The Dhamma of Being Sick

Wait for it, wait for it, ah, there it is! It's that voice in my head that says, "Why me?" Of course, no one wants to be sick, but it happens to everyone. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I hope to turn this around into another opportunity to practice.

Whenever life offers us less-than-desirable circumstances, we usually find that the "poor me" button is pushed, over, and over, and over. We are so used to this button being pushed that we don't even realize it's happening. Instead of being aware of what is happening, the whining and complaining becomes an automated response. In this way, we basically try to unload our misery onto those around us, always making every little problem we have everyone else's problem.

So what's the problem with that?

If you have loved ones around, being taken care of can feel pretty good, and in a way, it can strengthen a relationship. But if one isn't careful, it can turn into another way to feel sorry for oneself and attract pity and attention. It sort of feels good to have other people feel sorry for us, we get a little extra love and attention, and it makes it feel special, doesn't it?

But I for one will take a stand and say that I'd rather not have to listen to someone whine and complain all day. When I feel like someone is fishing for something, be it a compliment or sympathy, I don't feel obliged to give it to them, because I don't agree with the way it supports this special-me, or poor-me mentality. When someone is relying on extra attention in order to make themselves feel better, it can be seen as in indication that are neglecting to take the time to bring their own attention, loving-kindness, and compassion within.

Even with this understanding, what is one to do when those around you won't stop fishing? It almost makes you feel bad if you don't give them what they want. One way that I've been exposed to recently is the overwhelming support of my girlfriend, to the point that it sort of makes me laugh and become aware of the internal processes. I'm not asking for it, but I'm getting it anyway. So there you go, we can give each other the compassion and support without be lured in by a plea for pity, and thereby show our love without weakening the individual in need and rendering them helpless.

Real support, real compassion, is not just giving someone a crutch, its teaching them how to walk on their own.

So when we find ourselves on the end that is sick, or does need compassion, what can we do to ensure that we don't fall victim to this victim mentality?

1. Cheer up, try to take your illness light-heartedly.
2. Be clear about how you are feeling, and find non-whiny ways to share it.
3. Give yourself a chance to become intimate with your condition.

When we can develop an intimate relationship with our conditions, in a moment to moment analysis, we might find that what we are experiencing isn't as bad as we had previously imagined. It's the mind that becomes overwhelmed by everything, that becomes stressed out, that makes everything into a big dramatic situation and casts us as the victim.

Okay, okay, so I can see this all happening, but it seems so automatic, how can I stop it?

In insight meditation, when we want to stop something, we don't use force, but understanding. So we simply observe and practice kindness. We know that the process is going on and we are okay with that. Over time, through repeated observation and acceptance, we will notice the process change. It does so on its own, it's a completely natural process. With patience, we can watch the poor-me mentality being replaced with a state of balanced acceptance, called equanimity. Being careful not to push unwanted things away, we can develop the capacity to be at peace with them. It is the peace we seek anyway, and the changing of conditions in our favor is just a bonus.

There's nothing miraculous about this practice, it's simply an understanding of the way the human mind works and it was passed down by the Buddha almost 2,600 years ago. Like a super-dorky scientist of the mind, he was able to see these processes clearly, and offered them up for others to use. He never tried to sell anything, but rather encouraged others to put his teachings to the test in their own lives. As I continue to test his teachings, I develop more and more confidence and trust, or what you might call practical faith. You don't need to believe anything that you can't prove for yourself, through your own experience, so give it a try. What's the worst that could happen?

How to Make Work Your Work Your Practice

Now that I'm well underway with my new job, as an English teacher at a private language center in Bangkok, I've had plenty of chances to see just how much of an opportunity working can be for developing one's practice. Although I find myself wearing a shirt and tie and am far from the daily schedule of the monastery, where I find myself wishing I was, I'm still in a conducive environment to practice if I can open up to the possibilties that every moment offers. In some ways, it doesn't matter what you do, you can always bring awareness to any activity. But what's so special about work?


Getting feedback:

In just about any job, especially when you first start out, you are probably going to get some sort of feedback as to how you are doing. It might be in a formal, sit-down situation, such as with my current job, or it might just be in the unspoken body language of your supervisor. Either way, there will be opinions about how you are doing, and if you are a keen observer, you can pick up on these. What you do with this feedback can really be a great place to practice. If you receive good feedback, and puff yourself up because of it, you are strengthening the false sense of self that is the ego. The stronger the ego, the less connected you are with reality. But the ego doesn't just like to be praised, it is also strengthened by blame. Even blame strengthens the ego in the sense that it reaffirms that it does in fact exist, and then it feels sorry for itself.

Even though I have some teaching experience, the job I'm in now is quite specific and not all the skills are the same. I have a long way to go, but it's still a challenge to recieve criticism without getting defensive. My challenge is therefore to take criticism with a smile, knowing that I have room for improvement, and to take compliments without letting it get to my head.

"Praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow come and go like the wind . To be happy, rest like a giant tree in the midst of them all." - The Buddha


Trash talking:

Another area we can potentially practice while at work is when it comes to talking about others in the workplace, be it co-workers, bosses, or customers. This is a real trap, as in one way, it offers the promise of building a bridge, a way to bond with co-workers and turn them into friends. If you just go along with their remarks about others, it can go a long way in their eyes, and it's easy to do, especially if you agree. Similarly, if you think you have an opinion that they will agree with, it's an easy to hook to throw out there. If they bite, then it's a green-light to bad-mouth the other person whenever the chance arises. As a working relationship continues, this bridge can be strengthened and you readily turn to each other to unload the latest complaint or judgment about the third party.

