get it back, I need to do Kriya again. I'm sure there are some wonderful things at work here, with this technique, such as cleansing of the body and purification of the mind, but it's all a bit of a mystery. You don't quite understand how you get to that plane of consciousness, so in that way, you don't know how to get back there when it goes away. On the contrary, with the Buddhist practice of insight meditation, you are fully aware of each step of the way, and at any point, you can easily turn around and understand how you got to where you are. Not only that, but you can also share that insight with others, both because of the clarity of the wisdom and the lack of secrecy in the tradition.

So I've test driven another car, had a wild ride, and am looking forward to getting back to the basics of Buddhism (although Tibetan Buddhism isn't so basic). All this esoteric type stuff sure is interesting, and exciting, but it's just not quite right for me. I think the more I experience, the more open-minded I become, and the more I can accept the validity of different paths, even without completely buying into them. Instead of seeing my path as being the only path, I can see that it might just be the right path for me, but not for someone else. Although we are all, in-essence, one, it's important to understand and celebrate our diversity. If everyone in the world was a Buddhist, it would be boring, and it just wouldn't make sense. Ancient traditions need to be preserved, and thereby by accessible to future generations, that might just find them as being the perfect path for them. Maybe someday, my kids will read Autobiography of a Yogi, be initiated in Kriya, and become full-fledged Kriyabans. If that day comes, I won't be disappointed.

May all beings be open and receptive to signs that might lead them to new opportunities.

May all beings be willing to accept and celebrate the diversity of humanity.

May all beings come to know themselves through their own efforts.


To learn more about Kriya Yoga, Per Wibe, and the beautiful ashram here in Rishikesh, please visit:

http://www.kriyabanservice.com

To learn more about Paramahansa Yogananda, the author of Autobiography of a Yogi, who brought Kriya Yoga to the United States in the early 1900's and started the Self-Realization Fellowship, which has its international headquarters in Los Angeles and over 500 centers worldwide, visit:

http://www.yogananda-srf.org

Gratitude in the first 5 minutes

Sometimes, I wonder why I experience so much unhappiness on meditation retreats, but then I remember, it's because all of the usual things I depend on for happiness are stripped away. All that's left, is long days with my oldest and most annoying friend, my mind. On many retreats, we are asked to keep silence, not to read or write, avoid listening to music or watching some sort of media, refrain from using the internet, overeating, or playing any sort of games. Basically, there is nothing to do except practice.

Often, in these situations, I notice that my attitude is poor. Whenever I am identifying with my mind, my attitude is negative, judgmental, and doesn't want to be there. In my last post, I talked about generosity as a way to invite happiness into our lives, but that usually requires some sort of human contact. Of course, you could practice generosity without human contact by doing things like planting trees, picking up trash, or doing something nice to animals, but on retreat, those aren't really options. In this article, I want to share with you what has become my secret weapon to keep a positive attitude and a balanced mind.

Upon waking, if we can remember to connect with gratitude in the first 5 minutes, we are building a solid foundation for which to keep us afloat throughout the rest of the day. When we practice, we keep things day by day, just so the whole thing doesn't become too overwhelming. One day, on retreat, can seem like a week, so if you are on a 10, or 20 day retreat, the thought of enduring can sometimes be too much, so it's best to keep it simple. In fact, taking things one step, or one breath at a time, works even better, but for the sake of gratitude, we can practice day by day.

As I said, this is really something to remember. Yes, we might need to cultivate gratitude before we can remember it, but these two can happen at the same time. If you feel that you have nothing to be grateful for, you might just need to dig a little deeper. In India, it's not uncommon to see beggars with grotesque deformities, often missing parts of their limbs, sometimes with the bone sticking out of the flesh due to lack of proper medical care. We've all heard the stories that some of these people may have been blinded or amputated by their parents or beggar-pimps to bring in more revenue. It's really a horrific reality, and many of them are in a living hell realm.

