Is this the 'Way'?

As I continue to invite change and personal growth into my life, I face many obstacles, and most, if not all, are related to the mind. The biggest question I find myself asking is this: "Is this the way?"

The mind loves to compare, to judge, and it is always uncertain of everything. That is because nothing is for certain, we really don’t know what’s going to happen, and we can only pretend to assume a position of control. But in other terms, I can’t help but to wonder what the best way to get the most out of life is.

Just a few short years ago, I was living it up. I had hundreds of friends and was on top of the world. Everything was perfect and it seemed like it would never end. “We’re in this for life” I remember thinking, and also saying to my buddies. “This is it, it really doesn’t get any better than this!”

And now here I am, leading a life far from that of my recent past, and I can’t help but to wonder, what happened? Why did I walk away from such a good thing, and should I go back?

Sometimes, I feel like I know exactly who I am, what I’m doing, and where I'm going, and yet other times, I feel so lost, and alone, and just can’t seem to make sense of it all.

There seems to be two contradicting approaches out there in the world. One says live it up, life is short and you might as well make the most out of it while you still can. Do everything you want, don’t hold back. Party like there’s no tomorrow. Dance all night. Be free.

The other approach says that this is suffering. That chasing pleasure, whether it’s through music, friendship, or getting wasted, none of these things will bring you happiness. And yet I felt like I was so happy. If I was suffering so much, why did I never want it to end?

But then again, I walked away. So is it really that I was never as happy as I made myself out to be? Was I really that deluded?

There is no clear answer here, and that, I suppose, is my revelation tonight. Why do I submit myself to this world that is so black in white when I know in my heart that it’s all just shades of grey?

You can’t separate. This is the mantra that is bubbling up. My suffering isn’t from living one way versus the other. My suffering comes from the idea that they are indeed two different ways. But in reality, this isn’t the case. Everything everyone is doing is just an expression of this situation that we all share. Everything is the human condition doing what it feels it should be doing, whether it’s based on fear, love, or something else, we are all just doing what we do because that’s who we are and that’s where we’re at.

So is there something that I am supposed to be doing? Absolutely not. There’s no one that is any better than me and neither is anyone any worse. We are all equals, trying to survive the best we can, dealing with the same challenges of greed, hatred, and delusion.

Yes, some approaches are more deluded than others, but that doesn’t make them inferior. Reality isn’t a fixed entity. It's changing all the time and we are all creating it from moment to moment. If we stop and think about why we do the things we do, it will bring up what drives us, it will bring up memories and conditioning. It will bring up hopes and dreams and fears and delusion and everything in between.

As I sit here tonight, feeling once again like I’m torn between two worlds, I can’t help but to think that unity is the only thing that makes sense.

There is a practice that I remember learning about somewhere along the way that says to see yourself in others, not just your family and friends but everyone. See yourself in the homeless guy, the crazy people, the rich and greedy. See yourself in the famous and the infamous. See yourself in the criminals, in the cocky and the weary, in the strong and in the weak. If you don’t, you have made yourself into an island, and you will always be alone, no matter how much you surround yourself with friends and family.

So maybe that’s it. Maybe I’ve always felt alone because I’ve always seen myself as different. Even with a million friends and all the love one could ask for, I was alone. And maybe I still am, and on one level, that’s a reality; we all are. But in a deeper, more ultimate sense, none of us are. Can we connect with this ultimate truth that says that we are all inter-connected? Can we connect with this idea that we will never be alone, even if we live out our lives in some cave or some far away land without a soul in sight?

If we continue to see that which is impermanent, and uncertain, and unable to bring us true happiness, as permanent, certain, and able to bring us true happiness, we will continue to suffer. What it really comes down to is not where we are, not what we are doing, but the quality of our hearts. Who is to say that they are right and another is wrong? This is arrogance. No one is perfect, and we are all just doing our best. Maybe there are different approaches to life, and maybe one seems more pure and more dignified than another, but it boils down to whether or not we are surrounded by water, or whether we are connected to the greater body of land. 

