The Source of Happiness

I had a great start to my day as this guy was my bus driver on the first leg. It was all downhill after that...

Have you ever taken the time to consider what it is you depend on for your happiness? If you are like most people, there are a number of things you tend to rely on to make you happy when you aren't feeling well, or keep you happy when you are. Some of these things are probably more wholesome, such as your relationships with your family, friends, and pets, and others are probably less wholesome, such as your addictions to foods, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, coffee, etc. Others still are somewhat more neutral, such as your favorite music, a good book or movie, or traveling. And just like that, we tend to categorize the things we turn to in order to have this sense of being happy or content with life. And there's nothing wrong with that, right?

Well, sure, there's nothing wrong with that, as long as you always have those things readily available. But in reality, that's pretty much impossible. Even if you are "fortunate" enough to have the illusion that these things are permanent, due to their having always been readily available to you in the past, I have news for you, they aren't permanent, and someday, you will lose them, all of them. I don't know about you, but I would like to think that there is more to life than holding on to that which is impermanent and therefore able to cause us suffering when it no longer becomes available.

Another thing we hold onto, which is possibly a bit harder to see, is our expectations. We tend to carry these expectations about what will happen, or what should happen, and even having those expectations creates an immense amount of suffering in our lives. For example, I had an extremely difficult morning today, probably the lowest I've felt in at least 6 months or perhaps all year. Actually, I don't recall the last time I was so flustered and irritable.

I left my friends apartment, whom I'm staying with at the moment, at about 8am, which should have given me plenty of time to arrive at the embassy by 9am. It opened at 9:30, so for all intents and purposes, that would have left enough time to find the closest branch of my bank in order to have a statement printed out, which was required for my visa application. Should've, would've, could've. This is the language of failed expectations.

Instead, what really happened, was that I was directed into the wrong van leaving this area which took me to the wrong destination. Not only that, but it went the slow route, so instead of arriving at around 8:45 as expected, I got in around 9:20, but I didn't know exactly where I was. I asked the driver about my stop and he just no and stopped and told me to get out. The frustration that had already been mounting on the trip boiled over, and I took it out on him, even though it had been his partner back at the first location that had incorrectly directed me into his van. At the time, I was so blinded by this frustration that I didn't even remember this fact, so I made a somewhat crude remark to him about the terrible service as I stormed out of the van.

Not knowing what to do next, I decided to hop in a taxi and had the driver take me close to the embassy. I was keeping my eye out for my bank, and when we got close, I asked him where I should go. He took me to a large mall that he said should have my bank in it. He was a friendly man, which is not always the case for Bangkok cab-drivers, and even though I was a bit on edge as I sat in the back of his cab, and couldn't relax, my mind was in a better mood and I even gave him a tip, which I normally don't do in Thailand on account of the non-tipping culture here. It was 9:37. I figured I was still looking good on time and feeling hopeful.

But as I walked around the mall, I found every bank in Thailand other than mine. I dashed back onto the street and looked around. Banks around here are on every corner, so I knew there had to be one close. There, I noticed the symbol on the even bigger shopping mall directly across the street. After overzealously trying to cross the street unsuccessfully, I opted for the safer route by taking the subway stairs down and then back up on the other side. When I got to the entrance of the mall, it was 9:47. The security guard pointed to the sign. It opened at 10. Aah, okay, I can wait, I thought, although at this point, I really had to use the bathroom. I was aware of my impatience, and tried to stay calm by focusing on my breathing. I also took the opportunity to check in with the uncomfortable feeling of having to pee. Actually, I realized, the physical sensations associated with it weren't that bad, it was just the mental formations that turned the whole affair into a story, casting myself as the victim, and the suffering was the result. If I could just stay with the physical aspect, it was manageable.

Finally, a couple minutes past 10, she opened the door and I ran to relieve myself before finding my bank on the 5th floor. As I walked up, to my disappointment, I saw the gate was down and a sign saying the bank opened at 10:30. It was 10:05. From what I had read on the internet, it was best to get to this embassy early, and it closed for submissions at 11:30. I still had to get to a copy shop to make some copies and print out my flight and hotel reservations, and fill out my application forms. Little did I know, that I only had to arrive by 11:30 in order to get a cue, and that all those who arrived by then would be served. Like they say, knowledge is power. The only problem was, I didn't know. This is called ignorance.