To back off from an extreme example, many other families are living in dark little huts that are probably about the size of the average bathroom in the United States, but maybe only 5 feet tall. They have no running water or electricity, and I don't even care to know what they do for a toilet. On the 10 day retreat I did at the Thai monastery in Bodhgaya last month, when I faced my aversion of cleaning toilets, which happened to be brand new, western style toilets, I also used this technique of gratitude. "Never again will I take having a decent toilet for granted." If you have a toilet that flushes, and that you can sit on, you have something to be grateful. If you can stand up in your home, you have something to be grateful for. If you don't have a home, are living on the street, but have all your limbs and your vision, you have something to be grateful for.

Just like this, we can start from the ground up, and find things to be grateful for, even in the worst of times. Okay, okay, so I know a silent meditation retreat isn't really "the worst of times," but it does allow one to understand the mind and realize that gratitude really can work in any situation. I'm sure what keeps some of these limbless beggars going is finding gratitude for a warm blanket at night, or drinking a hot chai in the morning. The old saying, "count your blessings," comes to mind. If you think you don't have any, you might actually find you have too many to count.

What this does, remembering to be grateful upon waking up, is give us something to fall back on throughout the day. What we do with our time in the first few minutes upon waking really sets the stage for the rest of the day. We can't always control the state of our mind when we wake up. It is dependent on the state of the mind upon falling asleep, and then whatever was experienced in the dream world. For me, this morning, my alarm was a real surprise. Lately, I've been waking up early, but usually, I get up before my alarm, and then drift in and out of sleep until it goes off. It makes for a nice transition from sleeping to waking. But this morning, for whatever reason, I was still dreaming when my alarm went off at 5:20, and the transition was somewhat shocking. Not only that, but the dream was a bit of a nightmare and I carried sort of a dark cloud around my mind when I pulled myself out of bed.

And then, I remembered. It was an insight I had at that retreat last month, that if I can practice gratitude within the first 5 minutes upon waking, it really paves the way for the rest of my day. Luckily, this morning, and many mornings lately, I have had the good fortune to remember this, and I watched the dark cloud over my head dissipate, and smiled. If there really is a negative attitude looming there, you probably won't defeat it just by remembering to be grateful once. It will be back, but if you know this, you can be ready for it, and keep coming back to the practice of gratitude.

Even if you feel like you are lying to yourself, just try it. This is not like generosity, where it has to have the wholesome intention of being for the benefit of others. This is really just for you, this is a way to trick your mind into happiness, and it works. Of course, if you are happier, you will treat others better also, so if you think you're being selfish, don't worry, you'll end up benefiting others by making yourself happier.

Another thing that works really well, that I used to do when I first learned about this practice, is to write down 3 things, everyday, that you are grateful for. You might find that once you get the ball rolling, choosing only 3 might be hard. Feel free to write down as many as you want, or if you do only 3, try to come up with different ones everyday. Whether you write down the things you are grateful, or if you just bring them to mind, doing it when you first wake up will allow you to snap out of any negativity that you might be carrying from the night before, and will give you a strong support network to resort to whenever it returns throughout the course of the day.

If you depend on something in the morning to snap out of the darkness, like coffee, a cigarette, food, or a hot shower, trying replacing that with the much cheaper, more eco-friendly crutch of gratitude. Instead of saying to someone, "Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee," you can say, "just give me a minute to be alone, and contemplate all the wonderful things I have to be grateful for." That way, you never have to depend on something outside of yourself for your own well-being.

May all beings realize that just by being born into this world, and having a chance to take part in the magic of life, they have something to be grateful for.

May all beings cultivate a sense of gratitude for what they have, focusing on the positive aspects of their lives to increase their own happiness.

May all beings, after using gratitude to increase their own happiness, in turn treat others with kindness, and express their gratitude for their loved ones.

Religion is a practice, not just a belief system

It seems that many people in the west stopped believing in Christianity, so they threw it out the window, and dropped all sense of a moral foundation along with it. As much as I think the cultural revolution of the 60's was a good thing, it also created a lot of confusion, a lot of lost souls. I think it's good to question things, like religious dogma, cultural norms, and societal expectations, but it's not helpful when, through questioning, there is only abandonment. The true purpose of the hippie movement was not to be free from such things, but to free the mind, to cultivate respect for all forms of life, and to live peacefully and in harmony with nature and all of the world. If you thought it was just about chasing after your desires, at the expense of others, you've got it all wrong.

