Heading to the Monastery

Tomorrow, I am celebrating 2 years of daily meditation by deepening my practice with a 21-day vipassana meditation course at Wat Chom Thong in Chiang Mai Province, Thailand. This is something that I have had plans to do for several months now, but I guess I always just knew it as an option, and not something I was definitely going to do. Plenty of other thoughts crossed my mind as well, such as heading to the beaches down south or visiting another country, but here I am, and this is why. 

Whenever I have committed to do any sort of meditation retreat or spend time in a monastery, the first thing that comes up is the question, "what else could I be doing?" Sometimes, that question doesn't even arise until I choose to do something that restricts me from doing anything else.It's like I'm happy to sit around wasting 3 weeks of my life on some couch watching movies and the question never arises. So what is it about meditating that brings up the question?

I guess it's sort of that dichotomy that we meditate to be free, yet while we are meditating, there is a seeming lack of freedom. For example, there are usually many rules that are associated with retreats or staying at a monastery, and many times, they are very strict in nature. 

For this course, I won't be permitted to use any sort of electronics, including making any phone calls. I won't be permitted to leave the temple grounds unless there is some sort of emergency. Of course, there is no smoking or drinking. Talking with other meditators is discouraged. I will eat only twice a day, and never after 12 noon. I will take vows to not sleep more than necessary, not engage in any sexual activity, and not kill anything, even mosquitoes. 

I will have to wake up early and practice meditation, both walking and sitting, all day in quiet contemplation/concentration. It's not exactly the vacation most have in mind.

To many, including myself sometimes, this sounds more like prison than freedom.

 So why do it?

 

Although this sounds like boot camp, there is a certain freedom that is possible that is easier to experience in a setting such as this than in our daily lives in the "real world." Yes, there are a lot of rules and regulations, and you have to sort of fall-in-line and do what you are told, but then again, you don't have to worry about anything. 

Whenever there is a choice to be made, the experience of worrying can be present. What to eat. What to wear. Should I do this or do that. We are led to believe that this is freedom, the ability to choose. But if we examine the choices we make carefully, we find that we aren't as free as we had previously thought. Are the choices we make not determined by the causes and conditions that precede them? 

For example, as I am walking around Chiang Mai today looking for some last minute things, I can reflect on my choices and see that they were pretty obvious. I had pizza because it's been a while, and I chose to eat it at the restaurant that had good reviews in a magazine I was looking at last night. I could have ordered any pizza on the menu, but since I am a vegetarian, it was pretty obvious I was going to order the vegetarian pizza. And to top it off, I had a mango shake because mango is probably my favorite fruit, and has been out of season where I've been living, meaning I haven't been able to get any as of late. 

So there you see, just with one aspect of my day, that those choices that I take pride in being able to make, were already chosen for me, based on the causes and conditions leading up to them. For example, if I had already gotten a mango shake last night, I wouldn't be surprised if today I ordered strawberry instead. 

As it turns out, waking up when the bell rings, putting on white clothes (that's all you can wear) and not choosing when or what to eat provides ample opportunity for the mind to experience freedom in a much more real sense than this illusion of choice. 

What I am interested in is freedom from this mind that tells me what to do, that chooses things for me. That, to me, is real freedom. And the way we obtain this freedom is through observation. Constantly watching the mind like a hawk, knowing it's every movement, its patterns, the catalysts, the pitfalls. Waiting for the story to  go on replay again. Waiting for the victim to appear, poor me for this or that. Waiting for the frustration to arise, I know it's there, somewhere under this calm demeanor, why does it hide from me? But waiting for nothing at all. There is nothing to do, just keep watching. It will all rise to the surface of my experience at some point or another in the next 21 days, I'm sure of it. And when it does, what will my reaction be?

"What is wrong me with, I thought I was beyond all of this childish nonsense?" Oh, there goes the story again, round and round and round. It's madness really. 

Freedom is knowing what the mind is up to, disabling it from getting me sucked into its drama. 

"Ah, there is impatience here." 

"Ah, frustration arising."

"Ah, resistance is here too."

Just like this, we can practice, and expose the mind for the fool it can be. We don't have to believe all of its tricks that try to separate us from the rest of the world.

Here is an example of this separation: "Oh, look at this guy, he is acting like he is so enlightened, but I can see past all of his acting."

What a great opportunity, if one is watching, to rise above this by realizing: "Ah, there is judgment, never losing an opportunity to chime in with its two cents..."

This is largely how we go about living our lives, but are we paying attention? Are we aware when judgment, resistance, ignorance, attachment, or impatience are at work in our lives or have they succeeded in blindfolding us and taking us along for a ride? When we are blindfolded, we can be afforded any choice we can imagine, but if we cannot see, how can we be free? ( I don't mean the ability to physically see, which has nothing to with freedom)

So  am I ready?

Yes. I  mean no. Okay, I don't know what that means. I am coming in with some momentum, and feeling pretty good, but it's not going to be easy. I have now sat for meditation everyday for 2 years, haven't had a drink in 2 months, quit smoking cigarettes a month ago, have a year of daily yoga, a year and a half of being a vegetarian, and am more excited than I have ever been to get in some serious hours on my cushion. 

But no, I'm not ready, there is no such thing. If you are asking if I am willing to be worn down until I surrender, the answer is a resounding yes. 

There are many things my mind would rather be doing than leaving for the temple in the morning, but something deep down is telling me that in order to experience freedom in this life, in this world, I first must be willing to lose it, at least in the physical sense. So there's the dichotomy; to find freedom, we must first have it stripped away. We must first give up, let go, surrender, and realize that this mind that leads us around on a string is not us, and is nothing that we should be following. 

So here I go, off to meet my own worst enemy: myself. I've met him before, and we have had words. It's never been pretty, but it seems to be getting easier. At least now, if nothing else, he knows I'm after him, hot on his heels, waiting to tackle him and expose him for the fraud that he is. Wish me luck!