A couple weeks ago I went to a nice forest monastery to spend a week with the monks and ended up getting more than I bargained for. I ended up making a new friend, who arrived the day after I did while I was sweeping the leaves in the parking lot. When I saw him get out of the van, I wasn't sure what to make of him, but can't say I wasn't a little disappointed when I saw the guest monk escort him to the big empty room I had the night before all to myself. As it turned out, that first night would be my only night there alone, and at one point, there was about 10 of us staying in there together. It was plenty big enough to fit everyone, but I have trouble sleeping in a room full of strangers, so it wasn't a spacial concern, but more of concern of comfort.

The new visitor didn't turn out to be a burden though, and instead, was more like a shining light sent by the angels. At age 60, he's spent the last 18 years teaching meditation at a hermitage with his wife in South Africa. I was the only one there who didn't know him by name. He is quite well known in this tradition of Buddhism and meditation, especially in the western world. His wife was a nun and he was a monk when they met, and in a short time frame, they fell in love, disrobed, and got married. Now, in addition to teaching at their hermitage, they are invited to teach at the most respected and well-established retreat centers in the US. When I found out they were scheduled to teach a workshop in Bangkok, I knew I had to attend.

That workshop was today, and during the question and answer period, I thought to ask a practical question to please my curiosity. "What is it like to be married and also teach together? Do you ever have those moments when you are like, are you sure you are a meditation teacher, because right now, you are acting like a 7 year old!?"

The answer was so full of humanness and humility that I doubt I'll ever forget it.

I can't quote his wife, Thanissaro, directly, but this is what I gathered:

"If you try too hard to be perfect, you are bound to slip. It's better to admit your faults and then you are able to work with them." 

For me, this really makes a lot of sense, as this path to purification can tend to lead to imitation instead of recognition. If you want to purify your heart and mind, you need to find your faults and work on them. If you think you can just walk away, and become a saint, it's only a matter of time before you are found to be a fraud. It was so real and honest that there can't be said to be anything fraudulent about it.

"We have our blowouts, we are human," she said.

This is after 36 years of devoting their lives to meditation, at least for him, whose name is Kittisaro.

"It really comes down to being able to say, 'I made a mistake, and I'm sorry." - Kittisaro

Me with Kittisaro.

So when faced with my past and thoughts about what is the best way to get the most out of life, I will try to remember these humbling words from these two teachers who I have had the privilege of meeting. It's not about perfection after all. It's about being a human being. It's about this capacity to admit that I don't know and to be okay with that. Yes, they have purified their hearts and minds, but they still make mistakes. So when my mind is full of questions, and I wonder if I should just go back to my old ways, and just make the most out of things, I now understand that these are questions that I don't need to answer. To answer, is to separate, and I know that more important than how far I make it on this path to liberation, is how much I have made myself into an island. Besides, something is telling me that the two go hand in hand. The more I fail to see myself in others, in all others, the further from freedom I really am.

If you open your heart, and connect with others, you are making the most out of life, no matter what you are doing.

So I leave you now with a challenge. Can you find ways to not separate yourself from others? Can you see that what you are doing is what you are meant to be doing, but also trust your instinct and your ability to move on? If we keep moving forward, and understand that sometimes moving forward seems like we are staying in the same place, we will be ready to invite change and personal growth into our lives without having to create these boundaries, without having to see it terms of black and white.

There is nothing that is supposed to be happening. 

It's just happening, and we are a part of it. So do what your heart is telling you, and rest assured, that for now, that's the right thing to do.

And in my closing thoughts, I just want to acknowledge my appreciation for all of you, regardless of what you are doing, and where you are going. Moreover, it has been a real pleasure to put these thoughts to paper, or screen as it be, and if someone out there is reading it, it means I'm getting off the island. I'm building a boat and I'm headed for shore.

I'll meet you there.

-Dougie