Doubting the Path to Freedom

In the last couple months, I have stayed at a few different monasteries on what has become somewhat of a quest for the best technique, the right teacher, the perfect setting, etc. It's not that there's anything wrong with looking around a little, as opposed to the more risky act of giving yourself to the first fancy thing that comes your way, but the question remains, why seek for that which I already am?

There are many ideas about the path to freedom leading inward, and that we should look no further than ourselves to find truth. These ideas come from many different traditions from all over the world, and I have absolutely no doubt as to their validity. So why even bother? Why leave my house (if I had one)? Why do anything?

These are questions that have been coming up for me as of late, and I want to take the time to address them, for my own sake and others that might have had similar doubts, which brings me to my main point. Both this act of looking around, "window shopping," as it's called, is a form of doubt, and so is my questioning of "why bother?" Even though one is the motivating force and one is more of a preventative force, they are really the same thing.

In Buddhism, there are said (by the Buddha) to be five hindrances that will obstruct the path to freedom:

1. desire
2. anger/ill-will
3. sloth-torpor/boredom
4. restlessness/worry
5. doubt

Basically, doubt is the opposite of some sort of faith in that which you are doing. Without some faith, not necessarily in Buddhism, but just that meditation or a certain technique will work, progress becomes quite difficult or impossible. It's sort of like the suspension of disbelief that comes when you watch a good movie or play, or read a fictional book. If you never let yourself relax into the storyline, and just allow yourself to believe it, it is hard to enjoy. If the movie is too cheasy, or we just can't see past all the flaws of the acting, the dialogue, or the storyline, it's almost impossible to enjoy it. We at least have to have that minimal level of faith in the movie, or play, or story, in order to get some enjoyment out of it.

It's the same with meditation. You don't have to be sure that it's going to do great things, but you have to have some minimal amount of faith, at least, that it's worth it. Otherwise, your motivation to do it won't be there, and if you make yourself do it, you won't have the right amount of effort. If the effort is too high, you will exerperience restlessness/worry. If it is too low, you will experience sloth/torpor/doubt.

But for us westerners, if in fact that's what you are, doubt seems to be a necessary step to our awakening. Afterall, would we even be here, would we even be looking to things like meditation if we didn't question our own system? Unlike many countries in the East, most of us weren't introduced to meditation at a young age. Yes, contemplative Christian practices do exist, but it's largely something that the majority of Christians know little about and certainly don't practice.

Even so, contemplation is only part of the picture. What is really important to cultivate here is a connection to the ever passing moment, and to do that, we practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is like the glue that keeps "us" in the here and now. If you're not sure what that means, try doing something and see how long it takes before your mind gets lost in thought. Try walking and focus on your steps. Or try watching your breath. Chances are, that unless you've spent a ridiculous amount of time training your mind to be in the present moment, you're probably not in the present moment most of the time. The truth is, most of us aren't (myself included).

So is this a problem? Why do we care if we are in the present moment or not?

Well, this is a question each of us needs to come to terms with. There is nothing we need to do. If you want to live in the present moment, you will probably need to work hard to make that happen. If you don't care, you don't need to anything. The choice is yours. As for me, I know I want to live in the present moment, but I am also lazy. So sometimes I can pull it together to practice mindfulness and sometimes I can't seem to get out of bed. I guess I find that I want it, but if I don't have it, it's not the end of the world. In one way, that's sort of how I define the middle way. It's about having a motivation without being attached to the results. If I wanted mindfulness so much that nothing else mattered, I would probably never be able to take responsibility for my life, I'd also chose meditation over a job, and why sleep when I could be practicing?

So there is a healthy balance here, there is a place where we can acknowledge that we aren't where we want to be, but we also acknowledge that there is a certain timeline between where we are and where we are going. In this acknowledgement we discover the path.

On the path is where we can find our foothold. We can find our balance. On the path, we can find the way. It's where we can turn around, see where we've been, and we can look ahead, to see where we are going, but most importantly, we can acknowledge where we are. We also have to accept that we can only take one step at a time. Even if we get super motivated and start running, we can't skip steps. And also we know that when we run too fast for too long, we get tired, and then we can barely stand up. So we establish our pace. We know that slow and steady wins the race. More important than speed is going in the right direction. When we get distracted, and we start going different directions, we are no longer moving forward, and progress is delayed.

This delay can be seen as doubt. If I shop around, trying too many different techniques and never sticking with any of them, it will be hard to move forward.

The path also shows us that it's not about the destination. The journey becomes the goal, and that is where the perfection comes in. There is nowhere to end up, it's about moving forward, always improving ourselves and getting rid of deluded and unwholesome mind-states. There is nowhere to stop. There is nowhere that we can say, okay, I'm done, there is nothing left to do. We must push on.

In this scenario, we can see that there is no comparison, that with every step of the way we are indeed perfect. But it also shows us that without a place to stop, we are always putting forth the effort to continue. So what is perfect in one moment, can not be true for the next. In this way, we know we have to keep moving.

Even if we don't run, we know we can't walk forever. We need to stop to eat, and rest, and sleep. So there are times when we only need to eat, sleep, and rest a little, and there are times when we need to rest deeply. It can be a time when great doubt arises, these times when we can't seem to get off the couch or out of bed, but as long as we don't lose sight of the path we are on, we can acknowledge that there is no harm in "checking out" when that is what we are feeling called to do. And when the opposite is true, when we are called to act, whether through meditation, helping others, creating something, finding a job, or doing the dishes, then we stand up and we do just that.

Okay, so I admit this isn't an easy thing to swallow, that's why I'm writing it, because it's something I struggle with on a daily basis. Am I doing too much? Am I doing too little? Why do anything at all? If I can remind myself that every step of the way is necessary, even the mistakes, even the laziness, it's all there helping me find my way, then I don't need to let doubt overrun my practice. I don't need to doubt as to whether putting in all this effort into meditation is worth it, because I have already seen that it is, I already know in my heart that it's worth it, for me, and that should be enough.

So yes, it is important to question things, and to think for ourselves. It's important to stay connected to our desires and aspirations, to always consider whether what is driving us is coming from a wholesome or unwholesome place. Do we just want to be mindful so we can gain mental powers or impress people? Or maybe we are attached to that image of being enlightened? If we aren't careful, we will lose sight of what is important, and that is acknowledging where we are, where we've been, and where we are going.

It seems that the best we can do, at least as a westerner, is to keep our doubt in check, and keep moving forward, on what we feel in our hearts to be the path to freedom, with one step, or breath, at a time. As with many aspects of the Buddhist path, the important thing is to be aware of what is happening, so when doubt is arising, being aware of it, and acknowledging that awareness, will give you a good chance of keeping your doubts at bay and keeping you on the straight and narrow.

Keep practicing and good luck!