I've always had a big mouth and an even bigger opinion, but now I'm starting to see that there is nothing good that comes from this. Even if it feels good to find someone who has the same opinion, it doesn't feel good to talk trash about someone else. It's a complete lack of compassion and again, strengthens the ego and the sense of separteness between myself and the rest of the world. As long as this separation exists, I will be unable to see things as they really are and I'll never have access to the freedom and natural joy that is my birthright.

The challenge with trash talking at work is how to find positive things to say about others, and how to listen with compassion to someone who is talking trash without biting the hook? Needless to say, it's not easy, and I'm glad I've had the clarity to notice the early trends now before the bridge is too reinforced to break without an earthquake.


Not taking what isn't given:

I know this sounds stupid, but it's true. I used to take things from the places I worked. Not often and not much, but for example, I might take a couple batteries or some nails, something simple that I knew I needed but didn't want to buy. Beyond that, I might be inclined to take another's belongings if they were left out heedlessly. Some of the things are almost so silly that I used to justify it by saying. "It's just a pencil, they probably wouldn't even care." Okay, on some occasions, that may have actually been true, but the reality remains the same, they weren't given to me.

Many of my friends have been known for taking a ridiculous amount of things from work, to the point where it was even sort of a respected thing to do. For example, if someone worked in a restaurant, they might stock their kitchen at home forks and knives from their workplace. The restaurant might not even have noticed, but that's not the point. If everyone just skims a little off the top, it starts to add up. Even if it doesn't, even if there are no consequences, we are still cultivating an unwholesome mind state by taking things that aren't offered to us.

Especially with my friends, I used to take advantage of the theory that they wouldn't mind. Sometimes, the delusion woudl be so strong that I would later learn that they did in fact mind and was suprised to find out so. One of the five precepts that Buddhists are suggested to follow is to not take what has not been given, and this principle has really made me realize how automatic such a thing had become for me. I wouldn't hesitate about taking something that I figured wasn't significant or important, and it was perpetuating the I-centered universe that I had been living in. If everything resolves around us, then it only makes sense that we should be able to take what we wish, but this is ignorance at its finest. Wouldn't it be nice to know that if you left your nice pen out overnight, it would still be there in the morning? Should we really have to be that careful with our personal belongings, always fearing that someone will conveniently swipe anything that is left around?


Can you find some opportunites to practice at your workplace? If so, please feel free to share your thoughts!

Oh, and by the way, I'm still looking for that pen that I left out the other day...

Envisioning the "Future Me"

It's helpful to be able to identify our personal shortcomings and have a vision about where we see ourselves headed. By having clear intentions, we can do our best to co-create with the Universe and manifest the future. Whenever you discover something about yourself that you don't like, you can add it to your list. 

Here is my vision for my future:

1. To be so grateful for life that I enjoy even the times when I'm miserable and suffering.

2. To not look to blame someone or something every time something goes wrong.

3. To be fascinated by the simplest things.

4. To be the strongest when I feel the weakest.

5. To see people only in their highest light, their true nature.

6. To not look for comfort in things like food, entertainment, or intoxicants.

7. To laugh and play like a kid again.

8. To put others first.

9. To take advantage of every opportunity.

10. To surrender to something higher than me. 

Basically, as Ghandi put it, I want to be the change I wish to see in the world. I know that in order to be the change, I must first see the change. I want to practice what I preach, but I need help. I hope that by setting these intentions, I can make it more clear to myself about where I want to go in life, and thereby get a better idea of how I can get there. Knowing that now is all I'll ever have, I better get to work!

What do you envision for your future?

Wishing you all the best in your travels through life.

I might not live another day, but if I do, I intend to be a better person than I have been today. 

Dhamma in the City: The Practice Never Stops

Now that I’m back in Thailand and settled into a new job and a new apartment, I often find myself wondering if I’ve strayed from the path towards freedom. Making money and having worldly responsibilities, at first glance, seems counter-productive to what I’m trying to do here. When I was leaving the last meditation retreat I sat, which was in Nepal, I had a strong vision about my aspirations for the the next year or so, and to say the least, it didn’t involve signing a 1-year contract to teach English full-time in Bangkok. Nevertheless, I find myself in precisely such a situation, and needing to make sense of it all.

What is happening, from as best as I can tell, is that fear is starting to arise. This fear is worried about getting wrapped up in making money and having things. But is this rational? Sure, it can be a slippery slope, but since when are you not allowed to make money and have a spiritual life? The problem isn’t in the money, but in the fear itself. The fact that I’m worried is actually a good thing, it means that my aspirations to stay on the path are deeply rooted, and that even shifting conditions won’t make me forget what I really want. But acting out of fear is never a good idea. So I see that fear is arising, and I can just practice observing it, knowing it not to be who or what I really am. In this way, I can keep moving forward in a positive manner, and not let the worries and doubts create turmoil in my mind.