Ignorance, according to the Buddha's teachings, is one of 3 causes of suffering. When it comes to relying on temporary things for our happiness, this is always a matter of ignorance, regardless of how wholesome you may think the source is. It's not that there is anything inherently wrong with family, a good movie, or even pigging out on ice-cream, but if you depend on these things for your happiness, you are bound to suffer. Dependency is weakness, and the more attached you are, that is to say the more dependent you are, the weaker you are.

When I woke up this morning, I was really depending on getting this visa today, in order to leave the country this weekend for a retreat in Myanmar. Otherwise, I'd have to wait until next week and I didn't feel like waiting around Bangkok for another weekend. I was holding onto this idea so tightly that I felt like my head was going to pop off. Even though I implemented calming practices to help me relax, and was aware of how much stress I was under, it didn't relieve the situation.

After I got my bank statement, I ran back under the street to the other side, hopped on a motor-bike taxi, and arrived on the street with the embassy. I still had to find a copy shop, and ended up walking a couple hundred meters down the street until I saw one. By this time, I was already feeling a bit better, because my faith in my ability to get their on time was waning. I had started to let go, and was feeling lighter. I had prepared myself to fail, and had started to accept that it probably wasn't going to happen. Either way, I figured I'd give it my best shot. I printed out several things and made a few copies, and when I asked the guy how much it was, he typed in his little calculator a ridiculous price of about $9. First of all, I can speak Thai, and had been speaking Thai to him throughout the process of having things copied, etc. Second of all, a normal fee for copying something in Thailand is equivalent 6 cents, and he was charging a dollar a page. That's 15 times what I'd normally pay. I understand jacking the price up a bit in these places that cater to embassies, but 15 times is outrageous.

In Thai baht, my bill came to 275. "Are you kidding me?" I said as I laughed in disbelief. I took out my wallet, pulled out 300 baht, and hastily threw it on the table, even though the man stood nearby with his hands out like a beggar. He didn't even look me in the eye, because he  knew was practically stealing from me. One of the bills floated to the floor and I saw him diving for it as I stormed out, yelling in Thai something that translates to, "Bad display of character!" now laughing even harder.

I actually thought it was funny, too. The whole thing had become a tragicomedy, and I was no longer holding on to any shred of hope for getting my visa application in on time. But nevertheless, I pushed on to my final destination, and as you may have guessed, everything was fine. I made it there by 11, and had plenty of time to fill out my application and ask the super-friendly guy at the front counter all the questions I was unsure about. Even though I was home-free, I was still wound super tight and noticed my whole body was shaking. I could barely hold the pen steady to fill in the blanks.

It's a strange thing that hope was the killer. As soon as I abandoned all sense of hope, I was free from the mental suffering. My body was still wound up, but my mind was nice and light, and I was able to see the humor in the whole thing. Hope is nothing more than attachment to the results of an expectation. Sure, sometimes it's helpful to stay positive, but for me, on this day, that was the last thing I needed.

Instead of relying on myself for happiness, I had put all my eggs in the basket of the favorable outcome of my situation, and this was extremely unwise. As the story unfolded, and I witnessed the blunt end of my suffering, I found myself wondering why I hadn't been acting wiser. And therein lies another lesson. When you find that you aren't living up to your own expectations, you multiply your suffering by adding layers of disappointment, confusion, and judgment. Instead of seeing things how they are and accepting them, you are comparing what you are experiencing to some notion of what you think you should be experiencing, and frankly, this isn't fair to yourself.

So what if I was flustered, irritable, frustrated, and impatient! Am I not human? No, I probably didn't handle the situation too well, and probably could have treated those people with more kindness and compassion, but being hard on myself here is not going to make the situation any better. I have to forgive myself for my childish actions and move on. Knowing now that I'm still subject to these unattractive states of mind is a good reminder to me that I have so much juicy stuff to work with in my practice. It had been so long since I'd lost my cool that I was beginning to be a bit disillusioned about where I was and how far I'd come. Now I know, if the conditions are ripe for me to revert back to that childish state where I can't control myself, I might not be able to rise above them (the conditions), and I'm OK with that.

This is all a beautiful reminder to me that in every step, in every moment, I need to incline the mind to connect with my innate goodness and use that as the source of my happiness. By abandoning all expectations and thoughts about what should and shouldn't be, what's left is what is. We don't need anything other than what we have, regardless of what it is we have in any moment. To know this is to be happy in a deeper sort of way, and even if were not smiling, we can carry ourselves with dignity and contentedness, knowing that life is perfect, just as it is.

And a sleeping dog in front of the subway escalator to end my day with a laugh.