I want to say that it doesn't matter what you believe. The only things that matter are what you do, how you do it, and possibly most importantly, why you do it. You can believe in God, you can believe in an afterlife, or not have any "religious" beliefs, and it really won't make a difference. What will make a difference, is what you do with your time here on earth, in this very life. If you waste it, you'll never get it back. If you use your time, energy, and resources to bring about positive changes, you will be rewarded both internally and externally. What you do has a direct influence on what happens to you. This is the law of Kamma (karma in sanskrit).

Kamma means action, so it is nothing more than cause and effect. Although in Buddhism and Hinduism, Kamma is believed to continue on, in some form or another, after this life, none of that should have any effect on what you do today. What matters is that you will, no matter what, have to face your Kamma in this life. In other words, you will pay the consequences for your actions. You will reap what you sow. Be it for better or worse, what's coming, is coming, and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

If you think this sounds grim, maybe you are worried about what kind of seeds you've been planting. If you've done good things for others, and generally led a moral life (not me), you can rest assured that you have nothing to worry about. Yes, something tragic still may happen, Kamma doesn't necessarily protect you from getting in a car accident if you fall asleep while driving, it's not a magical force that many people believe it to be. So you can't count on it for protection, you still need to use your own good sense to keep you healthy, safe, and alive. But what you can count on is that good things you have done will come back to you, and your life will be better off for it. In this way, even if you find yourself in a less-than-desirable situation in life, doing good deeds will help. That doesn't mean it will make all your dreams come true, but it will at least bring you closer to living in peace and harmony with yourself, and with others. If nothing else, you will be closer to the "hippie dream."

For example, while traveling around Asia, I've come across many communities and families living in extreme poverty. I can't say for sure, from only catching little glimpses here and there, but some of them genuinely seem to be happy. In fact, they seem to be much happier than most people I know from the United States, people who are blessed to have more than enough to survive or maybe even leading a life of luxury. Although some of us are still caught up in the idea of the "American dream," many of us can see right through it. If I can say one good thing about the media, it has shown us, over and over again, the true suffering in the lives of the rich and the famous. All the scandals, the drama, the abuse, and the problems of these people are plastered all over the news. Whether you care about celebrity gossip or not doesn't matter, because you will probably hear about at least some of it, and that is almost a good thing, because it might just help you to stop believing that money can buy you happiness, because it can't.

So what buys happiness? In Buddhism, it's generosity. The more generous you are with your time, energy, and material goods, the happier you feel. There is a direct cause and effect relationship there (Kamma). By being generous, you generate a good feeling in your heart, even if that person doesn't do anything in return for you. So if you think Kamma means that if you give someone 5 bucks, and somehow you will be guaranteed to get that back, you have misunderstood the concept. If you give someone 5 bucks so they can use it to buy heroin, you haven't necessarily done a good deed. So generosity isn't just about what you are doing, but how you are doing it, and why. If you think what you are doing is for the best, and your intentions are pure, then you will have a good feeling in your heart when you do it. That is your reward. There might be more, but there won't be less.

Here's an example that is common in India. Everywhere you walk, especially in a place like Rishikesh, there are beggars hitting you up for money. Sometimes, they are lining the street, one right after another, so if you walk around all day, you might get hit up a hundred times for spare change. While your heart goes out to these people, some of whom may or may not be living a life of renunciation as part of their religion, you know that you can't possibly give to all of them. Besides that, some of them get in your face, and try to make it difficult to get around them. Giving money to someone just to get them out of your way probably won't give you that good feeling. I know that it's tough, because sometimes, those people might need it the most, but I usually don't give anything to them.

There is this one guy, on the other hand, that I always hook up, either with a banana, or some cash. Why? Because he has a really awesome energy about him, and even if I don't give him anything, he still smiles and greets me as I walk by. "Hare Om!" he shouts at everyone as they pass, with full enthusiasm. Maybe he's so happy because he's probably treated better than 95% of the guys working the streets, but then again, that might just be his Kamma. I know it makes me happy just to see him, and when I give him something, it makes me even happier. Now, I give to others as well, but usually to those who are at least respectful of my space. Giving money to beggars is actually a pretty cheap way to get a high, because even if you give them 1 rupee, they are usually happy, and that's only worth 2 cents. If you give them 10 rupees, which comes in a nice bill and is enough to buy something hot to eat, like 2-3 samosas, and you're only down 20 cents.