But that’s not the end of the story. What is happening in the here and now is much more important than speculative projections about where I’m going to be a year from now when my contract runs out and whether I’ll be more likely to visit the beach than the monastery. Yes, I know that to live a life in the Dhamma, one must make arrangements, one must sacrifice and plan to spend time practicing. Otherwise, one drifts aimlessly and remains hopelessly lost in the world of swirling mental formations, not knowing what is what and always chasing the next form of pleasant experience. But if I go on thinking that spending time in meditation retreats is the extent of my spiritual life, I’m missing the point.

And that’s what my insight has been the last few days. I don’t need to wait for another retreat to practice; I can practice in each and every waking moment. Although that’s easier said than done, the opportunity is there, and if I’m not taking advantage of it, by at least setting an intention to be mindful, I’m most-likely missing out on the beauty of the ever-present moment.

Okay, there’s a lot here already, so I’ll try to be more specific. Although traffic jams and pounding pavement in a big city of 9 million people seems far from the peace and serenity of a monastery in the forest or mountains somewhere, the practice remains the same.

What is it like to be alive in this moment?

Why do I need to be sitting cross-legged with my eyes closed to ask this question? Yes, it’s probably a good idea to do meditation retreats, as they really offer an opportunity to develop concentration that can later be used. They also work on the level of problem solving. Since so many deep-rooted problems arise during intensive practice, we learn how to deal with all sorts of internal obstacles.

In the “real world,” all the problems seem to be external, but I when I can remember, I know better. All the frustration I’m feeling living in the city, the slow moving pedestrians that criss-cross down the sidewalk without looking, the lanes of traffic that are frozen for minutes at a time, the endless heat, seems to be because of external obstacles. But then I look over, and I see the person next to me, facing the same external situation, seemingly unaffected. The difference must lie in the way this external phenomena is being processed and translated.

It is only because of my resistance that I am suffering.

If I am present enough to notice my resistance, it weakens. Sometimes, it even goes away altogether. In those moments, a gentle smile appears on my face and I am reminded that everything is okay. If I’m late to yoga, if I don’t make it to work at all, if I’m constantly bordering on becoming a human waterfall of sweat, who cares? The truth is, it’s only my mind that cares, but in reality, it doesn’t really matter. If I miss yoga, if I miss work, even if I get fired, so what? Is there not another job waiting for me? Is there not another class tomorrow? If I remain positive, knowing that I am not in control, I can rest assured that whatever life has in store for me is going to be what I need when I need it. It might not come packaged the way I want it to, or the way I have envisioned, but that’s okay.

Honestly, I feel like my life right now is the end of a movie. It’s like everything has worked out for me over the past year or so, over the course of some major changes, and now that everything has fallen into place, it’s time to move forward with optimism and hope, with a sense of belonging and direction, and most importantly, with an opportunity to implement all the things that I’ve learned. When one story ends, a new one begins, and the next chapter of my life remains to be seen. Can I surrender to life and let whatever comes come? Can I have a respectable job and wear nice shirts and ties without losing my purpose? Can I find ways to practice what the Buddha taught, about being mindful for each step as I walk through the city, staying with my breath as I ride the bus, and responding with compassion to those around me?

Who knows what will happen! If I knew, life would be boring. If I was in complete control, there wouldn’t be any surprises. Besides, I would have never made it here if I could have sculpted my life from the beginning. I’d probably have my head up my ass in the US with some fancy career or something by now. So I guess I feel good about where I am, and am grateful to have had the opportunities that have come my way. I’m locked in to a full time job, but I doubt I’ll forget what is important to me. If I can remember to ask myself what life is like for me, right now, and keep asking myself as many times as possible, I will find freedom from my fears, I will find truth, and who knows, maybe even a bit of happiness. 

So as I walked through the blazing heat of the city today, I felt for the first time since I've been back that I'm right on track, even if doesn't seem that way at first glance. I have plenty of opportunities to practice the Dhamma, to practice implementing the skills that I've worked so hard to develop. Patience, flexibility, tolerance. If I can't put them into use now, when I need them most, what good have my efforts been? I refuse to believe that my efforts have been in vain, and I take this opportunity to set the intention to stay connected with the direct experience of my life as it unfolds, from moment to moment, from breath to breath, from step to step. 

I walk into the future, but without leaving the now. 

I wish all of you the best of luck on your journey, may you walk with peace, love, and direction. 

Teaching Yoga in India, a dream come true!

Having just finished teaching an official yoga class for the first time, and preparing to leave the town of Bhagsu, a place I've called home for nearly 6 weeks now, I feel compelled to write something. Teaching this morning made my whole trip through India come full circle. I remember just over a year ago, when I sitting in my room in southern Colorado, and wondering what life was going to bring me next. My job at Fort Lewis College was coming to an end and I needed to make a decision about what to do next. For possibly the first time in my life, I felt like I actually had options. I went from having what seemed like no options to having too many in just a matter of a few days. Basically, it was when I stopped believing the lies that my mind was telling me, about how I am a victim and have limited opportunities in life. When I believed this, I was powerless. When I stopped believing, when I pulled my head out of my ass, a whole world of opportunities opened up for me.

It was like a hobo had run up to my dirty car windshield at a traffic light and suddenly cleaned it without me knowing what happened. All of a sudden, I could see! But since there was no need for a hobo, I didn't have to pay anything, it was free! At that moment, or in the course of those few days, I made a decision that would undoubtedly shape the course of the rest of my life. It was the decision to return to Thailand that did it for me. It was a difficult decision to make, and came up as if from nowhere. I realized that I just needed to use a credit card to buy my ticket and count on my last couple paychecks with the school to keep me going until paychecks from teaching English rolled in.

