The Desire To Be Understood and the Need For Approval

So here I am, I just moved to China. It’s not that I wasn’t happy in Thailand, but maybe that I was too comfortable, and it was time for a change. 2013 was a big year for me, I was able to realize many dreams I've had and used my time wisely. It also brought what I’ll call a breakthrough in my perspective on my life’s journey, and I'd like to take this opportunity to share that with you. I remember at the end of 2012, I was meditating in Myanmar, and I had this sort of realization that everything I was doing had an underlying driving force or motivating factor to it, and that was the desire to be understood.

 

In the meditation practice I do, I seek to understand what is happening, not to change it. I let change come on its own accord, when the conditions are right, and by doing this, I've watched the changes roll in over the last few years. My task is just to pay attention to know what is happening, so when I came to learn of this desire to be understood, I accepted it, and even nurtured it. At the time, I didn’t have any judgments about it, I just knew it was there, and it felt good to lift the veil that may have been in place for quite some time.

But last year, in 2013, while traveling in India, something else occurred to me. I realized, at some point, that this desire was gone, and that felt like a relief. I hadn't realized the desire to be understood was burdensome until it was gone. Maybe it just didn't make sense anymore. After all, what exactly about me can be understood? If you think about it, there is no solid, unchanging entity within me that I could hope for one to understand. Trying to understand each other, or one self for that matter, is a bit like taking a picture of a river, and saying yes, this is the river. But you can’t say this picture is the river, that was just a snapshot in time, a representation of only part that part of the river at that moment. The actual river is something much greater than that. So yes, it might be possible to take a snapshot of ourselves and then use that for examination, and through that investigation we might say we could be understood by ourselves or others, but this does not account for the underlying process that is happening in each living entity.

A process is constantly changing and although only exists in the moment, has a history in the past and also a trajectory into the future. Oftentimes, we don't at all take this into account when we define ourselves or others. Think about your best friend. What sort of things come up? I'd be willing to bet that you have something of a collection of memories that have feelings attached to them, some positive and possibly others negative. You put all these memories of your friend together, things you like and don't like, and then you slap the name of your friend onto them, don't you? This is especially true for a friend you haven't seen for a long time. Do you not still think you know who your friend is? But think about it, how can you possibly know who your friend is at this point in time when you haven't been around them in a long time? You can't! You just have your conceptions about who your friend is based on your past experiences and memories with them, or of them. This is neither fair nor accurate! The worst part is that we then go on to treat each other based on this model that WE'VE created! We have expectations of them, and judgments, and we fail to see who or what they have become, or where they are trying to go, because we refuse to let go of who we THINK they are and always will be. 

So when I investigated this desire to be understood, which I assume is something that lies very deep in the hearts of many people, especially young people, I found that there was something else there, this fear that I’m not good enough. Because this fear is there, there comes a need for approval from others. What we hope is that if other people could only understand us, they would approve of us, and we could prove to ourselves that the fear of not being good enough isn’t valid, or something like that. Does that make sense?

Jing'An Temple

It’s not something to be ashamed of, it’s just another thing to realize is happening and practice acceptance. We can let wisdom do its own work on its own time, it’s not our job to be making these big decisions and implementing changes. But, having said that, we can keep watching and keep investigating, and we might be able to sort of provide the information that wisdom needs to make a wise choice. 

Is our perspective serving us on our path to liberation? If not, it might be time to let go of it.

So by moving to China, I feel good, because I didn’t really look for anyone’s approval in my decision, and I could really care less if I get it or not. I’m not living my life for anyone else but me. I don’t mean that I don’t care about other people, because I do, it’s just that at the end of the day, I need to do what’s best for me and only I can know what that is.

How can I know what that is?

Well, that’s something that I’m working on developing. If we can trust in ourselves, we can rest assured that we don’t need to look for the approval of others. So developing this trust is something that will benefit us greatly, and I think it just comes from getting to know ourselves. I don’t mean that we want to fully understand ourselves, because again, that’s just stuffing ourselves into a little box and failing to understand the bigger picture, the process. Instead, we can develop a relationship to the changing nature of this life-stream that we call ourselves. We don’t need to define ourselves, we don’t need it to look good on paper or be easily labeled and distinguishable, we just need to be in touch with the cause and effect process that is unfolding in the present moment. Remember, it is the causes and conditions that are creating us in real-time, so understanding how past causes and conditions work in tandem with present moment choices means that we can get a sense for how this life-stream is manifesting and the role we can play in steering it towards the greater ocean of freedom and awakening.

It doesn’t really matter how this looks, it can all be done within the framework of whatever personal and professional life you may already have in place. Being spiritual doesn’t mean that you need to run off to some faraway land and live in the mountains, wear a loin-cloth and grow a long beard. It just means that you are developing this relationship with the real you, this constantly changing process that doesn’t need to be understood, it just needs to be lovingly attended to.

For me at this point in my life, I see the value of taking some time away from everything in order to more fully develop this trust in myself, and what that meant was coming to China and spending some good quality time with myself. I don’t really know anyone here and no one expects anything from me. No one has any ideas about who I used to be, who I am now, or who I ought to be. It provides me with yet another wonderful opportunity to redefine myself in my highest light. I have many issues to work through and I have a pretty good idea of what they are. I’ve found that when I’m around other people too much, the work of self-improvement gets pushed to the back-burner and oftentimes is left undone. It takes strength and discipline, and I’m hoping that my journeys and insights in 2013 will provide me with the courage to take a hard look at myself with curiosity and humility, so that I can provide wisdom with enough information that it can make those positive changes in my life. This year, instead of setting objective new year’s resolutions, I’m just going to let that be my guide.

People's Square, Shanghai