Me in Myanmar

The monks walking to lunch. They went first, then us (the lay men),
 then the nuns, and finally the lay women. 

Well, today marks my 28th day in this country and that means the end of the allotted duration of stay on my tourist visa. In other words, I am sitting at the airport in Yangon and will soon fly back to Thailand.

Having just left the Mahasi Meditation Center, and excited to return home, it's hard to express the happiness that I am feeling. If I was excited to come here in the first place, I am easily twice as excited to get back to Thailand. I miss it there, it has become a place that feels like home to me, so have been away from home for 4 weeks now, and alone, has been somewhat difficult.

Nuns. 

The past 9 days have been by far the most difficult. Myanmar is known as having one of the strictest disciplines of meditation in the world. Many of the hardcore temples and meditation centers in Thailand are actually taking Myanamar's lead, and most of those temples are also using the Mahasi Method, which was developed by the Venerable Mahasi Sayadaw, who although has been dead longer than I have been alive, has a presence that can be felt all over this country. His centers are also located all over the world, numbering in the hundreds, and he is regarded as one of the most influencial Buddhist meditation masters of the 20th century.

This is how you cook for a monastery.

Unfortunately for me, he also is responsible for developing one of the most intense training regimines that would be conceivable to expect a normal human to be able to endure, and willingly. As to whether I knew exactly what I was getting into is a matter of uncertainty. I recently finished a 21 day course at Wat Chom Tong in Thailand that also uses the Mahasi Method and a similar program, but the expected 10 hours a day at Wat Chom Tong was nothing compared to the schedule of at least 15 here at the Mahasi Center, and in Thailand, they let you sleep 6 hours as opposed to only 4 here.

That being said, the 21 day course was intense, and given that it was a course, it had a beginning and an end. The beginning was easy, starting out with short sittings, and taking breaks in between. Then it gradually eased you into 1 hour increments of sitting and walking, and maintained the 20 minute breaks in between. Around day 15, they started reducing my sleep, and had me take my meals in my room instead of eating at the dining hall with everyone else, and for the last 3 nights, I was not permitted to sleep whatsoever, nor take a shower. I was to practice all day, and all night, for 3 days, while only taking breaks when necessary. But, because it sort of worked its way up to that point, I was able to endure, and although I ended up accidentally falling asleep a few short times during those final 3 days, I managed to endure and mostly stuck to the program.

My only roommate. Every time I came back to my room, I'd play where's frogger.
Sometimes, he proved to be pretty elusive. I wanted to catch him and put him outside
at first, but then I realized he had been there longer than I had. If anyone
was the intruder, it was me...

Here in Yangon, if there is a program, I wasn't aware of it. You just sort of come and go and practice on your own. From the first day to the last, you should be practicing 15 hours a day and only sleeping 4. No one really watches you, with the exception of a monk who will make sure everyone at least wakes up in time for the 4 am group sitting, but other than that, you are on your own. I didn't really know what I was getting into 9 days ago when I arrived at the center, as I hadn't really looked into it much, I just decided to go and showed up.

So I did my best, but I only got in 15 hours on one of the days, and I only reduced my sleep to 4 hours on one of the nights. I started to get lazy by the end and the past few days I have been taking it easy, and not worrying about the schedule so much.

This guy beating against a huge piece of wood was a nice addition to the lunch bell. 

Today, now, I feel incredible. I guess one of the best parts about going to a place like that is leaving. But not only because I'm finally out of there, but because of what happened inside. Because I was able to let go of my initial goal of getting in 100 hours in 9 days and only 7 full days, I think I feel better now than I would have if I had reached my goal. While it is nice to set goals for ourselves, especially healthy ones, we can become attached to them. Sometime, a few days ago, I was finally able to admit that I had become attached to the outcome of my goal and it was just another thing I was reaching for, just another thing to accomplish and latch onto.



Since I met my goal of 200 hours during the 3 week course, I was worried that I might let myself down if I didn't come through this time around. But I'm not disappointed. What I am looking for is freedom, and although meditation practice is helping me find it, I need to constantly check in with my motivations. If I'm just trying to rack up hours, I might as well stay home, because the meditation won't do me any good with that attitude. It can be a difficult thing, to see what drives us to do the things we do, but with observation and a little honesty, we can gain insight into whether it's the heart or that head that is fueling our fire.

This time, I had to stop and refocus. What am I really after here? What is my reason for putting in all this time and effort? It's not just something you can do once and be done with. You have to keep checking in, keep looking in the mirror to make sure you haven't lost your initial wholesome purpose.

Some elder monks eating lunch. The guy on the left was a badass.

So today, I feel light, and I have realized an important lesson. It doesn't matter if I practice a lot or a little, it matters if I cultivate an attitude that will help me learn to let go and not identify with a false sense of self that is created by the ego. Sure, meditation has become the primary focus of my life and my sense of direction in the last 2 or 3 years, but it's not who I am. As long as I remember that, I can keep practicing and moving forward, instead of getting stuck in conquests and concepts, going round in circles in the back eddy of my life-stream. At the moment, I have found my place somewhere in the middle, and that is good enough for me, for now. As for tomorrow, well, that will offer another wonderful opportunity to take a deep look, and see if I've once again lost my balance.


Thanks for listening.