English nor money was pulling me back to Asia, but rather, it was what's called Samvega in the Pali language, which means something like spiritual urgency. I knew that the East is a good place for a young seeker to be, with many opportunities to explore Buddhism, yoga, and meditation. Since these three things have become my passions in the last few years, I had to trust my intuition that was pulling me back. Not long after that I bought my ticket and my time in Colorado was yet again coming to an end, as it had the first time I left it for Thailand 3 years ago. Since I was connected with a strong community of yoga and meditation practitioners in Colorado, I had a few weeks to ask around, getting ideas for places to meditate and countries to visit. At the top of my list was Burma, which is known for having some of the most intense meditation practices in the world. Of course, in my mind, I had everything planned out, but as I am once again reminded, I'm not in control here.

So I was going to get a meditation VISA for Burma and try to spend a few months at one of the monasteries that I had my eye on. But then another idea came up, maybe I should go to India first, do a yoga teacher training course and prepare my body for sitting in meditation long of the day. Either way, I would return to Colorado after a year and settle down in Durango. Both seemed like good ideas, and although the big decision to make about whether or not to go back to Thailand had been made, a series of equally difficult decisions had yet to be made, and again, those decisions have been shaping my life ever since then.

After teaching English for about 5 months, I moved out of my bungalow in Sukothai province and hit the road on October 1st of 2012. Since then, I've managed to spend 2 months in intensive meditation settings in 4 different countries, incuding Thailand, Burma, India, and Nepal, and devoted about 2 months to yoga, including a 4 week teacher training course. Even though my plan didn't work out the way I thought it would, you can see that my dream last year and the reality of what has happened the past 7 months are pretty similar. The details look a little different, but the beautiful thing is that what actually happened was better than what I had hoped for. Despite not getting a meditation VISA for Burma, and thereby having to cut my trip there to 1 month, I have a feeling that the way things have worked out have been far beyond what I could have imagined.

It's important to have plans, to have dreams about the future, but we need to understand that ultimately, the future is out of our control. There are too many forces at work, unexpected twists and turns in life to think that we can create the future. But, we do find that we can co-create with the universe. By having an intention, we act and can thereby manifest something within the confines of our own abilities and in accordance with the laws of nature. In this way, we can cause a rock in our hand to hit the ground by letting go of it. The intention will be to let go of the rock and one can be sure if unobstructed, that rock will hit the ground. This is working within our limitations and in accordance with the laws of nature. Whether we do this consciously or unconsciously, we are doing it. If we can become aware of our intentions, we can consciously sculpt them in order to bring about a desired result. One will find, that if they let go of the rock but have the desire for it to go up instead of down, they will be going against nature and will fail to produce the desired result.

What this means for us is that we can set intentions to consciously create our future while understanding that we have limited abilities. Instead of having a plan and sticking to it, we can see that it's better to have dreams, to have ideas, and to be open for what the future holds. If we are too attached to our plans, we will miss opportunities as they present themselves to us. Besides, you never know when you get hit by a bus while trying to cross the street or a meteor lands on your head. You just never know.

On this trip in particular, almost nothing has gone as planned. I thought I knew what was going to happen, I was to fly to Goa and start my yoga teacher training on the beach right away. I'd be a certified teacher by the end of January, make my way to the Kumbha Mela, then to Bodh Gaya for a meditation retreat, and then to Rishikesh before flying back to Thailand in March. I had it all figured out and was happy about my little plan. Oh, how foolish I was! What I didn't know, yet, was that India had a different plan for me. When I've been able to accept this, things have gone pretty smooth for me, but when I resist this idea, and I try too hard to control, I have suffered. And believe me, Oh, how I have suffered on this trip. Not only has it been the most rewarding adventure of my life, it's also been the most difficult, and challenges have been plentiful.

So what happened was I didn't like my yoga course, in Goa, dropped out after 1 night, and headed to Auroville, a spiritual and intentional community run mostly by foreigners, to volunteer at Sadhana Forest, a reforestation project. After 3 weeks of living with travelers from all over the world, planting trees, and making new friends, I headed to Bangalore to see Amma. My week in Bangalore gave me time to spend 3 days at the Art of Living ashram for a yoga course, and to see the IKSCON (Hare Krishna movement) International Headquarters. From there I took the train to Kolkata and then to Gaya, for my 10 day retreat, which proved to be the only thing that really worked out as planned. After 2 weeks in Bodhgaya, soaking up the Buddhist pilgrimage vibe, I dropped my stuff on in Sarnath and headed out to the Kumbha Mela. Although I did have that planned before as well, I planned to go before the meditation retreat during the peak time of the over 1 month religious festival that attracted 80 million people. Having found the crowds when I was there to be more than enough, I was grateful to not have gone during the peak bathing dates.