But we need to be careful here. If we are only doing good things to reap the benefits, we've forgotten that how and why we do something are also important. For example, if I just start chucking 1 rupee coins at people, which are about the size of quarters, hitting beggars in the head and making them chase rolling rupees down the street, I'm not really doing a good deed. How do I know? Because the feeling within will tell me. Sometimes, when I don't have anything to give, either literally or I'm just not in the mood, I will turn and smile at the person, as a way of acknowleding the fact that they are a living and breathing human being. If they spoke English, I'd explain, "do you have any idea how many times I've been hit up today?"

Whether or not we follow some religion is secondary to what we are doing, how we are doing it, and why. Of course, there are different beliefs about the afterlife, many that are quite imperative to the religion, but if your actions don't reflect your beliefs, maybe it's time to shift your focus. There is far too much focus on religious beliefs in the world and not enough on how we are treating each other. Our beliefs tend to separate us from one another, making us think that we are right and they are wrong, and that we are different, when in fact, it's only causes and conditions that led us to have these differences in belief in the first place. Take those causes and conditions away, or Kamma, and what we are left with is the same living, breathing, human beings. It's just like walking around either fending off beggars or filling up their cups, it's so easy to see yourself as being above them, as them being sub-human, but if you take the time to actually look into their eyes, you will have no doubt as to their innate oneness with you. That could be you, actually, if you would have been born into a different family, in a different part of the world.

So whether you believe that it is your good Kamma from past lives that gave you the opportunity to be born into a priveledged  family, like many Buddhists believe, it really doesn't matter. What matters is that you act according to what you can see and know from your own experiences in this very life. Have your beliefs, or don't, it really doesn't matter. The only that matters is what you are doing, how, and why. If your beliefs support you to do good things, we can see the value in them. If you think having beliefs is enough and you don't need to do anything else, you might as well just get rid of them and start from the ground up. There's too many people doing terrible things in the name of their beliefs to think that beliefs, on their own, are a good thing.

Too often, we confuse our religious beliefs with a sense of identity, and forget that the purpose of religion is to lead our actions in wholesome directions. "I'm a Christian," "I'm a Buddhist," or "I'm a Muslim," are the common responses you will find. There's nothing wrong with saying this, but deep down, you should understand that what's important is to say, "I practice being a virtuous Christian, Buddhist, or Muslim." If you can't say that, you shouldn't say anything. Calling yourself this or that and then doing things to hurt others is hypocrisy. If you don't subscribe to a particular belief, like many in the west, that's perfectly fine too, but check to see that you didn't also throw out your moral backbone, or that your parents didn't, when they gave up the religion of their ancestors. If you are strong enough to lead yourself in wholesome directions without a religion, maybe you don't need one, I can't say. What I do know is that having one has helped me, and not in the sense that I think it's going to save me in the afterlife, but that it gives me something to practice, here and now, and I can see how my life is improving because of that.

I'll also say that trying to lead a virtuous life is somewhat of a new venture for me, hence my being compelled to write this. It was never something I cared about until recently, and I'm finding that I was living so far from it, that now, it is proving to be a difficult thing to do, and that is because of my past Kamma. I used to do things I'm not proud of, and I admit I've hurt many people, so trying to change overnight is impossible. If I could have maintained some practice of morality after I stopped believing in Christian dogma, I could have saved myself a lot of trouble, not to mention the people I ended up hurting. The problem was, I got the two mixed up. I figured, without a religion, everything is fair game, there are no rules. I think this is the common understanding of the youth in America today. But regardless of belief, that feeling within will be there to guide us, and I got all-too-good at ignoring it. Now, there are things I can never take back, but as for today, I will do my best to pay attention that inner guidance and allow it to lead me to a life of virtue.

May all beings connect with that place within that affirms wholesome deeds.

May all beings see that what they do, how they do it, and why they do it, is more important than any sort of religious, spiritual, or atheistic beliefs.

May all beings see that regardless of differences in religion, race, and beliefs, we are all in this together, and act accordingly.