It was around this point that I decided to take a short dip into Nepal, to hit up a Burmese meditation center in Lumbini that a German told me about. Besides, I had already gone to two of the four main Buddhist Holy places, and this allowed me to complete the circuit. This new idea meant I only had one night at the Mela and one night in Varanasi, India's holiest city along the Ganges River. After sleeping on the ground with a bunch of dirty hippies in the Rainbow Camp at the Mela and then watching dead bodies burn and barely avoiding getting eaten by street dogs in Varanasi, I was ready to get back into the silence of a meditation retreat, so as to do the work that would allow me to handle these adverse situations that India was throwing at me. If you come here in your own little world, full of judgments and feeling entitled, your bubble will be popped by the shit-show that is this country. The more I practice meditation, the more I am able to find peace amidst the craziness, to keep my balance even in the face of difficult situations.  It helps me to see that everything is in a constant state of flux, and there's nothing really there to grab onto. I sense myself constantly changing and understand that so is everything else. Understanding this helps me to relax my expectations, and to be okay with whatever happens. It hasn't been easy. Sometimes, I feel strong, and other times, at my weakest.

While in Auroville, in January, I made reservations for another yoga teacher training course in Rishikesh, so I headed there from Nepal after my 8 day retreat in Lumbini. I started training on my own, taking classes around town, and preparing for the 1 month intensive. After the first few hours of the course, I knew that, once again, I had found myself in the wrong place. Another failed attempt to plan to be where I needed to be. Where I needed to be, as I found out, was further north, up around Dharamsala. So after 2.5 weeks in Rishikesh, I came to Dharamsala and found the neighboring community of Bhagsu for a third attempt at becoming a yoga teacher. When I got here, the doubt that was prevelant in Goa and Rishikesh had vanished, and I knew with all my heart that I was exactly where I needed to be.

Looking back in this way, at the facts, makes me realize how blessed I've been and how it would have been impossible for me to plan out for all these things to happen to me. My trip has been much different than I expected, but more rewarding that I had imagined. By staying open to what the universe has in store for me, I've been afforded the ability to see opportunities, and the flexibility to take advantage of them. I now know that when sculpting my future, it's good to have dreams, it's good to have a sense of purpose and direction, but when the time comes, it's good to be able to let go of plans and step into the magic and the mystery that is the present moment.

Now, one year after returning to Thailand, I have no plans to return to the good ol' USA and am overwhelmed by this magic and the beauty of life. My head is once again filled with a million ideas about the future, but I'm learning how to keep the fire stoked without getting burned. What lies ahead for me in the future is only possibilities, and I now believe that any dream of mine can come true. As for my fate, time will only tell. I can only hope that this feeling I have today, high up in the Himalayas, about how life is one epic journey, will never fade. Keep dreaming!

Don't Find Yourself, Keep Looking!

I remember not too long ago when I had come to the place where I thought I had "found myself," but now I'm not so sure. I received a message on Facebook today from a dear friend, someone who is undergoing some changes and thought to share his insights with me. I wrote him back, and realized how silly this concept of finding oneself really is. It seems to be something coveted too, only an option for those who are really willing to go within and start looking. But the problem is, this self is nowhere to be found, so anytime anyone thinks they have found it is experiencing nothing more than illusion of self, something concrete and fixed, some sort of entity, and the truth is, it's not there.

Okay, I admit it, I love to play with words, and twist them around my little finger, but why shouldn't I? In one sense, it's what makes the English language so beautiful. I don't know much about other languages, but in Thai for example, the possibilities to do this are very limited. In English, we can assign many different meanings to words, view them from different angles, and oftentimes, great poetry comes, an amazing song is spun, or that classic line from a movie is born that has a double meaning. The good news is that by adopting a new perspective on language, we can adopt a new perspective on life. Even though we aren't looking to polish our perspectives here, sometimes it can serve as a beautiful reminder of something we already know to be true in our hearts.

The journey to find yourself is perhaps the most important thing you can do during your short time here on planet earth. The fruit of this journey uncovers purpose, and our purpose is what brings about change. Change is the key word here. Getting in touch with ourselves implies that we move closer to what we really are, and so even though changes happen, it's not like we lose something. But with this moving closer to our essence comes the change I'm talking about, and that is change that our personal growth allows us to effect on a bigger scale, in our communities, in our countries, and on this planet. If we fail to understand that we are all here to participate in the nurturing and stewardship of this planet, we will lose it, and we will lose humanity along with it.

Confused yet?

I know, I said the journey to find yourself is the most important thing you can do, but finding yourself is perhaps the worst thing you can do. Why? Because as soon as you find, you stop looking. Besides, you might try asking, who is looking? The looking isn't a bad thing, but the finding is. If we think we have found ourselves, we have created ourselves. As soon as there is an "us," there is an "us vs. them." The idea here isn't to become someone, it is to simply be. Being yourself implies showing up to life, as it unfolds, from moment to moment. There is no standard here, no reputation to live up to, nothing to filter incoming data. When we create ourselves, we create an identity. Just like a character in a movie, this identity likes certain things, and dislikes others. It has certain tendencies, certain patters, it is predictable.

Do you want to be predictable? 

Predictability is not freedom. On the contrary, the more predictable we become, the less we are free. We become slaves to our identities, to the expectations that others come to form about us based on what we've done in the past. If you want to live in the past, and continue to perpetuate a past version of yourself into the future, you will continue to suffer. What about now? Shouldn't you be able to respond to life in this moment in whichever way you so choose? Yes, we need to be held accountable. If we have responsibilities, we need to take care that our actions in this moment don't threaten them. We need to take care that our actions in this moment don't hurt those we love. But, what we don't need to do is keep repeating conditioned reactions to the point that we might as well be two-dimensional and put on a TV screen.

I know this is a tough thing to understand. For me, trying to understand this, I become sad, because in some way, I don't want to lose myself. But at a deeper level, I know I need to learn to let go. In my own past I've been many people. I've changed many times and as I walk away from one identity I walk into another. If I'm not careful, my journey will just continue in this manner and I will be no closer to my real self, just further away from my old self, and this is not the point. The point isn't to get as far away from the "old me" as possible, it is to step into the field of mystery that is life, that I am a part of. In this field, there is no "me," there is just the everything-that-is. Yes, that includes my conditioned mind, my reputation, my own self-image, but it also includes my ability to put that aside and let something else guide me.

What I find from my own suffering is that the cause of it has already happened. It's like I don't even have a choice to do or not do something in the present moment because some past version of me already decided. In other words, I am so used to doing things in a certain way that when the time comes to do something else, I'm so blinded by my tendencies that I don't even see this window of opportunity, and I'm willing to go out on a limb and say this is how most of us go through life.

What my friend said to me, in his message, was that he was coming back to a blank slate, and I just thought that was such a clear way of looking at this. What I'm now remembering is that one night, him and I tried to collaborate on a painting. What happened was, we got to a point where there was so much paint on the canvas, that there was no turning back. Sure, we could have let the paint dry, and then start again, but that wasn't the point. We wanted to do something together, in the moment. Even though he is quite talented with a paintbrush, he couldn't save the mess we (I) had created. The final product was ugly, it wouldn't have even passed for art in some contemporary abstract sense of the word. I remember thinking that it was a total failure, but now, maybe 5 years later, I finally understand what it meant.
If we have too much paint on the canvas, we start running out of options. In the same way, if our projection of ourselves is too strong, we can't choose who to be when the time comes. That's what I mean by saying it's no use in finding yourself. If you find yourself once, you're done. Do you really want to be one person for the rest of your life? Unless you really think you are perfect already, that there is no reason to grow or change or evolve, then it's absurd to try to stuff yourself into a little box and write your name on it. If you do this, you might as well just write it on a name-tag and wear it everyday, like, "Hi, my name is Bob." If you think this name of yours is who you are, you might want to keep looking.

Yes, we all have personalities, and we should. How boring would life be if we were all exactly the same? Just as light is divided into all the colors of the rainbow as it passes through a diamond, so should the diversity and wonder of life be expressed in a unique way by each individual. But this isn't the whole story. Yes, we should be unique, we are unique, each and every one of us, but we should understand that this is just a convention, it's not asbolute. There is no unchanging entity within us that is unique. What can be unique is the expression of change, with this expression of impermanence. As soon as our uniqueness stops changing, it is no longer unique. What we tend to do instead is find some sort of label for ourselves, some sort of framework to make things easier. Instead of celebrating the way we see life, through our own eyes, we attach ourselves to some stereotype, some model. "I'm a hippie," or "I'm a big football guy." So now what? What does this really say about us?

Our personalities are meant to serve us, to help us discover our purpose in this life, the ways in which we can utilize ourselves for the benefit of the bigger picture. We have interests, passions, and something to offer. Everyone has something to offer this world, but most of us aren't offering it, because this idea isn't acknowledged. Instead of being encouraged by society to be unique, discover that gift that no one else on earth has but us, and sharing it with others, we are encouraged to stuff ourselves into these little boxes, assigning ourselves a role and responsibility and never question anything again. This is social slavery, and it is dulling the minds and hearts of the masses.

Instead, let's look within, and let's keep looking. Let's allow ourselves to respond to life with fresh eyes, from a blank slate. Let's create ourselves not in the sense that we are creating a fixed entity, but starting over again in every moment. When we find our purpose, we can share it with others, and when the purpose changes, we can go with the flow without having an identity crisis. With the understanding that there is really no one here to live up to, there is no "me" that I need to act in accordance with, I am free to be myself in the truest sense of the word. Yes, I will have a perspective, I will have an outlook on life, and that's okay. If we didn't we'd be even more lost than we are now. But do I really need to identify with it? Do I need to claim it as my own and build my life around it?

If I understand that my real essence is unchanging, but it has nothing to do with my name, gender, race, role, religion, or personality, I can loosen my grip to all these things. I can still have a name, but I know that it has nothing to do with the eternal self that lies behind these eyes. Then, I can let go of the idea of this self-created identity, and be free to meet the changing conditions of life as it unfolds, as necessary. I am tired of being a slave to my past, to my habits, to my self-image. Who is this person anyway? I know there is nothing to it, there is no one here, so why do I continue to fall victim to this? The truth is, it's not so easy to walk away from this image, from these tendencies of the mind. The good news is, we don't need to do so with totality to find some freedom.

"Let go a little, and you will have a little peace. Let go a lot, and you will have a lot of peace. Let go completely, and you will have complete peace." Ajahn Chah

Sure, I want complete peace, who doesn't? But the destination isn't important here, let's just keep moving forward. With each step comes new obstacles, and how we dealt with obstacles in the past no longer applies. There is a new "us" now, we are a blank slate, and we can paint any picture we want to see. Become a new person, try new things, make those changes, you won't regret it. And if those you share your life with don't like the "new you," make sure you show them why these changes are for the best. If your change doesn't make you a nicer, more agreeable person, with less buttons to push and more empathy towards others, you are probably moving further away from your innate perfection. No worries, we can always toss aside the muddled canvas for a blank slate.

We can start over again as many times as we want. It is never too late for a new beginning, for second chances, to make amends, to turn our lives in a more positive direction. It's never too late to do what "we" would never do, take up dancing, say we are sorry, or travel to a new place. It's never too late to be the person we could be, resisting the urge to fall into habituated reactions, and finding an ability to choose in even simple matters of what to wear or what's for breakfast. We don't have to think radically, about how we need to walk away from the life we have created, instead, we can see that the life we have created is something that is just a convention, it doesn't account for the way we have to be on the inside.

We can still show up for our lives, but now, we can see the beauty and the mystery of the ever-changing moment. We can connect with this idea that there is no "us" that needs to look and speak and act in a particular way, like a character in a movie. Instead of finding ourselves, we can just be ourselves, and see that nothing needs to be predictable about us, nothing needs to remain constant. In this way of being, we see ourselves pulsing in and out of existence in every moment, not carrying any baggage with us, ready for anything. We see that instead of finding, we'd much rather keep looking.

May all beings see that the idea of finding yourself is nothing to strive for, as we are not like characters in a movie, predictable, and two-dimensional.

May all beings meet the changing conditions of life as it unfolds with fresh eyes, with a blank slate.

May all beings look for themselves, but not to find, just to look, to see what's there, and use what they find to express themselves in a natural way, in order to find purpose, in order to effect change, for the benefit of all.

Thanks for reading. May your journey within be filled with mystery, magic, and beauty.

You Just Never Know

On Monday, I woke up with a sore throat and decided to opt for silence. Since the creators of the yoga program I'm participating in already implemented this as an option, all I had to do was stick the "Silence" button on my shirt and everyone understood. Although not everyone in our group of fourteen had taken a silent day, quite a few had. If this isn't something you have tried, it can be a very interesting and revealing experience. I've spent many days of my life in silence, while on meditation retreats, but in those environments, silence is compulsory.

Being the only one in the group not speaking was a little bit different, but the inner experience usually seems to be the same, like the swinging of a pendulum. Sometimes, it's crystal clear and calm, like a still forest pool, and other times, it's more like a tsunami. Without an oral outlet for our thoughts, we are forced to bear with them. They become more obvious than on a "normal" day. As I held the reality of my inner world, I couldn't help but to notice how negative my thoughts were. Not all of them were negative, but many were. I was admittedly having somewhat of an "off" day, but I am tempted to believe that I sometimes carry on in such a manner even on a normal day, I just don't always realize it.

Because we depend on external conditions for our happiness, I'd be willing to bet that most of us are in the same situation here. So what is the problem? The problem is that our negative reactions to life are usually based in delusion. In particular, our judgments towards others, which make up much of our negative mental atmosphere, are largely based on false pretenses. We don't realize this is happening until it's us who needs to be excused.

Yesterday, I found out that my Grandma passed away. The sensitivity that I felt on Monday has now multiplied, and I think some people around me have started to notice that something is wrong. Since they don't know that I lost my last grandparent, they can only assume that I'm acting this way because I'm a miserable and unhappy person. If I go on to mistreat someone on account of these conditions, in this state of sensitivity, they can only assume I'm an asshole.

And why shouldn't they?

On one hand, they have every right to assume what they will about me because their assumptions come from their own observations. On the other hand, they don't really know the whole story. In fact, it's impossible for us to really know and understand what's going on with another person, and therefore, we should bring a conscious effort to refrain from assuming things about people and thereby judging them.

You just never know.

Even if we inquire, if we investigate, we won't get the whole story. This morning, one of my fellow yogis asked me if something was wrong, but I told her there was nothing, because even if I told her my Grandma died, she wouldn't really understand the feeling, the whole story of my Grandma and I, and all the mixed emotions that accompany it. When someone asks you if you are feeling alright, the last thing they want or need to is to get your life story. A simple "I'm okay," works better, even if it's a lie. Of course, we can share our intimate problems with those closest to us, but since I've known these people on this course for just a couple weeks, it doesn't seem right to burden them with something like this.

Even if I were to investigate my situation, the reality is very difficult to see clearly. The are too many layers of the mind, too many emotions, and it gets hazy all too quickly. If it's so hard for me to understand what's going on in my own life, how can I hope to understand what's going on with another?

But yet I continue to hold judgments towards others.

And why? If I know this principle, that "you just never know,"  why do I continue to judge people?

The only reason I can think of is that I am ignorant.

I think I know, but I don't know. 

I think I know, but really, I understand that I don't know. That's why I'm able to catch myself getting caught up in the judging mind. Sometimes, I don't catch it, but when I do, it really shows me just how ignorant I am. What I'm trying to now accept is that this is a good thing. The important thing is what I do next. If I'm unable to realize that I'm often wrapped up in the tricks of the judging mind, I don't even have a chance to snap out of my own ignorance. Developing a sense of gratitude for realizing our weaknesses in this way is important.


"You Just Never Know"

On Monday, I woke up with a sore throat and decided to opt for silence. Since the creators of the yoga program I'm participating in already implemented this as an option, all I had to do was stick the "Silence" button on my shirt and everyone understood. Although not everyone in our group of fourteen took a silent day, quite a few had. If this isn't something you have tried, it can be a very interesting and revealing experience. I've spent many days of my life in silence, while on meditation retreats, but in those environments, silence is compulsory.

Being the only one in the group not speaking was a little bit different, but the inner experience usually seems to be the same, like the swinging of a pendulum. Sometimes, it's crystal clear and calm, like a still forest pool, and other times, it's more like a tsunami. Without an oral outlet for our thoughts, we are forced to bear with them. They become more obvious than on a "normal" day. As I held the reality of my inner world, I couldn't help but to notice how negative my thoughts were. Not all of them were negative, but many were. I was admittedly having somewhat of an "off" day, but I am tempted to believe that I carry on in such a manner even on a normal day, I just don't always realize it.

Because we depend on external conditions for our happiness, I'd be willing to bet that most of us are in the same situation here. So what is the problem? The problem is that our negative reactions to life are usually based in delusion. In particular, our judgments towards others, which make up much of our negative mental atmosphere, are largely based on false pretenses. We don't realize this is happening until it's us who needs to be excused.

Yesterday, I found out that my Grandma passed away. The sensitivity that I felt on Monday has now multiplied, and I think some people around me have started to notice that something is wrong. Since they don't know that I lost my last grandparent, they can only assume that I'm acting this way because I'm a miserable and unhappy person. If I go  on to mistreat someone on account of these conditions, in this state of sensitivity, they can only assume I'm an asshole.

And why shouldn't they?

On one hand, they have every right to assume what they will about me because their assumptions come from their own observations. On the other hand, they don't really know the whole story. In fact, it's impossible for us to really know and understand what's going on with another person, and therefore, we should bring a conscious effort to refrain from assuming things about people and thereby judging them.

You just never know.

Even if we inquire, if we investigate, we won't get the whole story. This morning, one of my fellow yogis asked me if something was wrong, but I told her there was nothing, because even if I told her my Grandma died, she wouldn't really understand the feeling, the whole story of my Grandma and I, and all the mixed emotions that accompany it. When someone asks you if you are feeling alright, the last thing they want or need to is to get your life story. A simple "I'm okay," works better, even if it's a lie.

Even if I were to investigate my situation, the reality is very difficult to see clearly. The are too many layers of the mind, too many emotions, and it gets hazy all too quickly. If it's so hard for me to understand what's going on in my own life, how can I hope to understand what's going on with another?

But yet I continue to hold judgments towards others.

And why? If I know this principle, that "you just never know,"  why do I continue to judge people?

The only reason I can think of is that I am ignorant.

I think I know, but I don't know.

I think I know, but really, I understand that I don't know. That's why I'm able to catch myself getting caught up in the judging mind. Sometimes, I don't catch it, but when I do, it really shows me just how ignorant I am. What I'm trying to now accept is that this is a GOOD thing. The important thing is what I do next. If I'm unable to realize that I'm often wrapped up in the tricks of the judging mind, I don't even have a chance to snap out of my own ignorance. Developing a sense of gratitude for realizing our weaknesses in this way is important.

A moment of awareness should be celebrated, even if we don't like what we are aware of. 

What is somewhat unfortunate is that the realization of my own ignorance is quite unpleasant. Sometimes, I think life would have been easier if I had never embarked on this journey in the first place. That's exactly why my reaction is critical. If I just pretend like I never saw anything, or that what I saw was untrue, I'm not doing myself any good. I might actually be making my life easier by denying, but I'd be a coward to walk away from a glimpse of truth.

So the challenge becomes, can we be brave enough to see the ugly truth and not run away? What that means, in this context, is that we have to be willing to let go of our judgments. Are we willing to sacrifice pleasantness in order to remove our ignorance?

If we want to be free, we must eradicate our ignorance that blurs our perception. Only when we can see clearly can we be free from the tricks of the mind. We tend to associate freedom with having options, being able to do whatever we want, but real freedom is from the conditioned mind.

Besides, people deserve a break. I know that I would appreciate if others gave me a break, as I don't feel like sharing the news of my Grandma's death with everyone on this course. I see death as a new beginning, but pity, I see no good in pity. What it really comes down to is compassion.

Do we need a cause to be compassionate?

If we do, maybe the understanding that you just never know what someone is going through can be our cause to be compassionate towards everyone at all times. If you're not convinced, let's consider the alternative model which is currently in place. To justify our mood swings, off-days, and grouchiness, we make matters worse by WHINING and COMPLAINING about EVERYTHING!

"My head hurts!"

"I'm hungry!" 

"It's so cold today!"

"It's so hot today!" 

Let's face it, we are needy, fragile, and sensitive beings. On a personal level, we might find ways to change this, by depending less on external sources of happiness and more on the unlimited source from within, but on an inter-personal level, we should just understand that this is the way we are. While I don't like advocating assumptions, I think it's safe to say that when someone is mistreating us, they are going through something, they are suffering. If we understand this suffering, compassion arises automatically. When compassion is there, we don't need to hear their justifications because we already understand. We might not know the details, but we don't need to. We also don't need to label them as an asshole or a bitch, we can just see that they are acting from a place of suffering. In this moment, we are free from the judging mind. Only problem is, it's all easier said than done. At least we know where to start...

May all beings understand that we can't ever know all the causes and conditions that lead people to act in ways that we don't like.

May all beings come to know suffering in order to spontaneously respond to the suffering of others with compassion.

May all beings see that you just never know what another person is going through, and use this understanding to free themselves from the habituated negativity of the judging mind.